Surviving Happiness

We no longer know what happiness is.

I am right now laying on my bed and wondering what it means to be happy. I remember when it was 2 years ago and I wrote an article about how happiness is a state of mind. Yet to answer the question or even if I was to ask someone, why are you not happy, it would be difficult to answer.

I’ve been in the shoes where you feel as if life is filled with misery and sadness. The reality is that most of the times it just feels like there is a lot to take in. We spend our lives doing so much or feel like we are not doing enough. The world continues to plague us with either version and we let it affect it and blindly follow the lies with things that would try to fill the void. Some try to find it by building a connection to another person who is just the same as we are, others try to fill it with a sense of purpose and so they seek religion, a hobby, a sport, and etc. All throughout life, we try to interpret what it means to be happy and once we have a grasp of it and allow it to fill us when we return to the state from which we arrived in, we begin to look again. Some can say that they hold strongly to some sense of it and never let go, others spend their lives “fighting their demons”.

I have recently found myself in a constant state of uneasiness. It is not that I am not happy, it is more so, I am awaiting the wrecking ball that usually plagues my life, when will the happiness end.

I’m tired.

I have seen my life gone through its own version of hell from left to right without it ever ceasing and yet I continue to push through. There are days where I see my life continue in autopilot and yet I remain, smiling and acting like all is fine in the world. We try to cover up the fact at times that we are all just trying to survive and make it through at least one more day. We are never truly honest with others and those closest to us we merely share that we are “good”. Why are we so distant to one another when yet life is so short?

I cannot account for others but I do know that my life continues and no matter what thoughts may flourish, I try to hold on to what I have before me. I can spend my time worrying but to what avail. Happiness is a never-ending pursuit and the reality is that I no longer wish to just be happy.

I want to to be sad. I want to be mad. I want to rejoice. I want to be surprised. I want it all because the reality and in my complete honesty, it is what makes me who I am today, I am human.

Happiness is a drug that we become addicted to and through the optimism, we forgot everything else that allows us to share in the suffering with others, be empathetic, and etc so we could come together and understand one another.

I am willing to endure any pain. I am willing to endure life. It may get hard and there are times where I want to give up even but I know that there is much to live for still. There is much to love and even there is a time to be in love, even just that is worth fighting for. I am here, now, and though I may disappear or pass tomorrow. Today was worth fighting for and that is what makes me happy, I made it through today.

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