Today I saw the reality of this world through people. There was a brief moment where I felt as if time froze and those moments, I felt the gravity of the world.
I can’t really explain what it was that I felt, yet I can say without a doubt I felt how distant I truly am.
For the most part I am good at relating to various things that are happening in the world. If someone is talking about the latest shows, I like watching various, not only to see stories being depicted but giving me inspiration to my own work. Yet as people discussed events, I stood on my own, wondering about my state of mind and the state the world is in. It was an eerie feeling to say the least as I try to bring it into words. For the first time in a long time, I felt alone.
The truth is I’ve been feeling like this for awhile now. I feel like I am moving away from people and in turn feeling like I am alone. The more I study or research, the closer I get to God, I truly see myself as set apart. This is by no means a way to declare I’m like novelty or better than anyone it just a way I’ve been feeling. But as well, there is something within me that calls out, trying to be filled. We long for temporary things or try to fill this longing within it, but it is of no success. I am plagued by the way I think or how I am. Sometimes I feel it as a curse. To feel so much and yet feel nothing at all sometimes. To be able to know truth and still respect and abide to others because you try to bring them light and hope without leaving them in dismay. To feel a need to do more and yet feel trapped. To know you could do so much and know that what I do now is enough. To have so many questions and know someone of the answers, yet a want to change them.
I will not lie and say I’m 100% healed and saved from my depression. There are moments where it all feels numb or I feel everything at once. Yet today it was as if I could see myself as if I I was someone looking from the outside and yet knowing what goes on in my mind. Besides that, I could feel as if I was still missing something in life. We are told time and time again that Jesus is all you need and thus it’s true but in all honesty I don’t know why I feel as if I’m still missing something. Or is the reality that I am tricking missing because I miss someone? Is that which I hold unto as love still gnawing within me? Yet I am but a memory now and as I continue in life, I let it all fade away and allow history to be set in place, marked forever in stone in that which is Earth.