Every phoenix rises once again from the ashes or so we hear. Like the sun we rise from the darkness. It is always captivating to me, the stories about coming back from feeling defeated. One of my favorite quotes is, “fall seven times, get up 8.”. The ability to be defeated and still find strength to get back up.
As of late, my mind has been in a constant turmoil. I am not one to find excuses for the actions I commit, I try to speak with honesty now. I havent written anything from my heart for awhile. Granted, I can write articles that inspire motivation, I also know, I havent written as much as before. Writing is my form of escape and instead I’m letting myself drown in my depression and anxiety. They never tell you it will be hard having this, you hear about it, see it in movies, but living with it? It is not fun.
I’m not the best role model. Though I try to always reflect a life of Christ, I am an imperfect human being. I still am learning to grow and for the most part as some of you may know, I am not to fond of my past. The reality is, I haven’t really forgiven myself. I see myself as a monster for the most part and that in turn keeps me from advancing to what God has planned. I am a new creation am I not? The question haunts me as I look upon the reflection and see a young man with a past that caused so much pain. Yet amidst all of that I also understand there has been good.
It actually was in part to my best friend helping me see something inside of me I try to ignore. I’m so quick to move on or act like things are okay, yet to actually face situations to change, it is hard for me. I speak encouraging words to others, but as well it is also me speaking to myself. I know what it is like to be completely defeated. To have nothing and no one beside you. Yet, just as the phoenix, God came and gave me life to be born again.
There is a fire that is burning within me once again. Even amidst my recent ventures, hanging out with some old friends, I knew I wasnt the same person. I am constantly changing daily. Life is moving forward and my heart and soul is being renewed and healed. I no longer follow certain patterns of the world, the closer I get to the Father. I noticed that, like I said before. I managed to attend my friends party, yet through it all, I find myself feeling alone, amidst it all. It was an odd feeling. The song by Alessia Cara, I’m Here, echoed in the back of my mind. And even a certain situation that had me shaken, woke me to my realization, I needed to rise.
We forget at times that once we are down, defeated, it is okay to ask for help. There’s days I don’t have it together, but God is always there, my friends, and of course, family. We were truly never made to walk alone in this earth. No matter how fallen you think you are, you are not beyond saving, nor unloved. I can relate to anyone. To those with a heavy heart, look at me. I do have depression, anxiety, heck still healing from a broken heart, being in love with someone who may not feel the same, seeing himself as a monster. But I also understand now God’s love. I was made in his image, that in itself reveals our value. All I can truly say is to rise again. Never give up, every battle we endure makes us stronger and if you need support, know God is there, and so am I. Gee_ology out, boom, let’s go. Be blessed