Changed Life

There comes a point in your life when you realize you aren’t OK. It’s actually a mystery to me, even though it continuously happens to me. It isn’t really any self discovery or hidden, profound vision revealed. You just know, everything around you, who you are, it feels out of place. The reality is we are scared of change.

I’m a 26 year old man. I’m not married, I don’t have kids, I prefer not to drink anymore or entertain drugs, I don’t party, consider myself Christian and even with my mental unstable tendencies, I’m genuinely happy, apart from a usual episode. One could stereotype me though I fall into no category, a wild card. A Dominican who’s also Asian. I myself have always longed for control. I would talk about the past to reveal my place in the present, as if that gained me the right to manipulate others and build my own future.

I honestly don’t know what tomorrow will hold. I’ve lost friends and lived past dreams I once thought would be seen reality. 26 years, wow, it makes you wonder. Time flies past us so quick. We worry about days and yet when we blink it is as if the problems of yesterday don’t compare to today’s. We get so caught up wanting some things to stay the same that we don’t grow. I could say that I’m living on borrowed time, I once believed I wasn’t going to see 25. Yet time is not mine to have or hold. Time comes and goes and when we can’t move alongside it, we become stuck. This is one of the biggest inspirations of my book, Kairos.

There will always be moments in our lives that define us but they do not determine the outcome. My past will never dictate who I am today. This is something God has revealed to me. Change is necessary, change will hurt. When you finally get up off that couch and find purpose. We always say we don’t do it for others but ourselves, I’m here to tell you that’s not all true. “3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

As I sat down and watched the episodes of the Flash and Black Lightning, something triggered within me again. These heroes we see on tv, though fantasy, hold a significant message, it is more than just us. True love breeds sacrifice.

We can be selfish and indulge in what we truly desire, we can long for what, who we truly want but is it what we need? There are times where we learn our self worth, I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m saying it isn’t enough. We will constantly fail. We can chase after grand things, be famous people, reminisce memories, but we will come to realize the truth. Change is not some grand transformation, it is living, truly being alive. Being unafraid of what you truly feel, finding you need to put in those extra hours to feed your kids and not go clubbing, it is dropping that bottle to see the damage your doing and embracing the pain to grow, it is ultimately facing reality and surviving.

I could recommend some fancy words or a ten step program, I could give you motivational books, I could also tell you that you need to find the answers yourself. The truth is, we are lost and need a guide. I could tell you I found true change in God, even if mocked or seen as foolish. But from all the theories and notions of who I envisioned and claimed I changed into, I was never truly changed til I saw my life was being wasted apart from Him. I cannot ultimately tell everyone what to do in life, all I know is we are scared to change, even if we claim we’re transcending, evolving, we are just returning to our nature which is of a sinful one, one where death reigns. For me, I rather change because I know life is more than this or myself.

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