I don’t know how I feel about today. I have been writing about the changes I am going through and I wonder if it all isn’t a mid-life crisis. If my OCD has gotten the best of me and it is just overriding my whole thought process. Today was the first day I felt alone, truly alone. I feel like people talk about loneliness and they say they prefer to be alone but there is a difference between solitude and loneliness. I do enjoy my solitude but even then there is a defining limit I can attest to. In the end, we just want someone or others who are willing to understand, be there for you.
What happened to my friends?
What about my girlfriend?
Questions keep coming like a storm and yet here I am at 4 in the morning wondering why I keep reaching these points in my life. I am plagued with mental instability and yet I always act like everything is under control when it isn’t. I hate hearing or seeing that OCD is a disability, anxiety, depression. For some reason, it honestly makes me mad. I feel weak. I think this is the main reason. I also made sure to be strong, even though I may not project strength physically, I have honed myself to learn ways to defend myself, the fights growing up, mentally preparing myself for any pain, and yet here I am, shattered the peace of a man.
So here I am, today, writing once again. I feel alone. I may have my family talk to me and act like they care at times, but I feel like it just feels like a chore to them. I actually feel like it is like that with everyone, they do it because they know they have to. I can have people say, they don’t have to do anything, they want to, but understand, that is not what is going on in my head right now.
I will be as honest as I can be here, I usually keep to myself and my feelings but I feel like at least if I don’t bottle it up this time, it’ll be better. Here goes, I’m a mess. It’s true, hold the comforting words and the motivational quotes for now. I am confident in who I am and how far I’ve come. I had nothing and made myself to be who I am today. Though I have not seen my dreams come to fruition, I am surviving, I’m a survivor, but that’s just it, I’m barely crawling on by. I don’t know why we have this need to feel like we could be more, be better, this innate desire to want to evolve to be someone else. There were moments where humility was what encompassed me but let’s be frank now, I am not a Christian. It may come as a shock but I’ve grown to accept this and I know that where I stand now, my beliefs, don’t come close to how they were when I first made this blog. I’m still working on discovering where I am going, who I will be.
With everything that is happening in my life, I thought by this age that I would have everything figured out, but nope. I see other people and hear these quotes about that everyone has their own timing and just laugh. We all make choices and are defined by them, the reality is that I am where I am at today because I chose it. We could say that the environment defines us so sometimes we can’t choose it but then I know there are those who escape war driven countries to find freedom. I know this to be true, sure, there are factors that can determine who we are like my OCD, but I know as well that I should be looking for help, stop being so closed off and maybe, I wouldn’t feel so alone.
I feel it like a clawing sensation, the way my OCD is, I have the subsets that are more dominant than others like Harm OCD, Doubts and Sexual Thoughts. These three make my life a living hell and it keeps getting worse. No amount of prayer is going to stop it and even then because of my OCD I am in a conflict with what is moral, beliefs and etc, it is a fucking annoyance. They think it is easy to blame my sex drive when I have sexual thoughts plague me. They think I’m possessed when I explain what is Harm OCD.
This is what is causing me to feel alone, no one understands. I’ve tried to be myself and feel like even just with my girlfriend, it may be a chore for her to talk to me cause I may see that she isn’t interested in talking on the phone or even texting. My brain sometimes doesn’t differentiate it in a logical way like my girlfriend doesn’t like texting or talking unless there is literally something worth talking about. I see any sign of change as a way of anxiety saying, uh oh, it’s over. I’ve pushed friends away, even family. I can’t even connect with family anymore and it all is awkward. When I write, I expect myself to be in control and think maybe one day I wouldn’t be my own hindrance. I keep in this shell because I feel like I am in this shell with no-one understanding me or wanting to know. I just hear I’ll pray for you, talk to someone, do this or that, I just want someone to say, damn, I know what you are going through, I’m here for you. I honestly don’t know what the hell is going on half the time in my mind. I don’t know who I am. The worst part is that I feel alone and I feel like I am alone, even from myself and that’s just what it is like in my mind, today.