I just don’t know

​Sigh…another day. It’s been a few days now since I stared into a screen and allowed myself to “bleed” (so I describe writing). I’ve been in a very contemplative mood as of late. Life seems to continue on its course and I feel as a stone who doesn’t budge but drowns in the depths of its course. It’s all become a blur to me in actuality. I used to be that “guy” who had it all figured out or knew what to do. Of course, my OCD was usually the cause of my organization but as late I feel the reality that life is truly uncontrollable. 

I remember as a young lady how I would dream about living on my own and at the time following my dream of being a pilot. Now looking at my reflection upon a mirror, I’m 25, with a desire to write. The years I spent in school to become a graphic designer now seem to have been just a way to lead me to where I am now. I could remember all the details in which allowed me to grow as a writer now, the push, inspiriations, and even then I am uncertain what the future holds still. I have so these big plans and I keep hearing people say that we need to pursue our dreams and reach our goals. Thing is, I’ve done that multiple times and even then I’m still at a loss.

When I was a freshman in high school my goal was to graduate, being the first person in my immediate family to do so, since my father and mother never finished, and brothers dropped out to work and help maintain the family. Once I graduated I developed a “10 year plan”. This plan said by the time I was 23 I was going to finish school and by the time I was 25 have a house/start a company and by 27 married. When I became 23 I bought my first house, at 25 now I did manage to finish school and like I said I have a house, granted I don’t have a bachelor’s degree and yet I find no “degree” or title defines who I am. 

Through all of how life really is, the vain pursuits we push to obtain and in such efforts never truly live and just exist. And I see that now, how I rather spend time with family, growing in wisdom and knowledge, spreading truth, and sharing love, helping people rather than what most people do. Granted I’m not saying people’s lives are worthless it’s just, we think we know how life will play out and forget the true value of it or our purpose. I’ve found that I truly just want to be here, now, and write. The future will come on its own time. I don’t know who I will marry nor if my writing career truly does kick off in the future. But what I am certain of is that I want to live, not just become a slave to a system we have been fashioned to follow since birth. And so I encourage everyone to let go of the past, don’t try to hold to an idea of the future but be willing to accept the future is uncertain and begin to truly let life run its course. Be blessed.

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