Staring at my screen in the early hours of 2 am seems to be a common thing. Reality creeps in and plagues my mind with infinite tales. My depression and anxiety to come to keep me company. I am once again caught in the moments where life seems to freeze.
What am I doing?
I remember looking back at all the moments I thought I was never going to make it. The moments that come racing in my mind of times where I thought I was stuck. Now, in the early morning, I read articles, find the motivation to keep going.
I’m not as skilled as most bloggers, will never fully equate myself as a skilled writer. There are many things I should learn and things I need to do better. I feel stuck for the most part doing a job I rather not do because I have to pay bills. I am in a situation where I wish I could do more or find more time and just feel imprisoned. I would think or more so, I see that people feel the same way.
I read about how you have to have a hunger and chase after what you want. 2 years into writing, I have written 2 books I wish to fully publish. I have poems for days I want to compile. I have this blog that I pour my all too for those willing to share. Yet the question arises, am I doing as much as I’m supposed to?
People keep saying that if I don’t see results in not really chasing after what I want. They say that I don’t have that degree because I didn’t really want it. People don’t see the reality of things, I was homeless, I had to forget about college and work crazy hours to support my family financially. I didn’t discover my love for writing til 3 years ago and that was because I was working myself to death. Even now, working still, a job I rather not, finding time to squeeze to go back to school, I ask, what else should I do?
I have more than enough passion, the hunger people say you should have. Everything is so critically judged that if it isn’t life changing in today’s standards it is diminished. People don’t want to read long drawn out articles or anything that requires you to look at letters on a screen for more than 5 minutes. Time has changed and as the world continues to, I wonder, where will I fall?
I believe that no matter what one may be going through, I feel like people will continue to pursue their dreams, only if they don’t become consumed by reality. You could in fact chase after that standard of life of getting by rather than struggling to survive while being happy. The world requires you to earn more than is needed while sacrificing your goals it would seem. I heard today a group of people discussing how they rather earn more than do something they really want to do. I’ve been on that path, trying to not have to worry, but the reality is that I’ve been struggling since birth.
I may not be the best writer, frankly, I don’t believe myself to be. One thing I do know is that I will continue to write because I love doing it and will die doing it. I’m not blaming society or my past, I’m only trying to reveal that even though it is difficult, you never give up, one day I hope to see my name on the cover of a book on a shelf and people rushing to read my work. Until that day comes about, you can find me on here. I am gee_ology.