To love and be loved is truly the greatest reward.
I remember these words I write years ago. They now resonate within me and help me with my current transformation. I could feel it, another shift in my mental as I draw closer to God.
My honesty and humbleness has now manifested beyond comprehension. I could feel the sense of truly wishing to help people but not just wishing but actually doing. I’ve also come to the realization of who I was. Before I knew who I was I would ignore the fact of the damage I had done. I would self loathe only to fall into depression. Yet, now, I wish to reveal who I truly am to others and noticing a vital problem. No one really knows me as I am now.
I’ve hurt so many people in the past or had self interest that trust was lost. Even with this being said I also noticed how much time, distance truly separates people. I’ve been trying to connect with those I cared about and yet it seems to be difficult. It’s weird but I truly feel alone, though I have my family and few close friends. It’s like I’m reintroducing myself to most people.
Remember the stories or the reputation I held? That was just a facade. It’s something I was told to do, create an identity to never truly be known. So you heard about the guy who was so quick to sleep around or out partying. Yet because of my past I learned to never embody myself to that which would distract my studies. Though I occasionally found myself under bottles or smoking to escape reality. Til I found that self control and being sober, facing my problems, brought me better benefits.
I was a kid for the most part, thinking as a child and never understanding the world and how to embrace people. It was all about me. Yet God has been speaking to me. To follow him I must die daily. To love in such a way that nothing else will pour out from my heart. To be filled with his love that I seek no validation or pleasure from something else because he is enough.
I can’t take back the words spoken or the actions but I can only be who he is making me to be. I don’t have to prove I’m changed. He tells me, Just love and be a light, an example. I will not be the same as before and to understand I am not of this world. Many who walk that path now that I used to be with can say I’ve grown “soft” but in reality I’ve grown strong. I invested too much on vain pursuits.
I remember the nights wondering what was wrong with the world. We’ve become so cold as people. I would shut myself off and ignore everyone. Yet God stepped in. It was always my Father, showering me in his grace, always. For that I am beyond grateful. He continues to lead me away from that which is damaging to my being. Rest in me are the words written, cast all your anxieties on me… My identity is not found by what others say but in who I am in Christ.
I’ve grown tired of these games I play with myself. One moment I’m happy and then I get triggered and fall to my own mental prison. I’m exhausted actually. Falling into the affairs of love in what the world declares it to be only to get hurt or hurt others. I’m more than that, I don’t believe in soulmates just in two people truly coming together and working through all odds, not in perfection but towards unity as a family and couple, loving beyond conditions, as intended. So I appear now as an old soul and I am not in a rush towards marriage as before.
In essence, my heart is now open. Like if God was here with me performing open heart surgery and others can see my what lies in my heart. From the darkness of my past to who I am now. I am not my past.
It’s funny actually, how I can discuss these things so openly now while years ago I would build walls and only those I let in would see beyond them. Or truly how a shift commenced by one person breaking through.
My life is not my own. It is God’s, for him I live and breathe. I wish to share this love with others and the truth of who He is. I can’t explain it, I try to and yet it is beyond words. I know people will think it odd of me or even wonder what happened to Gee? I won’t keep explaining it, just grow with me. I’m sorry to all I’ve hurt and those who may not trust me now because of who I was, see me for who I am, now.
I love you all, those that read my work, those that have seen my journey and walk with me. Life is truly amazing. And what I am trying to convey to all is that love truly is what life is about. Love with your all. Love at all times. Love and never give up on love, ever. Don’t be afraid to love and show your real emotions. Be blessed. This is Gee_ology aka Lucius, signing out.