Late Night thoughts #1

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I honestly don’t know what the hell is going on anymore. I get wrapped up in my head that it all seems to mush into a big mess. I am having a hard time keeping my OCD in check lately.

For the most part, it used to be easy, just listen to music and write. Nowadays, it seems to get in the way of everything. It is starting to fluctuate and just erupt at random times. One moment I’m fine and the next it just goes off.

For those who don’t know, I have OCD, but unlike your typical common subtype, I have Harm OCD and sexual obsession. While you can find different explanations as to what they are, I’ll try to help people get what it is. Harm OCD is like a barrage of violent images or thoughts pounding your brain at once. It can be thoughts about violent acts to oneself or to others. But you don’t go through with anything, you can be thinking about bashing someone’s head in but put a smile. Then there’s sexual obsession, it can be thoughts or images that engulf your mind about, ding ding ding, sexual acts or thoughts.

Believe it or not, having both is not the best. No, they are not demons in my mind, hate when religious people say that. This is something I’ve been dealing with for years. Writing, for the most part, helped me control it before. Now it would seem to invade my daily life, could be because I don’t write as much but I don’t know. It’s funny, I understand why OCD is seen now as a disability.

Life has just been difficult. Add all of this with the change of perception of life as of late and bam, you have a ticking time bomb. I’ve never been social with people, I try to avoid them as much as I can and I constantly need to recharge but then you get a job at a call center and it makes it even worse. I guess that’s another thing, I’ve been constantly tired and pissed off mostly. I keep beating myself up saying I should have had my life together by now, but who truly does? We are all working and trying to get through, surviving.

I don’t want to hear about hope, luck, and some other type of b.s. I’ve been through too much and I can and will move forward. Even if my body is in autopilot now, I just wonder at times, am I even alive, funny to say. But then again I just keep fighting to have rational thoughts, not anxiety, depression, or any other thing that tries to keep me from experiencing life.

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