How long is the overbearing thoughts going to continue to exhaust our entire being? We are so ecstatic to talk about various situations that go on in our lives and a truly pay no heed to what it could all mean. We spend hours of our days or minutes and scroll through timelines yet seem to lose time in itself. Our eyes dart around the screen as the light engulfs the dark room. Yet through it all, not once, have we stopped to see the path it takes us.
I’ve said it time and time again, to be present. Yet this very subject is something I mostly try to teach myself. From falling into a constant turmoil of thoughts and emotions that race with my very being to come to the surface. We forget such odd happenings in which has drawn us to be here in moments of darkness feeling despair. The reality sinking us. Feeling a gravity that we were so quick to ignore or test as science projects and never weighed in until we truly feel life upon our shoulders. Such it is with the world, better yet, my life it would seem.
Allow me to be honest. How is it that we are raised to believe that hard work pays off and countless people spend 2-3 jobs working dead end jobs, just to pay for meals or bills to support their family? How is it that we are told all these ideas, advices, techniques, yet no one truly knows the measure of what a real relationship is based on? It is mind boggling. I do not know if it is because of my current state of mind as of late or if it by nature, a requirement for me to draw up these questions. Yet, night after night, they return and with even more intricate forms, attacking my notions of the world to inquiry answers that I was never truly taught.
It would seem nights have become a journey of sorts. From the lack of sleep to me returning to reading more, to the escape, writing. Yet it is more than all of this combined. Some can claim I am merely coping with the events in my life. My narcissistic nature finally being subdued and finding a balance of true peace and humility. One where my contentment in life is not measured by status, title, career, or measurement of people surrounding me. Long nights arguing with myself on why I still say or better yet, know that I am in love with someone who wants nothing to do with me, trying to understand if it is normal or like psychologists state, the process of moving on. I keep hearing so much noise and in turn it was one of the reasons why I removed myself away from the distractions of social media. I needed to focus on not only my goals but finding myself again, better yet, finding God.
It is said life would be easier when you give God control. For the longest time I’ve always wondered if “it worked”. As if it was a magic pill one took or if someone just blasted you with a fairy ju-ju, to believe in a mythological fairy tale rubbing your back to make you feel “good”. My life has never truly been “happy”. I can say it’s been filled with tribulations, heart breaks and honestly, my level of trust or even of judgment of people, is very thin. Yet for the longest I put on an act. I said all the right things, honest things that just came to mind, but for the most part it was what I wanted others to know. And so the nights that were once dulled by substances were clouded by discomfort. Now as the storms rage on again and I allow myself to be vulnerable by sharing my thoughts, myself to the world, the mystery of me fades and feel at “risk”. Yet what better way to truly feel free, is it not? To allow the truth to come to light and through the storms know that good weather returns at the end. Such it is with life, we forget that, we will go through hell or so it is said. But understand, God is with you, you grow and become disciplined if you learn from all the experiences, teachings, and mistakes. Through every perilous night, there is a soothing morning, one where we can begin anew.