Aiming For Eternity

What is our purpose? An interesting question to start off this post/article. I spent years before trying to come up with an answer. Apart from my studies in the occult, in the world, no self help book allowed me to properly attain that peace of mind with an answer.

I remember reading somewhere how we are told to love ourselves and that we are of worth and then I asked, but for what? We store the treasures and attain a level of richness we seem worthy and still desire more. We push ourselves to be known and have a legacy but as time continues, records are broken and our limits overcome by another. Yet, this never stopled me and I continued to push forward but the question remained.

As of late, I’ve picked up and challeneged myself to properly read a Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I read this book when I was in high school but just to say I’ve read it. I tend to read like a speeding bullet, only having a book in my hand for 2-6 hours and going on to the next. Yet, I just finished my third day and I’ve been contemplating what I read and my life as a whole. In the book, he discusses that our purpose is never truly filled our known until we focus on the eternal, God.

Looking back at this blog even, my reason for writing, and reason for school. I genuinely want to help people and be a voice to the voiceless but as well, ultimately be a light and example that reveals God. Never to force my beliefs but properly demonstrate that Christians are not the stereotype people say we are. As Well, Gee ology is the study of my life as well and how I see the world. All of this branches out to my short stories, poems, and thoughts.

Now, what I’m trying to relay is as follows, life is but a passing vapor. We spend our lives doing grand things and in honesty it isn’t bad, just when our focus is shifted from our purpose of who we are and can do, is it in peril. We need to stop and seriously think, why am I doing this? A life focused on what truly lasts or of purpose will not only motivate us but ultimately have us love the life meant for us. We struggle as a generation with doubt, self inflated egos but let us see that as the Sun rises it sets and what you accomplish here may not even be known across the world. Doesn’t mean to stop loving as if all is vain but know that as temporary as our life is, life is much more when centered to that which is eternal, love, truth, and etc.

Royalty

I know we have our guards up but let me be honest. 

I want to take time to know what’s inside your palace. 

Kingdoms uniting when our hearts are deeply planted. 

This isn’t too much to ask, this isn’t magic. 

Stop acting and know I’m also afraid of being your regret. 

Confessing that I was afraid another will take me for granted. 

I’ll wage war and chase you across pastures. 

A king finding his queen amidst dreams. 

We’re royalty, so take my hand and let me belong to you.

Letters to You

We sit and reminisce, controlled by emotions. Looking for the perfect songs to describe and define these times. Instead of changing who we are and moving forward. Doesn’t mean we’ve moved on, just means we learn our worth. Though we try to stay close, distance is the prescription. You’re my addiction but you are not my home. My soul is destined to revolve in focus of God. Lessons learned so in turn I discern. My home is where my heart is and only God can fill that void. Poetry in motion and I just want you to know, youre not my world but you are my moon. Ocean calming me with tunes. You can spell out these letters I write. Our connection is beyond time so I put my trust in God. Only he can decide what will happen between me and you.

I Certainly Don’t Know

I remember when I first started this blog. Just a year ago. I was uncertain of how many words were going to form these articles and excerpts. I was unaware of people liking my words and those who supported my ventures. I was unaware that I was going to continue to grow as a person.

Now I’m here, still uncertain of what is to come within another year from now. But to my realization, why should I be caught in doubt and uncertainty. It is easy to try to plan your whole life. It is even easier to state to be present and focus on the now, but our minds wander.

The reality is, we do not know the future and the past cannot be lived again to have us be in a different place. I keep pounding it in my head. There was something that shut off that was triggered before during my current transformation since I started this blog. I remember speaking with such courage and making so many moves and devoid of excuses. I overcame and was keeping my depression, my anxiety, at bay.

Enough is enough. This is what hit me as before. I see it now. The moment when you see that you truly have control of your life, thoughts, actions. You can choose to let yourself be conquered by them or conquer them because you have learned who you are and now have self control. I do not know my future but I work today so that if I have a tomorrow it is that which I envision. Just the same in any aspect of my life, I do not know my spouse, but I shall remain loyal and be the woman she will love. In due time, doors will open up, but as Well I must be willing to go and see if they are open, knock, create my own doors, find the key. Everything in life is not handed down to us. Just like I learned from my walk in the Christian faith, man works for what he has, it is a blessing to do so.

I may be uncertain and I may have doubt but I will not let them define me. I must continue to push through. No excuses and complete control of the steps I take, removing that which keeps me distracted. Sometimes we just have to do that, I tend to do that with social media, just go ghost and it helps me leap forward in my dreams and goals.

And so I write this as a reminder and to encourage others as well once again. This actually reminds me how I used to write before. Keep going. All those who follow and have similar dreams to write or those who have their own dreams, it’s ok to not know. Be blessed.

In Me

Rest in pieces, my mind is seeking peace. I no longer hear the demons but see them beyond reason. Reflection revealing the spirit in contract with magick. Contacting me by the scar that marks an entity on my sleeve. So keep asleep as Erebus arises from nibirus’ feet. Horus keeping his eyes on me. They were right in prophecy by the 23rd. The end begins when the shadow is resurrected. Split in two, my heart finding winter coming. Abbadon, the captain reciting what he promised. Yes, his name now known from that of Gydus Senrow, no more hiding. Visions in ancient language. Aladdin looking for his jasmine but wait I got distracted. Trying to hold on to God before I break his commandments to command men. Covering rivers with blood and becoming the prophet of the dragon. But these chains are broken and Christ said, in me…be. My brother, my servant, stop turning and yearning for worldly needs. In me you no longer need to keep suppressed by demonic beings. In me, know that I have defeated all trespasses and angels intercede. In me and with me you find peace. In me, with me, God truly….completes….I AM.

Be bold.

My faith does not summarize or determine my level of intelligence. My faith determines my perception of reality based on my experiences and truth revealed. Just as a piece of paper or years in a school doesn’t reveal my understanding of a certain subject.

I’ve met and debated countless of people in various fields and my own education has been the books in libraries or ebooks downloaded. Though I have been mocked because I am a Christian, I’ve shown myself as one who is capable to defend his stance. Even now as I continue in my education, I hope to one day confidently stand amidst a collection of people and present the truth without any doubt of myself. This is one of the reasons why I hardly speak anymore, I wonder if I am capable or worthy of such a calling.

Don’t let your youth or convictions be judged by another, if you speak in truth, with love, continue to speak. These are words that God and others recite to me. Now I leave the charge as well to others. In an age where opinions are being treated as truth, speak against injustice, lies and corrupt ideologies.

I am Christian but this does not mean that I claim myself higher than others. In contrast, I know my faults and come humbly to God. But I must declare, my faith is no excuse for others to disregard my word’s.

Power of Words

I wanted to express myself in many ways before. I spent my younger years being loud and sarcastic. During my teen years, due to circumstances, I allowed myself to manifest through graffiti and drawing. I started to see that I was indeed art, as life progressed.

I am here looking up to the black ceiling and walls of my room. The room is pitch black and thr only sounds I could hear is the music and air conditioner. The words being typed in this screen allows me to escape reality for just a moment and so I feel free. It is in these moments I begin to bleed.

Writing is much more to me than words compiled on a piece of paper, quote I share, songs I write, my poetry, my articles or just excerpts compiled with random thoughts and feelings. The words I write reveal who I am and what I have come to understand. Ultimately, I share my story to the world or my perception of it mixed within worlds and universes.

Something I’ve tried to interpret properly is that words find meaning by the actions that follow. It is easy for me to write and discuss important matters but they remain just words if not seen evident by what follows as an act or building to something greater. It is the constant motivational messages, the reality that I’m human as well. We speak of being successful but what are doing to accomplish it? We can say we love and are in love, but what are you doing to reveal it as truth?

Just as the heart can be revealed by the fruits we best, our words can be perceived by what follows. It is easy to speak in such ways to entice an audience we present words to but are the words you’re speaking or writing coming to pass. Something to think about, really consider how you speak and what you write.

Unspoken but Written

For those wondering how I experience anxiety and depression, just a snippet.

I. It could of been different you know. The way the stars seem to write the story in the sky. Maybe I was made to cross the oceans of space. Time seems to cause me to burn of uncertainty and my heart yearns of wanting to know what could of been. Drawing me in the black hole that is my chest I reach for hands that will catch me. I rode with you but now I fall…

*delete*

II. I feel completely distraught, broken, I can’t explain what has overcome me…I embrace the darkness only to find that it even leaves me. Can you ask God to draw closer to me? Can you pray for me?

*delete*

III. Cast me and find me for I no longer can find my own conscious desire in this waking world. Can you see it? I guess you can’t, we hide behind such sweet lies that taste ravishly, hiding such a twisted mind. But I continue knowing my life is not mine to bear but made to serve others for I am not my own. Let it be an endless war til the coming of my king. Whisper words I wish to hear…

*Delete*

IV. Hey, how’s it been?! Life’s been good. Just wanted to see how you’ve been. It’s been awhile, love you. 🙂

*send*

– texts from a restless soul, wrestling anxiety and depression

Loving Blind

Love is broke, love is poor, love is rich, love helps fix. Truth is love so you can keep the distance. Twisted perceptions with possession of positions. Find the difference between infatuations depiction. I know things ain’t right when what’s left is a broken heart. Amongst the stars striking me with art. Canvas of planets within the ocean of your iris. So let me be honest, study you like a subject. Drawing close to you as I brush away empty promises. Conversations written in finger prints. I touch your skin to read as I’m blinded by love….

Giving Up

To surrender and sacrifice shows not weakness at times but the ability to understand the change that must take place.

I gave up on the idea of perfection a short time ago. I have come to understand my differences. I have overcome my own struggles and faults to the point that I’ve allowed them to make me stronger. No human being will ever equate to being “good” or perfect because we all fall short in our imperfections. My perception twisted by what was showcased in the world and now broken down and restructured to the reality of who we are, who I am.

I gave up on the idea of love. I now love entirely. Knowing I am not just a piece of a half of someone, I now know I am whole. My relationships are deeply grounded in loving unconditionally with the promise of never wavering, no matter the cost. I commit and sacrifice due to the end result and not just a passing of feelings or emotions. My family and friends mean more to me than just people who are in my life, they are a part of my life. There is no fairy tale or notion of “the one”, there is two, two people who work together besides the differences and overcoming obstacles. Time and distance means nothing when your result is set by proper preparation and shaping, creating, the art that is love.

I gave up on the idea of control. Situations arise and the world will continue to rotate. People react differently to the things that transpire in their own lives. We are not rewarded by what we put out but the hard work reveals our determination or our actions bleed out the ill intentions and feeds the consequences, so I cannot believe in karma. People are beautiful in their own ways and so I find who they are but what is said and shown instead of shaping them to an image I set for them. The only sense of control is to control my passions, desires, ultimately myself; self control, so I am not ruled by my emotions for I ultimately determine my own thoughts and what shall come from them.

I gave up on the idea of being someone with a title or possession. My life is not determined by the school I’ve gone to, the degree. My story is not derived by how many exes I’ve had or if I’m in a relationship, single, etc. I don’t need to be seen as happy or successful in the world’s eyes. My identity is now found in Christ, as such, my joy as well.

I gave up on trying. I now do. I now am. I now live, love, grow, learn, teach, write, and much more.