Obsessive Living

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They never warned me how my life would be living with OCD. You would think a warning sign would be placed before my exit out of the womb. This way to a lifetime of instability mentally! I feel like that is the huge welcome I should have received. But I guess you could say that I missed it, I was, in fact, sleeping during birth and the doctor had to spank me awake, or so I’m told.

I’m now a 27-year-old man, well into my adult years and still managing to cope with what they call a disability, OCD. The truth is that I never thought OCD was a disability until I was applying for jobs and saw it was an option. To think, all these years I’ve been struggling with this and never truly knew what it was until a few years out of tech school.

When I was a child my mother fought with doctors over my inability to focus. The doctors thought I had ADHD, so in turn, my mother argued and said that I was just advanced for my age. She enrolled me into school about a year early and I was easily adapting to classes. I learned quickly, I was actually organizing and working things in my head, bringing “order”. Pride mixed with control and in turn created a sense of order and balance, yet I was still unaware. Depression would peak or anxiety when situations plagued my mind in constant thought. Still, I had no idea what was happening. The worst yet was to be made aware, the images and thoughts of sex and violence stormed at every second. I thought I wasn’t normal.

I’ve been called a monster many times in the past. Every time I gave mention to my OCD people assumed it wasn’t normal. Tv has trained people to see OCD as just the super organized individual who counts out loud or flicks a switch like 20 times. They don’t fully describe the compulsive thoughts or sudden fear or depression that you are burdened with. I’ve had to deal with those who are super religious saying, it is all attacks of demons and mental issues were disregarded, especially by my family. I was and felt alone.

Now, I feel like I am much better at coping with my OCD. It isn’t as easy as before and though I know I should be looking for help more, I do manage to talk about it with my gf. She seems to be one of the few people who understand me. It isn’t easy living with a mental disorder. Even with my life focused on a customer service field, when my OCD triggers, I feel like I am drowning and seem to get even more drained than usual. It seems to come in waves and I try to get through it every day. All I can say is that we are never truly alone. We think we are prisoners of our own minds and it may feel like too much but truly learn to take care of yourself. No job or situation is worth your mental health, no reason to stress over something temporary. We need to see we are in our own time and pace, breath and truly help each other. This world is ever changing and let us change with it.

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