I’m a perfectly imperfect person searching for purpose and driven in service. I have no shame in who I am. I actually am confident and if I don’t like something, I change it. I’m as raw and honest as you’ll ever see. I didn’t understand that before but now I do. It’s good being me because in the end I’m too unique and there is only one of me. I don’t need to be someone else or wish to be them. I prefer my random, goofy, wise self. If you can’t accept me, then don’t act like it. I’m not here to impress people but shine and be the King I was meant to be. I have a good and bad side but I hope you can see beyond that. To love, live, share, teach, and lead in truth. I may be known as different names but I’m still me. I am Gee a.k.a Lucius.
Live with no regrets.
I don’t know who stated this quote. I could spend a few minutes researching it but I just want to write what is going on through my mind. A lot of things can happen in the span of a few hours.
I can’t fully explain what happens when depression strikes. It is a feeling of nothingness while you feel yourself sinking in an ocean. The waves hit you and after a moment, you don’t fight the waves any more.
I found myself looking back at old pictures and even managed to track the tags of my old Tumblr account. Believe it or not but before I started on wordpress or even formulated the concept of a blog, that was my place of escape. I read through the mind of a young man who was so focused on love and was indeed in love. During those days I was with my ex and it made me think about things in a different perspective. Did I really know myself?
The question I asked myself sent shivers through my spine. It is not surprising how I would say that I was narcissistic before or even how I preferred to manipulate people. I hated that about myself and though I understand the lessons learned, I have found that I do regret.
It isn’t solely on how I treated people. Before anyone thinks this is me not moving on from my ex, yes I loved her, she was my first true love and I can honestly say a part of me loves her still, but this goes beyond that. I regret the choices I made because another quote marks my heart.
“You will regret not starting a year ago”.
I could hear the words as I tap on the screen of my phone. Like a typewriter or keyboard, I prefer to hear the tapping of the keys as I’m writing an article, story, and etc. I regret not having the mentality I have now to who I was. It isn’t about wondering and contemplating, living in the past, though depression causes that; I find myself angry at not realizing the lessons sooner.
There is a time and place for everything as scripture describes. I understand that. I will one day get married and continue on in my life. I will never have it all “together”. I will fail. I will rise. These are the lessons you learn in life. I just wish I knew them sooner.
Twisted, wicked depictions creating friction. Illustrations of an image battling seasons. Articulate and face the great has never been. I’m no longer Aladdin seeking Jasmine. A carpet muncher hitting pots to find my joint. Flying higher to watch my genie wish me gold coins. Shadow has been laid to sleep. I don’t intend to keep the peace. Allow me to show y’all ladies respect. While Pokemen just want to stick and poke, no jokes. But watch as I speak in code. Ketchum ashes to pikachu, seeing their balls bounce in one’s and 2s. Holding up to control and master, pressing down B’s. Though they cheat cause they’ve become game sharks. But this isn’t a game boy. It’s not about catching them all, collectibles you toy. I keep the good book as my guide. Even though y’all think it’s foolish it’s become a light. I nintendo show the power that the dreamscast. Game over.
Life becomes too complicated chasing 100 grand. So we beat ourselves with clubs blowing all we earn because we bottle our emotions. Sipping and lured by the hooks of open legs. While our kids asking and looking to be tucked in beds. Awakening to another person every week or month. Then we ask ourselves we going to make this bread. Sour doughs we’ve lost the desire to put in work. No commitments but stuck in the ideas of love, confused into thinking it’s lust. Yet I’m trying to make sense, create change. Stuck in American dreams while the average American realizes they hardly sleep. Keeping the lights on or water running. Still, we entertain ourselves. Allowing the screens shift the direction of life so in turn we miss. Mental prisons now seen as the norm. But who am I to speak? So you ask. A 26 year old afflicted, conflicted citizen resisting the addiction, the system. Working 9 to 5 to pass by life thinking before he would die by 25. Rushing time as if I could exceed my limitations. Writing intricate poetry and art with each brush stroke in the oceans of emotions. Known before as the shadow. Lurking and searching the purpose amidst the darkness. What can be said that I haven’t experienced. A man once broken and now restored. Imperfections soaring as memories long past. Reciting my testimony and thoughts to help bring a cause to affect the state we’re in. Let me bleed using poetry.
By the time you read this, I will be dead. A story still written though finds its end. A passing memory of yesterday. I am ever changing and must put to death my history. Yet would you care about who I was or hold emotions as an act to play a part of my heart. A piece given to all I love yet your words hold no shelter. Your body acts as a way to keep warm but your exterior reveals the cold shell. So quick to respond now as my parting words reveal I would never be seen or heard from again. Yet it is not my soul that dies but this vessel that has held the pressure and tides in times of trouble.
My last will, What would it be? I thought about opening this up with a poem. It is to give insight into what I commonly see amongst people who pass away. It makes me wonder what would happen if someone was to come across my journal. All secrets and thoughts written out and shown to the world. Peeled layers far deeper than my blog posts. In itself, my journal is who I am in the rawest of forms. Yet, can I just state what comes to mind in my head right now? What would be the parting words to those I love or just someone in the future. At times I think about my journal one day being used as was Anne Frank or the known authors of the past. So I will write as if these were my parting words:
What can be said about life? Laid out by men and women who claim to have things in order and find themselves lost trying to organize their life in schedules. What should I leave in my stead but a message to all, not just thoughs that I hold dear.
Time cannot be rushed or forgotten but presently used and lived upon. Learn to breathe. That job isn’t going anywhere or the world is suddenly going to stop spinning. Learn to accept the passing times and embrace the coming future but don’t spend your time worrying about either.
Love, never to be mistaken for lust, transcends all notions of men. Love is beyond time and beyond any complications. If you find it, hold dear to it, to them. Their will always be one. Though it may be written as if it is a fantasy, true love at times may appear as a tragedy. Forever is marked as an eternal promise and yet you never truly know when it will end. But this does not mean you surrender to your doubts or what others tell you. Love, fight for it because true love is action and ultimately a sacrifice. Never spend your time in torment wondering what ifs when your love is waiting. We are plagued by what to do and how to act and all I can say is to reveal your heart. If It is not returned then learn to have self respect, respect the other, and learn your value as well. There is not “the one” except for that person you are with or cannot see yourself live without, at times it can be in the form of a friendship. I have loved and honestly, one needs to grow first and love one’s self before you involve another. Even so, another will not grant you happiness, nor are they entitled to give you anything.
Dreams are just that. Awake to the reality that you must pursue what you envision, the goals you set. Never set a big goal and expect to accomplish it right away. Divide it or see it as steps and learn to walk up those steps and grow along the process.
God ultimately will be by your side even during your dying breath. Even if you don’t believe in Him. He shall always be beside you and help you along the way, trying to guide you to become a better version of yourself.
I leave you all with this, remember me not for who I was trying to be but who I was, who I became. My actions reveal my heart and my words reveal my thoughts.
Now. With that being all written out I hooe to have people ponder about life. These aren’t subjects I’ve ignored but what I discuss frequently to help others understand and for now I seem to go by seasons or lessons. I am not dying physically or planning to die, I am dying mentally though. Who I am today will die when it becomes tomorrow. I won’t stop changing.
You’re not a typical Christian. Believe it or not, this is what I hear or read when I talk to various people. My response is usually a question which is, how is a Christian supposed it be? People usually respond with something they have heard or read once somewhere but never truly what is completely revealed in scripture, by my experience.
We’re in the holiday seasons now. This all indicates the same questions get asked of me: why don’t you celebrate holidays? See it is something to take note by what Paul described about observing days, as well as food (Galatians 4:8-10) (Colossians 2:16). For myself, it is just a day, another day to be thankful for as well as another day that is of the Lord’s. It is good that people take the time and prepare, etc on a certain day in commemeration or celebration, but don’t let it ensnare you as well. Usually what I see is that after the day, people turn away from God or grow distant as if they accomplished their task. This is all as Christians, those in the faith.
I get asked as well in regards to holidays being pagan and believe me from doing massive amounts of research, mostly all are pagan holidays. Scripture does say to beware and not follow in the same customs or traditions as the pagan. (Jeremiah 10:1-4) (Deuteronomy 12:29-32) But also understand as Paul describes in Romans 14, “it is to each of his conscience, conviced in his mind, giving glory to the Lord” some will be “weak” in the faith and see certain things differently, it is not our job to judge as he describes. Reality is, you will see most professing Christians celebrating holidays, but I cannot stop them, only teach what scripture shares. For myself, I see it all for God.
Now this also comes to shock to some by how I live. I enjoy music, love anything that inspires me and encourages me, speaks truth and etc. I’ve heard debates about people saying that I can’t listen to secular music. It is interesting when they say stuff like this. I remember a comment on Lecrae’s recent album, a guys claimed Lecrae sold out because he said Jesus 3 times in his album. I laughed for a moment and then followed by explaining the references to scripture, the context, as well as using music or your talent for the direction to lead and encourage others. That is the calling and command, to sing psalms and hymns, songs to one another, help one another as well use your gifts and give him glory. While I can enjoy an artist using his/her gifts, given by God. Now of course I will not entertain anything that will tempt me into temptation or allow me to bask in sin.
The reality is we have misunderstood when scripture says, “Do everything for the glory of God”. We wake up, brush our teeth, work and etc, and we hear pastors or “Christians” say things like, you have to do this or that to really be Christian. Christianity is not religion but a relationship with God. We do everything, true, and in all we do it is to glorify Him. It is the manner or attitude we do it, not to prove something but truly our fruits shall bear witness. How we love people, how we speak and what we do. When we are spouting judgment or act like we are rebuking let us first rebuke ourselves and check our intentions. Is it really to help someone truly in sin or to reveal we are “holier than thou”.
I actually get that a lot, for example when I am discuss music as well as words. I’m a writer. I can use words in its proper context and yet people become heated saying to watch my mouth. Which I then correct by saying that their response in such a tone and even intention was what was in error. Take for example saying something like, “Damn, Satan, why do you tempt me?” People would go eyes buldged like he said the word damn. They would say I was a hypocrite and that I am lost and etc. But notice their response, claiming I am lost or judging me, it is good to correct but then again, are you following religion or God? Obedience is necessary, true, but as well, let us come to reason in maturity as well. Words used correctly and incorrectly have a big impact. Jesus would state the gravity of certain things, looking at anothers wife and etc. Such it can be with words as well, for what purpose or what meaning does it fall under?
Being Christian is, in reality, not intended to be easy. We are imperfect people and Yet we rejoice in Christ, born again and are transformed daily by the Spirit. There are moments of doubt and at rimes where we fail but Christ’s finish work rests upon the promise of the Spirit residing in us. With the substitute being himself he has allowed us to come before the Father and have a relationship, to know and be known by God. So yes, I’m not your “typical Christian”. I believe strongly in following the word and abiding to His truth, allowing the Spirit to change me and bear the image of Christ. What I do can be seen and what I say can be heard but if I fall short I know it is made complete and finished in He who died for me. His resurrection superseding death and allowing me life anew, because of this I go unto the world and recite the Gospel, create disciples and teach. I was raised in the church but was not a Christian til my heart was convicted, I was not a Christian til I repented and was Born Again, with the Spirit making me His temple. If I speak now it is being bold in He who I give all glory. Be blessed all.
Breathe. It can seem simple, doesn’t it, allowing yourself to just pause for a moment and allow the air to fill your lungs. We don’t even notice it honestly. When was the last time you noticed You were breathing or even blinking for that matter? We think of it as nothing and yet never notice it unless made aware. Such it is with life, our own, we live and act life it is all not worth it, unless we are doing what we desire.
It’s not real. The world we have created within ourr own digital scope. I can’t remember the last time I had a full decent conversation without someone looking down at their phone. I am like that as well, looking for an artwork, my latest book idea, and etc. Even seeing the posts made before of people. You can’t actually smell, taste or experience it for yourself but we enjoy the 2 dimensional thumbnail as we scroll. We enjoy reading the status or posts. This is just how the world has transformed into, we can only blame ourselves for allowing the corporations to have done this to us.
I’m not writing to start a digital revolution or even create an awakening. I’ve been reflecting on the reason I write and why. I ask myself are my articles or posts even exciting? I’m not promoting myself in all these avenues or mediums and honestly, in my honest opinion, I don’t want to “engage” in what I’m recommnded to have my blog grow. I don’t need nor desire a big following. You liked what you read and wish to share it, I thank you, there really is no pressure. I am also not stupid and know that today isn’t like yesterday, change is necessary but I also will never become someone I am not.
There is the big revelation. I will not become someone I am not. For years I’ve debated with myself and have established a facade within my narcissism that discovering myself as of late reveals that j never truly knew myself. Imagine waking up and realizing you’ve been living someone else’s life or that you felt as if all was a dream. This is how I feel. Who I was or even what I did before, that wasn’t me, or better yet, it was who I know now, had to learn.
Life is what you make it to be and I’ve faced choices which will forever mark me. I cannot change them and though I value people I also value myself as well. I cannot force another to be a part of my life or see who I truly am now. But it isn’t my job to be accepted but simply to just be me. To enjoy who I am and share that with others not expecting a reaction, I should be proud of how far I’ve come. Time is in motion and I appreciate the little time I have now. So let’s face the music now and with complete honesty, I rather just be me, the me that God continues to shape.