It is not that I want to appeal to a set of individuals who share my beliefs or are captivated by the narrative I portray through the stories presented. It is not solely for the enjoyment I find out of allowing pieces of myself become flushed through the ink or pixels on a screen. I write because I want to share who I am and the universe that is my mind. I am a never ending mystery.
People have always tried to “solve” me. It would seem that it is intriguing to actually be who I am. For the most part, I am random, while still clinging to a sense of order. I present a humorous yet sarcastic tone, while the latter a serious, motivated individual ready to present wisdom or truth. I am very empathic while as well seeming to be cold and distant at the same time. Even I can say I truly do not know who I am. am Yet through it all I can honestly say that I have found myself in God.
It comes to no surprise, if you were to look at my past or all I’ve been through. I always tried to find who I was or my identity in things or people. I would spend hours alone trying to piece together my desires. I would manipulate people to try to get a sense of control. I would allow girls the luxury to entertain me and even so when in turn I felt a sense of karma when I was cheated on, it burned. My sense of trust would diminish with people the more I was cut by lies and still I held to a loving personality. To calm the storms of emotions, depression, anxiety I would allow my mind to become enveloped by substances. Things became my addiction such as graffiti, drawing, drugs, alcohol, even sex. But still I remained to be who I always was, the mystery.
It was truly the beginning of when I first fell in love with another person. The thought or emotions I felt before with others didn’t fully compare. I never understood what love with another human being was truly like until her. I’m not going to lie and say it was a high school crush but it was as of late with my last ex. The moment she genuinely cared about me, when she asked what I felt, what I had planned, how I was. In turn as well it was when she began to give not herself in any physical way, but in all aspects. I began to trust again. I wanted her to be my forever but it was as if I could see her as my forever. Time, attention and etc everything shifted for me. But in turn as well I began to adopt the same ideology of before. I wanted it to be perfect and force certain things, begining to change once again. I began to see a common pattern within me, I was a very difficult person. Even though I worked hard and made myself to appear to be the perfect boyfriend, it was always about me. I never would cheat, would do anything, and etc, I was too focused on me. But as well not enough of building something together. Not just in a relationship but with everyone.
I don’t have to further explain how things didn’t work out but a lot hasn’t really worked out in my life. Things happen and one is never really in control. I’ve always struggled to understand that in life and in turn has caused me to be ocd, depressed, filled with anxiety. Yet in the moments I was “broken” when I felt like everything came crashing down, God was there. I’m not a perfect soul or a justified human being who someone could look up to in my opinion. I’ve gone through the darkest of places and have done horrible things. Hurt so many people, loved and lost. But what I can say is the more I looked in the mirror the more I tried to see who I really was and couldn’t only because I wore so many masks. Yet God came in, he showed me clearly, removing the darkness and showering me with his love. Now I can say there are days where I feel as if I cant go on but God helps me up. There are days where I want it easy but God pushes me to keep going. My identity is not found in the world or people, ideas and etc, it is found in God. It can seem hard to understand or fathom but his light reveals who I am and I’m becoming a better person for it. Even if I do not know the future and that remains a mystery, even if I never knew who I was before, the pieces are all coming together, I’m me, a child, a son of the most high God. And I will continue to grow….