12:33 a.m. I could see the seconds pass by as I just lie on my bed. The days seem longer than most. Work has now become a way to feel a sense of escape from the life I live. No longer hindered by my past I still reside in a state of mind that is in constant analytical structure. What people normally just take in as simple questions and answers, my mind compiles to its roots and where it will all come about, hence, over thinking or drawing up assumptions.
I can’t really remember the last time I slept soundly. I occasionally have trouble sleeping at night. I would take some pills to help my body regulate back to a normal schedule. Yet because of all that I’ve endured, the job I worked for 6 years, prior to this one, it has become disoriented. In turn, nights like these where I am left to the chaos which is my mind, letting it all come and find its reason, in the silence and darkness, is in a way, soothing.
I’ve explained some of the things that has been happening in my life and upon such ventures its helped me grow. Not only has it helped but its begun to reveal who I truly am. For someone who always wants control, sense of it, prideful and lets be honest here, narcisstic tendencies, it seems like the mask continues to crumble. The reality is one just grows tired of what we have become and in turn are forever changed. I hardly realized the leaps in life that has happened. I was once homeless. That should have me in a certain way. Or even how I struggled to survive and how I now have this mentality to push on, work hard, give my best, no matter what to never fall into such a state. I have loved and truly know love, how fortunate can one be?
We focus so much on the things that benefit us at times that we forget all that we were and see who we are now. So much has happened in my life. We become so anxious on what could be and don’t stop to see ourselves now, here, the present. Just maybe, I am here right now, under the right time, right place. I could be doing so many things at the moment yet, I’m here, focused, and pushing on. All I can say is that with how much I’ve changed, I can say and show that I am sorry to those I hurt. But just the same, I forgive myself, we forget that. We forgive others or even events yet, we forget that we are someone we need to love and forgive as well. And so I look out to the world, myself, not simply with my eyes but with my heart for what better way can the world be seen?