I lie here on my bed, writing to you, the reader. I seem to have reached a moment of realization as of late. A part of me claims to reach a crossroad while the latter, the moment where I seem “stuck”, between the choices before me. It’s been pretty rough actually, so many things being presented to me in an instant and with the way God is changing me, my views on a lot of things have changed.
I always had the mentality since the days I lived in the streets, was homeless, for a season, to give it my all and never look back. My ex, used to see I was always 0 to 100% in an instant while my friends would say I am passionate and don’t believe in “no” as an answer. Now with that being said, during middle school I wanted to be a pilot, in high school during my junior year I seapped my dreams and decided to pursue animation. I mean I love to draw and was always captivated by anime, effects, illustrations, storyboard, concept art. Then once I graduated I was led to pursue digital design and it was more so to carry the legacy of my grandfather, he had his own company and studio. That was my dream, to have my own company, studio, and in turn clothing line and get “paid”. I followed in the pursuits that many are drawn to, get a good job and make bank, get the green and in turn I’ll be happy, or so I thought.
What I have always seen since my days of being homeless is this, money means nothing. I have learned to be grateful of what I have and never truly want something. If in turn I wanted something I would always save and work for it, yet I began to sacrifice my needs or desires to help my family. Now here I am at 25 years old. I have sacrificed building my “empire” to support my family and I have loved and lost. I work and I make decent money, but to me money isn’t anything really important just a means to an end to “survive” in the country, pay bills. I keep hearing people say I am passing away my gifts and I should be making money or I see my friends killing themselves to then get a degree and then work 9 to 5, complain and then drown their sorrows or want to fill something they claim is missing and drink, smoke, etc. I see people constantly look for “something more” yet I no longer feel any of it. I am generally content you could say.
I’m not going to lie and say I am happy. I lost a woman I am completely in love with, my first love and though I was all for helping out and providing, she wasn’t interested til we would marry. Yet I knew in my heart I wanted to spend the redt of my life with her. Even with the differences of beliefs, the struggles we might face, I was willing to go through it all. Even now, I know I was immature in some parts, but I also know that my love wasn’t just feelings, even now looking at it all, even with months that have passed by. Now here in the present, I see my life and it is given completely to God. Even though it has been because of my recent singleness, God has been good, giving me strength and in turn a purpose I thought was forgotten.
From the day I was born I was told I was going to preach his word, be a pastor. The firat time I became a Christian, God told me the same thing, that I was going to be a light to his peopld, reflecting his love, love and speaking truth. But the. I started loving money and wanted to boast in my accomplishments. That was when I wanted to be a designer. Yet it was always there, I would write articles or preach to people, teach. Time passed and then it would come and go, the “calling”. And here I am now, a life completely surrendered to God. And here I am with the decisions to make, would I be smart enough to actually listen? God tells me not to worry, though I do, like how will I pay school, bills, even house or provide. Yet he tells me if he cares even for the birds why not his son, to pursue my calling. I love to write and in turn I see myself including that as well, a Christian writer or as well getting into biblical studies. But my notions have me bombarding God’s, my flesh and people saying that following that path, preaching or teaching the word, being a writer doesn’t pay and doing it both as a christian writer? Definetely not. Plus the constant pull my heart makes towards the girl I love and yet can’t be with.
It’s truly hard. I can so easily get into the ways of the world but my focus has shifted to God, to the eternal, to the kingdom, to people, to truth. Yet I continue in the race, even with the constant temptations that come about in this world. I don’t drink heavily anymore in the sense that I don’t get drunk, I may drink a couple beers or wine but that’s it. I don’t smoke the mj anymore. It is to allow self control and it is because of the Holy Spirit that this has happened, even the constant need or desire for sex. The struggles with porn. People think the Christian life is easy, it is not. I am a human being. But I don’t think I’m religious, i simply follow the commandments my God instructed to show love and obedience. It is a renewing of my mind and heart and in turn, I turn away from the world. This isn’t to show or reveal something, this is to show, I am human, I don’t have a degree in writing, I’m not a great speaker, nor am I rich, I am but a man, still with no college degree, working everyday. But I know or understand now, I don’t need to be rich, I don’t ultimately need someone or something to find joy, God is enough. Even with all that being said, because of the way this world is and knowing myself, I would love to find my wife and be as one, I would like to be equipped to the finished work God will do in me to reflect Christ. That’s all I can say, God do your will and use me as your please, it’s now or never.