These very words that echo through every part of my being. That swarms through memories of life as I look back. Writing through the emotions and the tears that no longer seem to flow no matter how sad, happy, or angry I may feel. In knowing and seeing how crazy life has turned out and in understanding the choices I’ve made, the things I’ve said, have changed people, events, and in turn, myself. Yet just reciting the words we so casually hear seems to have no impact after awhile, yet here I am, writing as if all could hear or read these words, saying I’m sorry.
My past no longer comes to a surprise anymore. Reason I stretch back to it and bring it forward is because I try to reveal the lessons learned from it. It isn’t easy or at most part it was never truly easy getting up every morning and bearing the weight of the past and present. Each step feels like a never ending reminder of the failures, heartbreaks, your frailty, your weakness, your humanity. Yet here I am, as strong as I can ever be, still managing to live life, filled with love. It is no easy task but it is necessary, to learn to accept and move on.
We are taught day in and day out to “let go”. We’ve even turned to catchy phrases like, “let go and trust God”. But truly it is never good to just let go. Something I’ve learned is to accept what transpires. When I was deep in my studies of the occult, magick, and etc, something I learned was diminishing my “humanity”, my emotions. This in turn turned me cold and for the most part how I got my nickname at the time, “shado” I was dark and most people said, It felt like I wasn’t “there”. There is something we need to understand, things happen in life, we grow because of experiences and the lessons taught and learned. In doing so, we accept situations and understand why it happen, so in turn, things may have a different outcome. When you diminish or ignore an event or even a person, it changes you, it turns into a selfish venture. When we are kids we try to ignore things that we don’t like but it doesn’t change the fact that it is there.
But what does all have to do with being sorry? Like I’ve said, my life was never peach perfect or is it pitch perfect? I don’t remember. Either way, I haven’t been the best, heck, I haven’t come close to deserving any forgiveness in my eyes. From the days I would literally fight people for my own gain, debate people to claim my “wisdom” was better, to belittle people as a whole. Even to the way I objectified women and saw them as projects only to find myself now valuing love in its truest form. To having been cheated on, to idolizing people, to lying, to arguing, to even trying to change all for the sake of being seen as someone I’m not. It’s a marvel at the people who actually know me. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, I can count my friends with two hands. I’ve only been in two serious relationships and through it all, wrap everything together and all I can say is…I’m sorry.
My life has been a constant roller coaster. God rich in his mercy has allowed me to see how precious it is. Even upon my past and his sovereign naturr, he still forgives and forgave me. Yet even with that I’ve learned to ask for forgiveness and accept the things that have happened or happen in life. We don’t end up always where we dream to be, end up with the people we think will always be by our side. I never have claimed to be perfect and I’m sorry to all who I’ve hurt. Sorry to all I’ve could’ve helped but yet the fear in allowing God to use me entirely has pushed it back. I’m sorry for being me. It may sound weird but the thing is this, we’ve tried to be “us” and notice it isn’t working. So in turn I’ve died to self and allow God to reshape me.
I cannot take back all that I’ve done or have said but I can be present and live a life according to the will of God. To show love and share truth in the form I know best, through teaching and writing. I hope even those who follow my blog understand. I am my biggest enemy and sometimes I wish to write what I would like you to read instead what is needed to be read or even what I truly feel compelled to write. They do say writing is hard yet easy at the same time, I understand now. And though I may seem at my weakest at times, feeling is what makes me human, and being human is what reveals how I am such a beautiful creation. To God and all, I’m sorry. I will no longer let myself be held back, I’m at the service of God and his people. And to those in the past, I’m sorry, but see that I am no longer my past and hopefully we can all forge a better future.