Let’s clear the air. No, this isn’t a febreze commercial. I just wanted a catchy way to catch your attention. Here I am, 1 am, writing another post. Something clicked today as I was driving to work. Some notion that for the longest time since I started to reflect on my life and notice I was in fact a narcissist, have not surfaced. It goes like this, Am I truly who I should be?
Now, what is this nonsense all about, really? You would think with me being 25, I would know who I was or am. But to my reasoning and belief it wasn’t until key events or instances happened in my life that caused me to change. When I was about 7, my aunt died which showed me that life is precious. At the age of 10, my grandfather died which showed me to love others with all my heart. At the age of 15, I was homeless for awhile, which showed me to work hard and support those who truly stand beside you. At the age of 19, I noticed that every choice I make truly affects not only yourself but others so it is wise to really see the affect you have on others. At the age of 23, I learned that hard work does pay off and got my house, being a manager at my job. At the age of 25, I learned what true love is and in the same manner, what losing that felt like which unlocked the notion of which I speak about now.
I learned something or was revealed something during each event. People would say those were all mostly bad events, but for me, it was a way for me to get back up and become someone better, stronger. I was being tested by the fire and no matter what, I didn’t give up. Now this notion is simple, it was like a mirror stepped in front of me and I saw who I was at that moment. Never truly liking or loving who I was because of my past, I knew some things had to change, not just my physical but also who I was inside, my mental. I started to cut some people off, surrounding myself with like minded people. I promised myself I would cut off from drinking obsessively, to mask my pain, and even smoking weed. I began to control my body and my mind. Now understanding things in my life and why certain occurrences occurred, I was seeing myself change, or be changed. I did follow God closely, the years I walked in the desert, I began to go back to the well and drink from his cup. It was like a switch, flipped in my mind and I knew things were never going to be the same.
Now, for the most part, I do truly consider myself different. This isn’t my narcissist nature trying to take over again, this is me. I was the odd one always, the crazy guy, believing in “theories” or conspiracies, yet for me, it was always a pursuit of truth or going after what humanity has lost, its purpose or their nature.
So here I am now, coming to the purpose of this post, what triggered this sudden altering state of mind once again and what will commence from it? Simple. I was sitting, driving to work. Because of recent events, I started to feel an anger inside of me starting to rise. Like I said, I’ve always felt different or misunderstand. Not because of my OCD, my personality, but who I am as a whole. I was a broken mess, placed together and I still wanted to know how I could function after my history. I started to see a trend in things that limit people. They are reduced to jobs they don’t like or do things because they are slotted, sorted, categorized in such a way to limit them. Like I said, I was driving to work. Working a job I am not truly fond of, in a schedule or setting that doesn’t really call to me. I want to see change in the world and I am not one to sit idly by. I keep hearing noises from people or empty words and so I have allowed myself to be a voice. During my heart break, I let my passion take over and began to write for a purpose, to be a voice. I see it all now, I want to seriously do this, to write, to spend these long hours, compiling words and truly letting my heart bleed on paper or on a screen and to let the worlds within me come to life. I don’t care how hard the journey will be or how long, I won’t stop.
I don’t won’t to be limited. I keep hearing things like you can’t do this, you won’t be able to do that, and no one gives me the reasons why. I keep hearing people telling me I can’t talk about true love, because I’m not with someone or because my past relationships failed, I’m not married. How I can’t speak about my beliefs because we have established a relative outlook on life, where feelings or opinions supersede actual truth. I work these long hours in a system that I consider corrupt, only to reach a point in my life where my goal is to “retire”, spending meaningless hours on a sort of vacation while the world starves and is in need of my abilities or gifts. I keep hearing or reading about how I should be , based on the stars, my horoscope, my date of birth, numerology and etc. I keep hearing that because of my history or race, I should be a type of way. Because I have depressions, anxiety, OCD, am an introverted-extrovert(ambivert) I should be a type of way or I can’t do things. Yet look at me now, I am doing things.
NO! I’m tired of hearing so much limitations, I was made for more. I stayed quiet for most of my life and I truly want change. I will be up long hours, writing. I will go out on stages or streets, teaching people. I embrace who I am and what I was made to do. I know I have been called to teach people, to preach God’s word for the most part, but as well, I have been given this gift, to bring words together. I wonder at times if they are read, though I know that even if one person reads it and feels it, that is enough for me. So as I bring this to a close I ask what I asked before when I first started this blog, what is your life like? Are you happy with how you are? To live is to love and to love is a choice of ultimate sacrifice, what or how shall you live? Break down the walls of doubt, insecurity, “disorders” and start to make a change. Be a light. Love with all your heart. Be happy, for happiness cannot be found it is a state of being. Bad things do happen in this life but as they say, “Fall seven times, get up eight.”. Be blessed all.