Struggling Mind

Let’s take time to acknowledge the fact that mental disorders aren’t a new trend. I hear the terms being thrown as if it was a joke, like “omg, I’m so bipolar…I’m depressed…”. There are moments we can joke about some things but do not diminish or forget how serious it can be.

Being someone who fights depression and anxiety daily, it isn’t a walk in the park. You don’t just walk outside and say, “I won’t be depressed today..”. People are suicidal, schizophrenic, mpd, ptsd, etc. As much as we help those who go through physical illnesses we also need to support those with mental ones. I remember hearing a quote that I can’t recall who said it, “If your mind is not whole, your body can suffer.”. There can be those who struggle with these things without anyone noticing. It is ok to speak to someone about it, you’re not alone.

I can be vocal about it because though I endure it, I am not them (my disorder, depression, etc), it does not ultimately define me. We can get mad at certain things or people, but what we can do is help them get the help they need. It is not a weakness if you need to see someone about what you have or take something for it. We’re human and even if, for example, myself, being a Christian, we act like we can reach perfection. No, we will fail and go through things, A.W. Tozer was an influential preacher who suffered from severe depression. It is true we find comfort and peace in God, as humans though we will still struggle with our daily lives and state we’re in.

You are all beautiful and strong, keep hanging on brothers and sisters, do not be afraid.

Keep Me

Worrying which wish will weather weathers, we will wrestle with wondering worth. Greatest gift graciously given. Speaking seasons sweetly seasoned shown seeping seeds spoken. High Holy hands helping helpless humans. I will never excuse this vision or where I step. Escaping death while my faith takes tests. My God is the light of my life. New sights no longer held by time. Keep me eternal, keep me close. Keep me from losing my worth, losing my soul. Without you there is no reason for being. Allow me to reflect and bear the image of Jesus. And though you keep me company, lead me to your will. A woman so invested in you that I won’t slip from spills. I don’t need a power trip, my vacation is not found in external bliss. Keep me and lead me in your ways. Passing past pastures purposely pursuing purpose. Crossing crosses crossed, crucified Christ, creating creations. I fear God, no man. I’m thankful for another day, under your grace. The sacrifice you made, humbled and blessed. It is all for your name. Keep me.

In Name Only

Don’t just think I speak truth, watch my actions. Though I may have it written that I’m saved on status’s, it doesn’t mean I’m born again. If I speak boasting myself and say It’s from God, my fruits are rotten. Torn down by disease, my nature slowly eating me within. But I’ll occasionally post pictures of highlighted texts to show you I liked the passages. The message never delivered but because I hear it every Sunday, I guess it’s the same. Remember, it’s in my bio, I also have an app that sends me verses. Check off my religion as Christian. Are you sure my truth would stand in a court of law? Maybe of man but not in God’s. Though I would prefer to judge others outside the church than see my own flaws. Saying I believe while I blame Him when I can’t count my blessings. Lessons never learned as I crawl through the Earth. I prefer the taste of dirt than that of Heaven. Just because I may carry the good book it doesn’t mean I follow its words. Still trying to find a way because He never knew me in the last day. Still, you can call me a Christian but that doesn’t mean I am one. It’s in name only.

Changed Life

There comes a point in your life when you realize you aren’t OK. It’s actually a mystery to me, even though it continuously happens to me. It isn’t really any self discovery or hidden, profound vision revealed. You just know, everything around you, who you are, it feels out of place. The reality is we are scared of change.

I’m a 26 year old man. I’m not married, I don’t have kids, I prefer not to drink anymore or entertain drugs, I don’t party, consider myself Christian and even with my mental unstable tendencies, I’m genuinely happy, apart from a usual episode. One could stereotype me though I fall into no category, a wild card. A Dominican who’s also Asian. I myself have always longed for control. I would talk about the past to reveal my place in the present, as if that gained me the right to manipulate others and build my own future.

I honestly don’t know what tomorrow will hold. I’ve lost friends and lived past dreams I once thought would be seen reality. 26 years, wow, it makes you wonder. Time flies past us so quick. We worry about days and yet when we blink it is as if the problems of yesterday don’t compare to today’s. We get so caught up wanting some things to stay the same that we don’t grow. I could say that I’m living on borrowed time, I once believed I wasn’t going to see 25. Yet time is not mine to have or hold. Time comes and goes and when we can’t move alongside it, we become stuck. This is one of the biggest inspirations of my book, Kairos.

There will always be moments in our lives that define us but they do not determine the outcome. My past will never dictate who I am today. This is something God has revealed to me. Change is necessary, change will hurt. When you finally get up off that couch and find purpose. We always say we don’t do it for others but ourselves, I’m here to tell you that’s not all true. “3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

As I sat down and watched the episodes of the Flash and Black Lightning, something triggered within me again. These heroes we see on tv, though fantasy, hold a significant message, it is more than just us. True love breeds sacrifice.

We can be selfish and indulge in what we truly desire, we can long for what, who we truly want but is it what we need? There are times where we learn our self worth, I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m saying it isn’t enough. We will constantly fail. We can chase after grand things, be famous people, reminisce memories, but we will come to realize the truth. Change is not some grand transformation, it is living, truly being alive. Being unafraid of what you truly feel, finding you need to put in those extra hours to feed your kids and not go clubbing, it is dropping that bottle to see the damage your doing and embracing the pain to grow, it is ultimately facing reality and surviving.

I could recommend some fancy words or a ten step program, I could give you motivational books, I could also tell you that you need to find the answers yourself. The truth is, we are lost and need a guide. I could tell you I found true change in God, even if mocked or seen as foolish. But from all the theories and notions of who I envisioned and claimed I changed into, I was never truly changed til I saw my life was being wasted apart from Him. I cannot ultimately tell everyone what to do in life, all I know is we are scared to change, even if we claim we’re transcending, evolving, we are just returning to our nature which is of a sinful one, one where death reigns. For me, I rather change because I know life is more than this or myself.

Love Blossoms

Find me rooted and grown in love. Rising once again to touch the heavens. Let not my bliss detour your notion that I am not grounded. My branches stretch out reaching a connection. Though my leaves meet the fall, it is in love. I can weather the storms. Find my bark speak louder than my touch but if you feel my rough edges do not blow me away. I may topple but I’ve grown to such height, my life is more than a vapor; Connected to nature yet I am free. The wild is not my home, though I may be uprooted from my own. Love lives within and overflows; the seeds carried as a message. Love forever blossoms.

Calm

Passing rain, cover me in your embrace.

Let the waters rise and drown sorrows.

Find my thoughts dwelling in the deep.

Swimming to surfaces guided by piercing rays.

Waves carrying me to shore; keep me afloat.

Let the sun now bask me in its warmth.

Time knowing no end as hands touch shifting sand.

Grounded to reality.

The calm after the storm.

You Are Gold.

Don’t fear failure. You can always desire for the results or focus on the outcome. What you forget is what or how you will get to where you want to be. Learn and embrace your mistakes, your failure, because then you will truly grow. There will be many times you fall but guess what? You shall rise again as scripture speaks about, that a righteous man can fall seven times but rises again (Proverbs 24:16).

Your faith is in the certainty of who God is making you to be, not who you are already, you’re a work in progress. “Authentic faith is not believing in God but believing God. Taking God and His word and obediently following Him, Regardless of the outcome…”- Art Azurdia.

Remember that though you participate in this world set your mind in what is above. Remember His promises and know that you have been set apart, loved, and led to a new life, in Him, with Him, through Him, for Him. God allows you to grow by burning and building on your weaknesses, testing your faith like gold through fire (1 Peter 1:7). Jesus said, “It is finished”, as well as saying, “follow me”, trust in God and grow as you live, work and let your faith be built on a firm foundation. You are gold.

Proof Beyond Reason

Might have briefly mentioned this before but I am a co-host of a podcast. We just started doing Facebook live and got more engaged in the social media spectrum. Yes, I know, those of you may be wondering how can I involve myself more if I’m not that fond of it.

Truth of the matter is that we are in a new age and as long as you don’t become addicted to it or focus specifically on the brand, pride, you are good. Our mission is to tackle or discuss topics that are not really spoken about in the church, culture, and etc. We of course use a biblical worldview but in the end our message is to share the Gospel and help others get closer to God.

You can check us out on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and soon we will have our own website. Come and join us. Proof Beyond Reason.

Disputing Time


Why must I continue to count up or wonder if it’s coming up? Like what is it? If it goes up then why must I worry about it going down? Is it because it shall reveal what ends?  The preparations complete or revealing that I don’t have enough? was it wasted? Maybe I should take better care of it but is it really mine to hold? Perplexed, though I retrack statements to measure the weight it holds. How long should I explain?  Should I keep it short? When can I simply say I’ve had enough or desire more?  Digits calculated to explain the passing years; you could honestly say my days are numbered. But we watch watches wondering when we willingly will win. Yet we concede to the flow or stream,  allowing it to define the lines we wait for. I wrestle with the shadows display as days are set by sun.  Hands moving in circles ignoring the dropping sands burying my existence in history. Orbit in system in order of rotation spiraling since the Genesis. Bring me revelation with Z’s or in Greek, the omega. Presenting presents so I can now say it’s past when I later arrive. Before,  I actually clarified,  such a paradox is it not? I guess this is why I now walk and let it pass by,  valuing it,  but sometimes I forget and while I’m here,  I’m disputing time.