I’m here again. Contemplating thoughts within hours of which my time of rest is will over due. You would think, one such as myself would find the priority to take his sleeping pills and get a goods night rest. Yet, the thoughts plagued me and came flooding in before I had time to open the bottle. It would seem that my own lid came off and I began to bleed, so here I am. Laying on my bed with my laptop open and finding myself writing.
Single moments is time. Events that forever shape who you are but in this moment, it is not the events that take me into the chaos within my mind. It is this single moment right, here, now, the present. 20 years from now I will look back at this moment and remember it as fondly as I could as a way to keep pushing myself or seeing how far I’ve made it. This single moment, the moment where I am as it is stated, single.
I remember the saying, stick and stones might break your bones but words will never hurt me. Yet to me, I’ve found words to be mightier than the sword when used the right way. I work on a podcast with 2 other of my good friends. During our stay there, me getting enraged at fixing the program, he said something that made me feel the unending drowning of sorrow of unease from depression. I could hear the words bear weight upon my chest and with the current state of my anger, it all seemed to just bring me into the ocean of my mind, “I remember when I was single, it sucked, you are all alone.”. Now some of you know may have read my post about singleness. I do truly believe singleness to be a calling, even a way for us to grow for the moment, til you connect with someone and truly grow with them. That being said, I was surprised when he said what he said because my response was, “Don’t say that to me.”, because out of all the words I spout, rants about love, I could feel it, as if I got stabbed, I am alone.
Now, like I’ve stated, I do feel misunderstood. I am different. I put Peanut Butter on Pizza, Honey Mustard on practically everything, slide my cup in the gas station drinks to make sure I have a bit of everything to have a mix, I stay up all night because I Delayed Sleep Syndrome, Sleep in the day, sing to myself, make weird noises, say puns, and etc. But I still am trying to wrap my head around how alone it truly made me feel. I could feel it. I know I have friends and people I can hang out with at times, yet you want to know or feel, loved, in a completely different way. In all honesty, that is why I consider my recent ex, my first true love. That love people tell you about, the three people you meet in life, she was who I considered “the one”. Not because of any stupid things but because she understood me and wanted to be in my life. Like I wrote in my recent post, I don’t really like….me…you would think it odd, someone who encourages others so much. But I’m not saying I hate myself, I hate my past, and every time I see my reflection, I’m reminded of who I was. Now gratefully, I know I am a child of God, I’m not perfect, I accept that and he fills me up and gives me life. (Don’t think I’m all depressive now, bear with me.)
So then here I am, thinking in this very “single” moment (all puns intended). Who is out there for me? Sure it has been a year since I’ve dated, before my ex, I came from a very manipulative relationship, before that someone who cheated on me, and overall it’s been a roller coaster. I sometimes laugh because I say to myself, there really isn’t anyone out there for me, I will die single. I’ve been hurt so much that I am actually scared to love again, even with all my ranting of love. People can say man up. But then again, I’m being human, I know myself not to be fully ready at the moment, sure a year has passed, I’ve changed and know who I am, my ambitions, and am making moves, but that is for me.
All I can truly say is, if God truly wants someone to come into my life, then let it be so. I will happily pursue. It may seem that I may be interested even at times, but the way I am at the moment, I’m still shaken. Everything has taken a lot out of me. I feel tired most days but I still get up and do what I must. And just as I reflect on all of this, I see it as just that, a “single” moment. Be it what it may, to those who may feel the same, don’t dismay. One day we will find ourselves together, with someone who understands and love. For to love and be loved is the greatest of rewards. Be Blessed.