Balanced Control

Maybe I should add a little more-my mind racing, awaiting the delicacy of desserts. I have forgotten at that moment that I’ve gained a few pounds.


We all kind of come to a halt when we hear that word. We are either the one in control or allow something in life to control us. We have those that claim fate has hold, some God, others, themselves. But do we really have such a thing as control? We do.

As a Christian, we are taught and learn that God has allowed us a spirit of self control. As We mature in life, those who may not believe, learn that life can only be controlled to an extent but for the most part, what happens in your own life can be altered by your choices.

We focus too much on the exterior of things. We try to control a future we are uncertain of, people who surround us and we love, or even large scale events. The reality is we desire things to work in our benefit. Instead of spending time in what we can control we need to truly find balance.

Yes, balance, just like the weights on your shoulder, the gravity or force on your life. This is in part a way to come to fully understanding what it means to have self control or in its truest essence, living life as one is intended.

You can debate for hours what you should do with your life tomorrow but what are you doing today? How or what are you doing? You say I have control of my life and then spend hours watching t.v., while still saying that others waste their time on video games. This is where balance comes into play. The question moves from how are you spending time to why. Why will I spend time doing something or can I? We are all at liberty to spend it as we want, don’t get me wrong, but will you do so and then regret.

We get depressed or anxious when things don’t go our way. We want to get married or be in a relationship, we want that new job, game, clothes, and etc. We desire to be happy as well and because ultimately we have no control we become disappointed and sad.

It is about balance. You will have some good days as well as bad days. I’m not saying there is a yin or yang to everything. Understand, when you find a center, find who you are, you can better balance your life. What will you accomplish if you spend all your time worrying or trying to control something?

I’ve spent a good portion of my life learning that it isnt about being 0 or 100, all in or out. It is true, you gibe it your all, but it is when the time is right or when you have prepared. Any general will tell you it is about strategy and preparation. Such is the case when you balance your life.

You won’t reach that mountain without properly seeing everything you need to overcome it. Exercise or take care of yourself, rest, train, in any area in life. In relationships, learn to be present and not focus too much on the past or future, be considerate and respect, you can only control what you put out not what comes at you, but you can determine what comes in you. This is ultimately self control, balanced and achievable.

You see your overweight and you want to change? Learn to adapt and build a way to get on a plan to exercise and eat better. Want to be happy? Then spend time getting to know what makes you happy not others or try to force happiness on you or become dependent on others. Be truly at peace with yourself in such a way that you are content but willing to change when needed. No one is perfect and time will constantly have us grow depending on what occurs around us.

My advice and something I am learning as well which I hope to continue to share the results such is all of this, find a balanced life. The risk takers are needed, yes, we are all the risk takers but we take it because we know the outcome. We pour too much weight on ourselves instead of learning to carry what we can not think we can. I tend to do that and my mental illnesses hit me like a truck. So I encourage everyone, see everyone side and where the scales too, Become balanced. Be blessed.


I usually see it from the other side but to all my gentleman. Keep being you. Don’t force any relationship or prove who you are. It is bad enough we are automatically seen as dogs. Continue to treat that lady with respect, keep who you are alive and let honesty shine. It isn’t your fault the woman may be insecure, think every guy is the same, think you can’t change, places you in a standard when they’re not even right, jump around and etc. There are still good men out there, only change if you know that woman can help you improve. Learn to pursue but only do so when you can see you both will move towards a future, together. Even if you’re single and etc. We are men. Kings. Let know one disrespect you but truly let your actions give meaning to who you are.


​I can Harley say that I’m not a joker. But owl see in court if my night wings can be stretched. Robin me with guns pointed yelling, Mr., Freeze. Cold to the touch and diving as a penguin to take the plunge. I’m riddled by the two faces I see. Dents made on hoods to restore shape upon clay faces. Such poison drawn. I Gotham all confused with puns written out to reflect the dark night. Let the light shine.

Answer Your Call

I once was looking for ways no longer held by broken promises. Scars of my past bleed again. As I faced dry eyes from the rivers of tears I used to drown in. But my Father kept calling to return back to Him. Folded pieces of peace pieced together to mend my soul. Ocean no longer keeping hold. Arms stretched to the Heaven’s. Reminisce as I place these memories buried in coffins. The evidence of what was witnessed. Watch me now drift away and disappear. Gone with the wind. Setting sail and letting the tide take time to new sights with new life. Find me in eternity, this life I shall not repeat. Father, these Last breaths drawn and the storms I embrace. Wash away the pain in waves and keep me in your grace. I answer your call.

Open Heart

​To love and be loved is truly the greatest reward.

I remember these words I write years ago. They now resonate within me and help me with my current transformation. I could feel it, another shift in my mental as I draw closer to God. 

My honesty and humbleness has now manifested beyond comprehension. I could feel the sense of truly wishing to help people but not just wishing but actually doing. I’ve also come to the realization of who I was. Before I knew who I was I would ignore the fact of the damage I had done. I would self loathe only to fall into depression. Yet, now, I wish to reveal who I truly am to others and noticing a vital problem. No one really knows me as I am now. 

I’ve hurt so many people in the past or had self interest that trust was lost. Even with this being said I also noticed how much time, distance truly separates people. I’ve been trying to connect with those I cared about and yet it seems to be difficult. It’s weird but I truly feel alone, though I have my family and few close friends. It’s like I’m reintroducing myself to most people. 

Remember the stories or the reputation I held? That was just a facade. It’s something I was told to do, create an identity to never truly be known. So you heard about the guy who was so quick to sleep around or out partying. Yet because of my past I learned to never embody myself to that which would distract my studies. Though I occasionally found myself under bottles or smoking to escape reality. Til I found that self control and being sober, facing my problems, brought me better benefits. 

I was a kid for the most part, thinking as a child and never understanding the world and how to embrace people. It was all about me. Yet God has been speaking to me. To follow him I must die daily. To love in such a way that nothing else will pour out from my heart. To be filled with his love that I seek no validation or pleasure from something else because he is enough. 

I can’t take back the words spoken or the actions but I can only be who he is making me to be. I don’t have to prove I’m changed. He tells me, Just love and be a light, an example. I will not be the same as before and to understand I am not of this world. Many who walk that path now that I used to be with can say I’ve grown “soft” but in reality I’ve grown strong. I invested too much on vain pursuits. 

I remember the nights wondering what was wrong with the world. We’ve become so cold as people. I would shut myself off and ignore everyone. Yet God stepped in. It was always my Father, showering me in his grace, always. For that I am beyond grateful. He continues to lead me away from that which is damaging to my being. Rest in me are the words written, cast all your anxieties on me… My identity is not found by what others say but in who I am in Christ. 

I’ve grown tired of these games I play with myself. One moment I’m happy and then I get triggered and fall to my own mental prison. I’m exhausted actually. Falling into the affairs of love in what the world declares it to be only to get hurt or hurt others. I’m more than that, I don’t believe in soulmates just in two people truly coming together and working through all odds, not in perfection but towards unity as a family and couple, loving beyond conditions, as intended. So I appear now as an old soul and I am not in a rush towards marriage as before. 

In essence, my heart is now open. Like if God was here with me performing open heart surgery and others can see my what lies in my heart. From the darkness of my past to who I am now. I am not my past. 

It’s funny actually, how I can discuss these things so openly now while years ago I would build walls and only those I let in would see beyond them. Or truly how a shift commenced by one person breaking through. 

My life is not my own. It is God’s, for him I live and breathe. I wish to share this love with others and the truth of who He is. I can’t explain it, I try to and yet it is beyond words. I know people will think it odd of me or even wonder what happened to Gee? I won’t keep explaining it, just grow with me. I’m sorry to all I’ve hurt and those who may not trust me now because of who I was, see me for who I am, now. 

I love you all, those that read my work, those that have seen my journey and walk with me. Life is truly amazing. And what I am trying to convey to all is that love truly is what life is about. Love with your all. Love at all times. Love and never give up on love, ever. Don’t be afraid to love and show your real emotions. Be blessed. This is Gee_ology aka Lucius, signing out.

Watching My Time

Broken hands with fingers interlocked looking for time. Dials trying to shine with light to give proper direction of purpose.  Calling back to days from the uncertainty of the night. Give me light as background glows to show a new age. Digital construct now moved by pixels of thoughts. Wind me up if I remain ticking or drained by the battery of my heart. Keep me clocked as I work in forward motion. Tracking seconds so watch which button is pushed. Let me be held with a gaze or on wrists and begin again a new day.

No more

No more. I will not live in such a way. I have control. I can do this. I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I am not my OCD. I am not my past and I will not worry about my future. I am here, now, alive. No more. I will not be a slave to pills to help me sleep. I will not find answers in the bottom of a bottle. It’s going to be ok. I’m going to be ok. It’s ok to feel but please, don’t let it consume you. You can do this. I can do this. No more. I will not be a slave and prisoner of my mind. Happiness is a state of just being not something sought. God, family, friends. Write, draw, sing, rap, perform. Repeat it in your head. Let it burn into your soul. No more. I am free. I have control. It’s going to be ok. Smile more. Laugh. Love. Speak. Learn. Grow. You can do this. No more. Shine as you were intended. No matter what. No more. Live life, truly live. Truly love. You were made to be different. Lead. Teach. Walk. Run. I am not alone. Never alone. His love fills my soul. No more. Breathe. Breathe. No more. I am a new creation. Forgive me. I’m sorry. Let me reveal who I was meant to be, I surrender it all.


​Such beauty as the heavens. Diving the oceans of your eyes. Hold me in thought, where time is no more. Waves upon a weary soul soothed by your being. Shining surface of gold bestowed on the sands of our genesis. Calming fire engulfing me, keeping me ablaze. Reborn as supernova made a star coming alive. Escaping black holes of darkness seeking my destiny. Find me in orbit admiring grand design. An epic written in tales of old, now creating history. If I fade will I be a never-ending memory?  Passing light I feel your warmth, bury me in your embrace. Keep me close and eternity shall greet us for you are home.

Tales of Time

I found myself preaching to my employee, it was not something I intended but I just began to speak and give wisdom. She believes I have no emotion half the time but I was upfront with life. It is not that I have no emotions or am super quiet at times. I’m just observant. I prefer to do things or say things that are necessary. Sometimes I go off on rants but for the most part, when I speak, I intend to teach or give sound advice. But it went as follows:

Life isn’t really short, it is timed by people. We need to do this or that, or so they say, by x amount of time. Yet time is but a fabrication of man to measure their existence or the chemical structure, laws, in place in the universe as progression through decay or degradation, basic science. Things have a beginning and because of what is around, can cause it to end based on environment or make up. So then, why do we worry so much about this? Time.

We are always in a rush and in the end we all die. We waste our time on getting money only to see money fades away or is given to another. I’ve been at a place where I’ve had enough and I’ve experienced having nothing. For me, the true value is not what you spend time on but how. People and self growth, love, this is what truly is of value to me. I will not let my life be surrounded in a focus towards myself or how others can commit to me.

I am but a speck in this universe and though i know my time is not certain, I will not worry what i have left to do but truly just live life, here, now, and enjoy it with those who truly matter and what I love to do. I will not apologize for who I am and no one should either. That is why I know i live for God, for eternity. This Earth will fade and I have faith I will walk with him. He has shown me life everlasting, that is why I will endure this world for this is not my home. And I was made for so much more.