Loving love

Everyone loves love. This is something not to take lightly when we hear this. We become so infatuated with a person at times or the idea of love, romance, with an individual we allow it to cloud us. At times we hold to someone or something that requires you to let go because deep down it is hurting you, not allowing you to grow. I wrote this out of all the experiences I’ve had, yet I can be called young but that doesn’t excuse if what I speak on the is true.

The reality of love or relationships I’ve seen now is people don’t want to commit anymore. It is either they want to “try” dating someone or they “feel” something and once it is gone, they also drift away. I’ve spoken about it many times, what has happened to love? Truth? Nothing has happened to it, only our views and meaning.

I’m not going to go on a long rant on what is love, if you want you can check my previous articles but just know love is truly, giving, sacrifice, respect, trust, devotion, patience and etc. The reality is love doesn’t stop, regardless of the circumstances or events, love overcomes. Many people don’t understand this one thing, true love never dies. I see people nowadays consumed by lust and passions yet once a wall is reached instead of moving over or forward they stop. RelationSHIPS become wrecked and our views distorted of people because someone may have been “wrong” but in reality not ready.

Even to the point in stating if one is truly going to be ready we forget that there is never going to be truly a time to be “ready”. Scripture tells us a man pursues his wife or finds her, meaning gentleman, get off your butts and pursue but do so with respect and with knowing what true love is. In the same manner, women, be of support and not always trying to control your “man”. It’s not about calling names that are cute, not “bae”, build with them and grow. Truly grow with eachother, get to know them and build your foundation on something solid. Let God be your guide. I’ve experienced what happens when you let sex consume you, when you idolize someone, instead get to know them, become best friends, lovers, etc. Don’t rush into something, instead learn to commit.

What this short little spouting of words is meant to do is to help people understand that each of us is of value. People are not something to pass the time. Each of us has stories and lives and when we take time to grow and commit we become as one. Let your intentions be true and clear from the jump, one should ultimately date for marriage and I’m not saying the person you might be dating is the “one”. Truly see the person, You are giving yourself to, commiting, is doing the same and though love is more than giving than receiving we must also recognize that love doesn’t hold back or is self centered, each person gives to eachother and builds upon eachother. You will have fights, you may even have heart breaks. Just know as well, time doesn’t heal, no, God does, and when you begin to see you do have value as well, not in an egocentric way of thought, but as someone who is loved and is so filled with love to give to another, you will see the beauty of love. It is not a fantasy, love is real.

If This Is Love

If this is love, may the space be penetrated to come to distance as I marvel upon a star. Blasting off from the rocks that hold me by force. Finding an orbit beyond the heights of the heavens.
If this is love. Allow me to remain anchored amongst the seas. Diving deep and finding my treasures amongst shipwrecks. Enduring the storms and waves til I find land.

If this is love, mark the passages and words, eloquently written about such a blissful tale. Bring meaning to these feelings that transcend ties of emotions that drown me in oceans.

If this is love, bring me my paint to allow all to see the face of such beauty. Letting my senses trace with proper texture as my hands run through the curves of the features.

If this is love, understand that though I’m held in awe by your expressions, I’m captivated by your imperfections seeing it to fit into the pieces of perfection. Learning to know you in body, mind, soul.

If this is love, know that I will love forever and more, never letting go for love that is given is better than received and my heart…is yours.

At 25

Just a number. 25. Yet this number regarded in such a way that is said to mark adulthood. Some can argue and say 18 should be the mark. Others can agree and state what is said about this number in which I have presented.

At 25, it is said by this age one has finished college for the most part. Your career is established. You are either starting to get serious with someone, married, have a kid, or getting out of your 20s phase. You begin to feel the effects of truly being an adult. It is true others can feel it earlier or even a bit later. Yet to the constant that remains, 25 seems to be a mild stone in life.

I never saw any of this or even worried about such things in which I wrote about. No looking back or even stopping and observing my own life. Now, at 25, I can say these “goals” or steps one should have taken seems to be just a limitation placed upon people. I don’t believe in following a “list” of dos and don’t s, though I learned from the experiences, mistakes and have grown from that. During the generations of the 90s kids and 2000s, the “rules” seem to be changing.

At 23, I was signing to buy my first house. I never finished college, only going so far to gain my certification in a technical college not even an associate. By 24 and now 25, I have been in a management position for about 5-6 years now. At 25, I discovered my passion to write and know I want to be a writer, an author. At 25, God showed me the path I needed to take to serve him and his people. At 25, a calling to preach and teach has engulfed me from what was prophetised when I was a couple of months old. At 25, I am single though like I stated I found love in a different way, myself and others, due to my realization of my narcisstic tendencies and pride in which I avoided or disregarded til late. At 25, I started a blog, am writing 2 books, and feel as clear headed as ever. At 25, I am now a couple months sober from any substance. At 25, I am no longer letting the facades that overencompassed my life before with the lies and living as honest as I can. At 25, I am learning to be in control to the extent of the holy spirit truly changing me and allowing me self control over my body and mind to be healthy, mentally and physically. At 25, I respect women and no longer see them as projects or objectify them. At 25, I have owned 2 cars. At 25, you could say I was truly living.

You see, age is a number and no matter what people tell you, life is uncertain. We each experience things or do things at our own time, regardless of age. Be patient. In and through all I’ve learned that God heals, changes, directs you to a proper purpose when you lead a life for him, it isn’t about a number.

Perilous Nights

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How long is the overbearing thoughts going to continue to exhaust our entire being? We are so ecstatic to talk about various situations that go on in our lives and a truly pay no heed to what it could all mean. We spend hours of our days or minutes and scroll through timelines yet seem to lose time in itself. Our eyes dart around the screen as the light engulfs the dark room. Yet through it all, not once, have we stopped to see the path it takes us.

I’ve said it time and time again, to be present. Yet this very subject is something I mostly try to teach myself. From falling into a constant turmoil of thoughts and emotions that race with my very being to come to the surface. We forget such odd happenings in which has drawn us to be here in moments of darkness feeling despair. The reality sinking us. Feeling a gravity that we were so quick to ignore or test as science projects and never weighed in until we truly feel life upon our shoulders. Such it is with the world, better yet, my life it would seem.

Allow me to be honest. How is it that we are raised to believe that hard work pays off and countless people spend 2-3 jobs working dead end jobs, just to pay for meals or bills to support their family? How is it that we are told all these ideas, advices, techniques, yet no one truly knows the measure of what a real relationship is based on? It is mind boggling. I do not know if it is because of my current state of mind as of late or if it by nature, a requirement for me to draw up these questions. Yet, night after night, they return and with even more intricate forms, attacking my notions of the world to inquiry answers that I was never truly taught.

It would seem nights have become a journey of sorts. From the lack of sleep to me returning to reading more, to the escape, writing. Yet it is more than all of this combined. Some can claim I am merely coping with the events in my life. My narcissistic nature finally being subdued and finding a balance of true peace and humility. One where my contentment in life is not measured by status, title, career, or measurement of people surrounding me. Long nights arguing with myself on why I still say or better yet, trying to understand if it is normal or like psychologists state, the process of moving on. I keep hearing so much noise and in turn it was one of the reasons why I removed myself away from the distractions of social media. I needed to focus on not only my goals but finding myself again.

It is said life would be easier when you give God control. For the longest time I’ve always wondered if “it worked”. As if it was a magic pill one took or if someone just blasted you with a fairy ju-ju, to believe in a mythological fairy tale rubbing your back to make you feel “good”. My life has never truly been “happy”. I can say it’s been filled with tribulations, heart breaks and honestly, my level of trust or even of judgment of people, is very thin. Yet for the longest I put on an act. I said all the right things, honest things that just came to mind, but for the most part it was what I wanted others to know. And so the nights that were once dulled by substances were clouded by discomfort. Now as the storms rage on again and I allow myself to be vulnerable by sharing my thoughts, myself to the world, the mystery of me fades and feel at “risk”. Yet what better way to truly feel free, is it not? To allow the truth to come to light and through the storms know that good weather returns at the end. Such it is with life, we forget that, we will go through hell or so it is said. But understand, God is with you, you grow and become disciplined if you learn from all the experiences, teachings, and mistakes. Through every perilous night, there is a soothing morning, one where we can begin anew.

Looking From Within

12:33 a.m. I could see the seconds pass by as I just lie on my bed. The days seem longer than most. Work has now become a way to feel a sense of escape from the life I live. No longer hindered by my past I still reside in a state of mind that is in constant analytical structure. What people normally just take in as simple questions and answers, my mind compiles to its roots and where it will all come about, hence, over thinking or drawing up assumptions.

I can’t really remember the last time I slept soundly. I occasionally have trouble sleeping at night. I would take some pills to help my body regulate back to a normal schedule. Yet because of all that I’ve endured, the job I worked for 6 years, prior to this one, it has become disoriented. In turn, nights like these where I am left to the chaos which is my mind, letting it all come and find its reason, in the silence and darkness, is in a way, soothing.

I’ve explained some of the things that has been happening in my life and upon such ventures its helped me grow. Not only has it helped but its begun to reveal who I truly am. For someone who always wants control, sense of it, prideful and lets be honest here, narcisstic tendencies, it seems like the mask continues to crumble. The reality is one just grows tired of what we have become and in turn are forever changed. I hardly realized the leaps in life that has happened. I was once homeless. That should have me in a certain way. Or even how I struggled to survive and how I now have this mentality to push on, work hard, give my best, no matter what to never fall into such a state. I have loved and truly know love, how fortunate can one be?

We focus so much on the things that benefit us at times that we forget all that we were and see who we are now. So much has happened in my life. We become so anxious on what could be and don’t stop to see ourselves now, here, the present. Just maybe, I am here right now, under the right time, right place. I could be doing so many things at the moment yet, I’m here, focused, and pushing on. All I can say is that with how much I’ve changed, I can say and show that I am sorry to those I hurt. But just the same, I forgive myself, we forget that. We forgive others or even events yet, we forget that we are someone we need to love and forgive as well. And so I look out to the world, myself, not simply with my eyes but with my heart for what better way can the world be seen?

It’s Incredible

It’s really a marvel, to just step back and see everything that has been happening. We rarely do that nowadays. We focus more of finding an “alone” time, relax, dull the mind or senses, we forget to just reflect on life as a whole. It happened to me as I finished writing my last entry, going through the list of articles in jotterpad I have written out. Each post a reflection of my beliefs, my work, out into the world. Where people I don’t know read it and just as I do to articles, wonder what brought them to write such a piece.

It’s been quite some time looking back as well on where I stand as an individual. I am currently single and with my views shifted to what truly is, learning more about myself, growing, allowing God to change me, I see how much I’ve evolved. I could hardly recognize myself and though I do tend to bare similarities, the distinction is relevant. The reality is that we forget how amazing such simple things affect us.

I’ve heard the butterfly effect, heck, I’ve even seen all three movies(first one is only one I recommend). I see how just by my choices, how I’ve affected people’s lives forever. Even with that said, I see how much things and people have affected myself. Everything seems to be so interwoven like a puzzle piece yet seemingly as random as a single grain of sand of sand at the beach. Still, that one grain forms a collective to allow the shore to be formed. Such is how life has been revealed to me. The more I live on, the more intricate, complex it seems yet orchestrated by design. And though it seems as if I’m ranting, I ask you if you’ve ever just stopped, wondered, and just said to yourself, it’s incredible, isn’t it?

Just Do It

Time seems to just pass by, I’ve learned that a lot over the past couple of weeks. You can be so engaged upon a mitaculous events that it all seems to be a blur. One day you wake up an notice time has simply passed you by. We honestly believe we have all the time in the world and honestly that is our fault as people. The reality is we do not and we have all these ideas or goals we set for ourselves, no real “time” as we put it and in turn see it pass us by. Today, just as always, I encourage you to get off your comfort zones, not only to you but myself as well.

Let’s be honest, we would all rather be doing something we would truly enjoy, truly benefit from. Some people find solace in their career choices, others work a job they hate til they retire. Kids dream big, adults say they, themselves, need to wake up and pay bills. We are in a constant battle with ourselves and our society.

I can’t even tell you how many times people said I needed to finish school to survive being an adult. Yet here I am, 25 years old, no degree, and though I would like to get one, I would do so to meet people and be open to more possibilities. The reality is we limit ourselves.

I’ve talked about how we need to break free and become who we are meant to be. But one thing I didn’t truly say or write is to just go out and do it. Trust me, I am not the most well known writer, like I’ve stated, I’m not published or event have people asking to read my latest work. Still, I take time out of my day to write not only in my journal, my book, but on my blog as well. I may not be bringing in the “green” through writing, but guess what, I still write. Every post or wordbrings me closer to what I want to accomplish, knowing I am a writer in my heart and letting the world see it. So should everyone be in the state of mind.

We fear so much in life. Life is short, like they usually say, go big or go home. Now I’m not saying drop everything and move to Japan to be a samurai. With a calm, collected mind, sound in reason, prepare the steps to take to get to where you see yourself and actually walk it. We can spend hours dreaming or wishing things to come about, in reality though, hard work pays off. Stop making excuses. Go and do it.

Smart Phones Work?

30 mins left before I go into work. It’s true, I have a busy life. Being a manager at a retail store, freelancing or finding work for graphic design, church activities and finally podcast. Yet here I am, take my phone out and just write.

Some of you know how I decided to just get out of social media. From the giants of twitter, facebook, to my favorites like Tumblr, or even the “popular” ones to chat with, Snapchat. I just decided one day to come to terms with myself, looked into how to remove, gave no fair warning to all my “followers” and friends and poof, erased. Of course nothing is really erased online, I disengaged from the whole field.

Now some can disagree and ask why would I do that? I do get the weird questions and people looking at me weird when they find out I don’t partake in any of that. They even roll their eyes when I try to explain how I feel people aren’t really connecting, jump into conspiracy theories, or even say how and why I believe it is just a major distraction. Yet through it all, it helped me see one of the key fundamental things as a writer in this day and age, smart phones.

Yes, our phones. How can someone who talks so much about disconnected be so “connected”? It is actually quite funny to be honest. My phone has turned into my office and my personal computer all at once. And though people see it negatively I will help those writers who think they don’t have time, find time and also use your phones to the best and most productive way for your writing.

1. Download a writing app:

We all know google docs, word, but the one I personally use is jotterpad. I’m not getting paid to advertise, I wish. But seriously, in this day and age, find an app that works for you and your phone. Don’t have time to sit down on your computer? You carry your phone everywhere you go. So I’ll put the top 4 ways writing can be done on your phone and ways that will improve it.

2. You always have time, if not, make some:

From the ten minutes you are taking a break, to your hour lunch break, waiting for kids to get out of school, on the bus, uber, few minutes before bed. You have to time. Be serious with yourself and learn to commit and prioritize. Do you really want to be called a writer or publish your book? Sacrifice that night out you might get wasted and seriously write. Im not saying drop everything but like I stated before, you have time in between events, with your phone, you can write literally from everywhere and anywhere.

3. Link your phone to a Dropbox or drive online:

Trust me, this right here has for more occasions than most has saved my butt. I could be writing and just save, link, upload and when I have time to sit down in the corner of my room to actually write on my laptop it makes things easier. I feel as if I am never behind and even if I do decide to head out, I could write at a later time and not worry about missing deadlines or work.

4. Don’t become distracted:

This right here is harder for some people. Now this is for writers I’m trying to convey. What I learned was that I don’t really need social media. If people truly cared about you, they would text and call you and vice versa. You actually start to notice who really wants to know about your life and not just see a highlight reel. Besides that, you start to focus on life and become present not watching timelines or sharing silly pictures. Granted you may feel as if you are missing out on peoples lives but the reality is when you meet up, you learn to appreciate all the catching up and building something real with them. Not only all these benefits, when you turn notifications you may not need, little fun games on your phones. It’s good to take a break and relax at times but also don’t get dragged into the world of notifications and wanting to be “liked”. If you are on social media and it works for you, hey, it works for you. You learned how to balance it and not let it control you I hope.

Now learn to do this and apply it with the other 3 and you are golden. Smart phones are actually good for the name. They do make life easier in a bit and it all is a matter of if you know how to use it properly. Be smart about it. Gee signing out, be blessed all.

Thoughts of Reality

Today I saw the reality of this world through people. There was a brief moment where I felt as if time froze and those moments, I felt the gravity of the world.

I can’t really explain what it was that I felt, yet I can say without a doubt I felt how distant I truly am.

For the most part I am good at relating to various things that are happening in the world. If someone is talking about the latest shows, I like watching various, not only to see stories being depicted but giving me inspiration to my own work. Yet as people discussed events, I stood on my own, wondering about my state of mind and the state the world is in. It was an eerie feeling to say the least as I try to bring it into words. For the first time in a long time, I felt alone.

The truth is I’ve been feeling like this for awhile now. I feel like I am moving away from people and in turn feeling like I am alone. The more I study or research, the closer I get to God, I truly see myself as set apart. This is by no means a way to declare I’m like novelty or better than anyone it just a way I’ve been feeling. But as well, there is something within me that calls out, trying to be filled. We long for temporary things or try to fill this longing within it, but it is of no success. I am plagued by the way I think or how I am. Sometimes I feel it as a curse. To feel so much and yet feel nothing at all sometimes. To be able to know truth and still respect and abide to others because you try to bring them light and hope without leaving them in dismay. To feel a need to do more and yet feel trapped. To know you could do so much and know that what I do now is enough. To have so many questions and know someone of the answers, yet a want to change them.

I will not lie and say I’m 100% healed and saved from my depression. There are moments where it all feels numb or I feel everything at once. Yet today it was as if I could see myself as if I I was someone looking from the outside and yet knowing what goes on in my mind. Besides that, I could feel as if I was still missing something in life. We are told time and time again that Jesus is all you need and thus it’s true but in all honesty I don’t know why I feel as if I’m still missing something. Or is the reality that I am tricking missing because I miss someone? Is that which I hold unto as love still gnawing within me? Yet I am but a memory now and as I continue in life, I let it all fade away and allow history to be set in place, marked forever in stone in that which is Earth.

The Mask

I remember the line, “It’s smoking!”, the classic movie Jim Carrey played in during the 90s. It related to my life in many ways and now looking back at it, more than what I would like to admit. Though some don’t even know that the film itself is an adaptation from the original comic story.

For those who aren’t familiar, there’s a guy who finds a mask and when he puts it on becomes something else, or someone else. Like the story of Jekyll and Hyde. Though I never got into reading the whole series of the comic, the movie did play a role in shaping my life subconsciously.

Like I explained in my recent blog post, I’ve grown tired of the facade that I seemed to make myself into. So many people know this false identity that it really is tiring to say the least to keep up with him. Now that I officially am more so myself, I’m removing the mask. Now why the cover up you may ask? It really was as a ruse, I wanted people to think of me as something else, while still being in the shadows. A mystery. Just as Bruce Wayne acted like he was a douche or even how Clark Kent acted the way he was, all too hide who they really were.

I never wanted people to get close to me. From the days I ventured into the occult and was slowly being led away from it, I knew my past would scare people. Especially my family, I was cold, dark, and so I allowed humor or my sarcastic side to take root and made my own persona. People nowadays know me to be that pun, literal, “smart” guy, being slick and sassy. Those who get a hint of who I am see me for a bit of who I am, a loving, humble guy, who prefers being alone, yet have intellectual conversations with others. I’m not part of the norm of what most people think. True, wearing this “mask” has started to become part of who I am, I still enjoy jokes, it isn’t who I am. Like some may know, I removed all social media but that is because I feel it is a waste, I find one gets disconnected with the world and people rather than being in the moment. And now looking back at it, it seems I would always do it while I was trying to let learn yet I was being conformed to ways I never liked. Even then I can honestly say, I have done things I am ashamed to admit, people I’ve hurt and etc, but as well I feel I grew more distant trying to hide it all then allowing people to truly know me and see how much I’ve changed.

The reality is we all wear masks at times. We might work in a job we dislike and still smile at people, act a different way. The truth is we act differently to everyone we meet depending on our level of trust with them. And to a point you shouldn’t give your heart out freely or allow others to know your secrets buy there comes a time when you just have to be yourself. This is the point I’ve reached. I am young, I haven’t had a mid life crisis. But I do feel that I am as weird and out of the norm as they come. Most people find it weird, my recent changes and for the better, I now can see who really took the time to get to know me or even want to learn. We wear our masks comfortably and slowly lose ourselves, we become something else. This should never be the case. Instead, be you, the world will shape you or try to present you an image to bear, but in reality your identity is not found behind a mask, learn to admire and appreciate who you see in the reflection, and once you do you’ll find others who do as well. The truth is better than a lie.