I Love You

The eternal promise spoken in just three words that reveal a bond stronger than anything known to man. Words that hold significant weight to them that action is produced. A sacrifice and choice that will forever change a person.

Something clicked inside of me that I tried to keep hidden today. I was literally standing amidst people who were celebrating the union of two people in love-one of my friends wedding. I was standing there hearing stories of my friends and their kids, their lives, their relationships. One of my friends turned to me and told me, when is it going to be your turn. Flashback of what another friend asked me two days ago, why don’t I have kids already, or even what my family asks of me.

The reality once again came back to me of my life. It comes to no surprise that I can say not to rush into anything, to value your time, build yourself and grow, first. But as well, I noticed something crucial, time does fly. 

All I could hear is my friends repeating how they remembwr when they first met, how long they were together, hearing how the people met the bride and groom and it made me think about life. I remember looking back at my life in various occasions and asking myself, will I find someone? I always felt a sense to rush into things and yet it always cost me, even in my last ventures, not rushing, it hurt when things didn’t even proceed and ended. I would look at myself and ask the question we all ask when we’re single, “what is wrong with me?”. 

I’m not the easier person to deal with and by all means I understand I had to grow in a lot of things. I am grateful for every person that I managed to truly love in an intimate way. In allowing God to fully reveal what and who is Love, primarily, Himself, I have become more humble. Yet, the question arises at time, like a riddle, am I meant to be alone? I think all of is ask ourselves this and it isn’t a bad thing to desire a companion. While the world proclaims it is better now not to fully commit. But I am not of the world.

I have debated for years to determine if I should commit to being celibate, accept my singleness and focus entirely on God. It can seem a bit strange to some, I know but as I mature in life, the world is truly changing. I have yet to find a woman who has the similar convictions that I do or if she does in a majority, she does not hold to the single, most important aspect, which is the faith, God. It’s weird now, I guess it is seen as just unattractive to be so committed in God. Even so, when I discuss my views on the current culture, I’m now seen as if I am an outcast and many ask what is wrong with me. Even when I discuss that when I love, I love for life. It seems like a curse and to others a sick joke.

It brings me to reminisce on what caused others in the past to say, I love you, what caused me to say it. To be completely honest, it was only 2 years ago that I actually truly fell in love for the first time. Well, not fall, but grow in love or build in love. Even with that ending and my continuation into another relationship, I am left now here, perplexed. I understand all that love is intended to be and who I am now, yet something doesn’t seem right, did I forget something or what? 

What seemed like an eternal promise when spoken in the past now holds as memories of long ago. I love you. I will never love another as much as I love you. These words that mean nothing without action and even so requires two people to implement them. Was it not love then if it failed so tragically? Can it be restored? Is a broken heart really broken or is a heart that is given be recovered? 

All I can come up with is God reciting to me His love and grace. Allowing me to rejoice doing His will. I can only be certain that no matter what my future holds, if I was meant to walk beside someone, that I will be the best I can be, I will not try, I’m tired of trying, I will do. No matter what comes my way or the obstacles, love does overcome. If I do not love ever again another person than may my love be that of Christ’s and openly help others unconditionally. So all I can leave you all with today is my thoughts. These words that are shared effortlessly today or with no meaning, do in fact hold meaning and should be appreciated, each of is requires a Love that restores and fills and if not in another than in ourselves and especially with God. Be blessed all.

The Next 24 Hours


What is a day? A compilation of time adjusted by man in separation to mere minutes or even an hour. But in reality, what really is a day? We casually say that we will see others “within a day” . As we progress in life we hear that life is even a collection of days and you never know when it will be your last day on Earth.

I got a chance to hang out with one of my good friends yesterday. Within that day it started with a sense of rage because of what happened at work. From that day I just allowed myself to be consumed by the peace that always follows when I just breath and continue to live life. I never knew what it was in my life to actually sit and consider a day. 

Yes, we create schedules that build into something that we can actually call a day. Even now, writing this on the day of one of my friends is getting married, one day can change a significant amount. Even if we would simplify it to an hour, any single choice can just take a second. It took one day for two people to fall in love. One day for even myself to have met that one person who would be my friend and jump start it to where I am now, 5 years later, and it leaves you in awe. 

My favorite “chick flick” is About Time. The movie is about a guy who has the power to travel in time. Not to give any spoilers more spoilers but a challenge his dad gives him during the end is to relive a single day and appreciate all there is to life, the good and the bad. Every choice you make today will affect who you will be tomorrow and maybe who you will become years from now. 

The greatest challenge I now have or what I challenge others as well is to took break things down to the simplest of things, not seconds but the next 60 minutes, the 24 hours before you. Learn to appreciate each precious moment because the reality is, you don’t know when it is your last day, but it is not your job to perfectly plan out your last day, you never know when it will be. Just look at where you are at today, focus on the time, now. Be blessed all.

From Within

You grin slyly as you make up the perfect status. You go back and forth debating if you want to add a picture or not but when you do, you decide to add it on Snapchat or Instagram with clever hashtags. You’ve become a pro at it in actuality and so you await the responses or noticifications in wait. 

Sounds familiar? Maybe it does or maybe it is something we commonly hear about, see, hate, etc. It is for one something that spiraled into my life and now reflecting about it all I stand amazed how idiotic it all was. You hear the stories about how people cyberstalk or some people share similar friends and at times you just find yourself on someones page, wherever, and see a preview into their lives. For the most part we can’t see behind the smiles or the pictures, the words posted and etc, yet we draw out own conclusions, don’t we?

I was extremely good at manipulating people. The words I used and the actions I committed allowed me to have a response for the most part towards people. I remember it as clear as day, even looking as a spectator at my past, I used people. The questions then arose, as of late whenever I seemed to encounter an ex in social media, when I used it, or someone from my past that was significant in my life surfaced. I would occasionally tell others I posted whatever came to mind but a sick joke played out, I partially told half truths.

How are you supposed to react? We’re told we are to hate those who held our hearts and only think about ourselves. Show the other person that we’ve grown and are different. It’s funny, what the world considers normal for the most part, I detest. I cannot hate the people in the past, each person was a lesson and allowed me to grow. Yet, amidst it all, I saw that what I would post or reveal was not of good intent, for the most part, a good sum. I wanted to capture an attention instead of being true to myself.

I’m 26 now, I’ve much to learn still and as well I have learned a significant amount in my life. It is better to speak honestly and reveal what is within, in its purest of forms, rather than succumb to a false identity. I have nothing to prove to anyone. God knows me for who I am and what I write or how I act truly reveal my heart. I’m not a saint and though young, I have fully dedicated my life to God. Be it what it may become in the future, I’m satisfied in knowing the choices I am making now will allow me to grow and I don’t regret the past. 

I usually tell my friends I am cursed, my best friends know that if I love, I love for life. I cannot explain it really, I just know that I don’t have room to hate anyone. I can’t. I can be angry for a moment but I cannot hold to the state of mind for long. Everything truly comes from within. Who we are and what we aspire is led by what overflows. For me it is God and His love now fills me so in turn I am shifting in mindset. I don’t need the common trends or the culture that is promoted in the world. Do I have to post about positivity all the time? Discuss the problems of the world 24/7 or even politics to get views or likes? Must I post pictures of having “fun” only to be seen as living life? Of course not, I’m already living life and to the fullest in Christ. 

It amazes me when people ask about my past and now I openly discuss it as if they would understand. From studying magick to discussing my research in the occult, conspiracies and etc. I share my testimony in light to help people become enlightened to the dangers of it all. I genuinely now speak from the heart and that is what has to be understood. We think we are using logic or even fancy tricks, do this and you can get this but why not just be purely yourself and whoever accepts you, will walk besides you.

I honestly don’t know what will happen to my blog in a year or so, as it is written in the about me, this is my views of life and how I experience it. I do intend to motivate others and share my stories, poems and etc but as well, it is all a revelation that we are each human beings and feel. It is ultimately my purpose to answer my calling, call to others and lead in what way I can, it is to help people. Look within yourself and ask yourself the simple question, why do you do things, look within and from within, let your light shine.

Reflections


I could feel the gentle breeze pierce my skin. It felt as if the wind was trying to counsel my soul. I stood looking out over the waters. The sounds of the night engulfing the thoughts that plague my mind. How can such a night be of such disarray when all the world seemed to be at peace at this very moment.

The lake reflected the night sky and amidst the passing ripples I could see the reflection even upon the dark waters. I could hardly remember how many nights I spent here. How the days seemed to merge into one because of the gentle caress of nature brushing against my soul. It was indeed peaceful. 

Even with everything seeming serene I do manage to grab the gaze of those golden-brown eyes, hazel, shimmering back the moon’s light. I would spend time outlining the features of my face, who was that man staring back at me? How much has he changed? It would dawn on me that I never really took the time to appreciate it admire who I was it am. We effortlessly critique and point out our imperfections but there were these moments I just am amazed. 

I moved my hands out and watched the reflection in the water. I could feel as if who I was seeing was a different person. I could feel the urge to want to grab a rock and throw it at the image. I felt mocked in a way. My senses came to me and I would find myself smiling. Seeing my smile actually made my smile grow bigger. 

The whole action was more than what an average bystander would actually consider as narcissistic or concieted. It was more so actually acknowledging who I am. Finding that I too can love myself and reflect not only what I’ve done but who I am. I think we all forget to do that from time to time and yet, it is worth it in the end of the end. That is why I do it sometimes, just go to the park, walk upon that wooden bridge and just stop at the edge, look down at the water and see beyond the reflection.

Awaiting Darkness


The frigid, steel floor trembled below the group. They could all feel it beneath their bare feet. Huddling closer together as they were unsure of what was happening outside. Darkness swallowed them. The engine roaring and humming throughout the voyage. Brakes screeching. The sounds of the truck echoed through the haul. They could only assume by the sounds that they were being transported in a truck. Crammed into the back as they were boarded up, as if they were cattle just hours before.

Blindfolded and chained together. Each individual cowering together amidst the group that filled the trailer. Their breaths felt alongside the strands of hair of one another. Each one wearing the grey cottoned one piece prison garment. Trying to find warmth disregarding strangers but finding closure amongst each other.

“W-where do you think they are taking us?” A voice spoke in a whisper, shocking everyone as it was amplified in the small space.

“I think I heard one the guards mentioning something about the Hole.” A raspy voice responded.

Shuffling sounds of people huddling closer, their breathing quickening. Everyone else appeared to know what was the hole. 

“Oh God, they are getting rid of us, like vermin.” A shriek ran out of someone. It piercing through everyone, causing everyone to shiver.

“What’s the hole?” It appeared to be the same voice that responded to the first individual.

Having some form of communication was desirable between the group. Though now, the atmosphere seemed to shift to pure fear. Breathing increasing dramatically and the pounding hearts seemed to bounce off the walls due to the echo and silence. 

“The hole is the final stop for people like us” A voice yammered. Someone else spoke up, it sounded like an older gentleman as he continued. “My son Frederick was sentenced to the Hole in the beginning of the invasion” he stopped mid sentence, “that’s the last I ever heard of him.”.

“I heard the Hole has no end…that you keep falling in an endless cycle.”, this time a frail voice spoke, a woman. 

“I heard that once inside, you will feel your soul ripped out.” A younger voice howled back. 

Gasps were heard throughout the group followed by the iron curtain that engulfed them occasionally.

Silence swept through for what appeared to be another hour. No one wanted to mention a word.  Attempts were made by those closest to the steel walls of the trailer to find a way out. A couple of people started singing songs while others prayed to their God’s.

Hope swayed and the groups demeanour grew weary. Many people would sit on the icy floor, in surrender of their coming fate. Heads against shoulders or between knees wallowing in fear.

Acceptance to their impending defeat was drawn before them and many answered its call.

A jolt shook everyone and many lost their balance as the truck was coming to a stop. Voices were heard outside. The whimpering cries and whispers filled the trailer once more. Movement beneath them started once more in the opposite direction, meaning they were going in reverse. The vibrations would reveal a sense of direction. 

A large hiss rang out and the engine’s stopped. Everyone grew quiet expecting to hear something else besides their throbbing hearts. 

Bangs were heard as it sounded like the doors were opening. The raw, merciless wind snapped at the group sending frigid bodies to press together. 

Chains were pulled and the group was forced to jump down onto another wintry floor. It felt familiar compared to the steel floor. Blindfolds were taken off and as the group tried to adjust to the lighting of their surroundings, it came. The chains that connected them were pulled apart in what appeared to be in instant. The crackling of the metal shot into an object they couldnt make out. As squinting eyes pierced through looking for focus. Yet, they all opened them in shock as they all felt the pull. They all saw it as they lost their equilibrium. The ground beneath them opened up, sending many to fall sideways, forwards, backwards as they lost their footing. Many looked up to see the moon shining above. It’s radiating light filling the night sky and the stars around it basking the heaven’s with such beauty. Others started to scream as they looked below, an endless abyss stretched below them. A hint of light or even glimpse of an end was but a dream to some. 

After minutes of falling many gave in to the darkness. Everything became subdued by utter nothingness. Thoughts became just passing senses lost and forgotten as air was now the source of focus to grasp. The light from the moon was no more. No trace of an opening. No sounds from those around or the beating of one’s own heart. 

And so the story of the Hole remains, as another truck is loaded. As those who fall in the eternal abyss they consider damnation with no passing thought but only of those who tell its story. Awaiting….darkness….

The Write Choice


Let’s be honest, we all want to be heard. There is a tiny voice that shrieks at us from the back of our minds that goes something like, “Calling any listener or reader, it’s me!!!”. Call me crazy but that is just how us, as humans, are. We long for company or even to some degree, a mild interaction with someone or something to reveal we’re not alone.

I’m here, sitting in the dark, hearing the rattling of my ceiling fan contemplating life. It isn’t unusual that I ponder about the choices I’ve made or the words I shared with others. In many cases, I’m now drawn to how far I’ve come as a writer. 

Hmm, it is interesting, it has literally been a year and 2 months now. What have I learned? Have I grown in any way that my old self, just starting out, could say, “Wow! You’ve changed!!!”. I don’t even think I would sound like that, a pun would have to come from it, more so something in regards to I made the “write” life choice. Comedic gold, I know, hold the applause. 

I’ve been disappointed a bit in my endeavors with keeping track of my work and my stories. I’ve turned away from using a laptop or desktop and now solely rely on my phone. Granted because of my computer dying on me, I still have my wireless Bluetooth keyboard I use to write for my phone. I’ve been looking at ways to get it(phone) connected to monitor and presto, I have that ecstastic sensation of seeing it all on the big screen. I’ve linked all my drives to jotterpad-which is the app I use when I’m not using office-plus I’ve literally been taking time out to plan out ideas and work on my stories more. I’m in this for the long haul.

I really don’t know if all writers get this zeal-is it really a zeal? All I can fathom from it all is that I still love to write and it isn’t like my usual spurts designing where my head is spinning and calling for me to put it down and go do something else, I still would find myself writing for hours and get swept into the early morning, having the sun blind me and remind me I work in an hour or two. 

I guess this is literally the joy you get when you find your niche, your purpose in life. Now, I’m not the best of bloggers or my following isn’t massive. Either way, I do hope people get an interest into what I wrote or my stories, poems, and etc. Like I’ve stated, I haven’t had any formal training but when I can, I do find ways to learn from websites, workshops and etc. 

This is actually the realest entry I’ve had just being myself without trying to teach something or just express my inner raw self, it’s funny. I’m actually just grateful for the opportunity to do this, to be able to write and have my words shared with others. Who would of thought, that young kid encouraged so many years ago but English teachers, that young kid so eager to build worlds, and create characters? It is truly amazing. Writing is truly amazing, this is indeed the write choice.

Time To Wake Up


The world is not yours. Shocking isn’t? I’ve heard it from all sources growing up and actually believed it. Taught that the world is mine for the taking and that I can accomplish anything. Truth of the matter is, I can only accomplish what I set out to accomplish. Everything requires action and focus. The world will keep spinning and time will never stop, we can only truly learn to use our time wisely.

It’s funny, most people would say it is another episode of Lucius just disappearing from the social media spectrum. This time around I didn’t post anything about or go into a rant on how much I hate it. I literally just decided one night that I just don’t want to use it anymore. It was as simple as that and it continues to be the case even now. I’ve learned a simple fact about life, No one really cares unless they truly do. 

I’ve actually played the card desiring some sort of reaction from people and the truth is, it isn’t worth it. As I have found myself more I have also learned that I have seen people who truly care about me. Add all of this to the reality that the world truly doesn’t revolve around us. No matter what someone tells you, no matter what you see or have about the movie scarface, the world isn’t “yours”.

It’s a delusion really, if you think about it. I’m not going to get into reasons again why the sudden disappearance. I understand that it is a good platform as a writer to use to help market their work. As of now, I am in charge of everything visual and audio related from the podcast and that is really all I would like to say. But doing that has helped me see my focus on my own life. 

People will get mad at me. They will say some things in regard to their lives destined to be great. I’m not saying that it isn’t but know that the world was not built to fall into your standard. That is the problem and why we get anxiety and depression. We are taught that the world owes us or we have to be rewarded based in what we do yet it never really pan’s out on us does it? 

Reason I brought up the bit with social media is because people have said that it is a part of life now, that it will launch them to new heights. That is all fine and dandy but really, how are you spending your time is what matters. Yes, what you prioritize is what counts really. The big reason I named this article, “Time to Wake Up”, it is always about time. I’ve stated it plenty of times, be present and live in the now, and I now am saying, it’s time, it will always be time. Stop thinking that you have to wait for a grand miracle, begin today. Know how to properly use your time and not waste it on pointless things. Like I said, social media is a great platform but when you’re just rummaging timelines and liking pics for hours without using it to “launch” your abilities or network, it is a time killer. So then here it is, time. Yet Like I said, not just that but the sense to turn it all for attention or ego which as stated earlier, the world isn’t yours. 

It may grind some people’s gears so to speak when I discuss these matters. I mean we all right at times or post because it is something we are trying to share. I’m not saying it is a bad thing to do these things like share what you think but know the intention and what you invest in. This is the whole premise to everything. Are we asleep believing that the world owes us? Are we allowing time to pass us by scrolling through sites or apps while our dreams are just that, dreams? It’s time we wake up and take a serious look at out lives and I’m saying all of this in regards to my own life.  Be blessed all.