It’s a marvel. To know love and be loved. To connect in a level that is more than the physical. To hold on to emotions, the mind, soul. Isn’t it? Yet I’ve lived my life unaware of the damage I was doing or the misunderstanding of love. I would categorise this article more so as personal than anything else. Yet in doing so, I want to properly demonstrate the change not just write about it, I want people to see it, ehen they see me.
I am known to be seen as a hopeless romantic. The truth is I love the idea of love. The stories I’ve heard, the movies I’ve seen or even the poems, books, and etc, I read. Yet I never really knew love. It wasn’t until my recent relationship with someone that I knew what true love was. Even then the whole experience when it ended was shaped by he who is love. God showed me true love in its purest form, himself.
For someone who has done so many mistakes, in my imperfections, and if someone who accepted me for who I was, what more does God? He not only accepted me and takes care of me but literally, God the father gave his son and his son died not just for me, but for us. Yet in those moments I felt the magnitue of it all, Jesus died for me. It was in that moment that I noticed my joy, my inner desire to be loved or that I felt incomplete by the woman I love leaving me, I knew, God is enough. Even now knowing all my wrong doings and placing my focus on him, my singleness has drawn me to change my perception of love, not just in God but with and through him. To all people, a shifting has occurred within me and though I wait patiently for my own bride, I marvel at how much I have changed.
I am sorry to all those I’ve hurt, the hearts I’ve broken. Especially, to the woman I love now. Though time and circumstances have drifted us apart, my heart remains in the desire to be as one, but if God’s desire is not so, let his will be done. I wish God to watch over all and bless them, directing that the spirit, God, may encompass their lives and guide them to himself. That truth and love fill their lives. Even upon myself that some way my words may reach them so they understand I am sorry. Yet as well to see the change within me so that they may see the work God is doing and may see his glory, in turn, come to worship him. My heart breaks at times how unloving I’ve been, how selfish, disrespectful. I thought I knew love but it was in my darkest moments when I thought all was lost. Hopefully, they find he who is love, that is my desire.
For me considering myself the worst of sinners, was forgiven and made alive. I may not have been ready in the past for any relationship I entered, only God knows but I do know that now, the Lord works within me and shall bring me to where I need to be. He will also bring me my helper, my support, my wife, whoever it may be. I patiently wait. Yet as well, I want to not just wait in the sense as in not doing something but in the sense of growing and in turn being more like Christ. That even if God’s will was for me to not marry, that my love be like his own, to have a heart like his, a mind like his, to truly be made in his image without sin.
For I feel the calling now more than ever, to fish for men, women, children, to spread the truth, share the gospel, show love, to die daily but as well live in Christ. There has been a renewing within me, Christ has changed my affections. Now I’m willing to go where my Father calls me to be or go, to follow Jesus through any road he may have me take, for I am his. For though I write and it is within my calling to do so, may it also be bred in deed and action. May all glory be to God.