Category Archives: anxiety

Words in Action

“It’s easier said than done.”

We hear the constant words drilled into our heads, being built with firm foundations. The master builder or the creator himself giving shape to the people we are meant to be if we all Him to.

What comes to mind, words and action. 

I’ve been at a loss and quite frankly, perplexed at my role as an individual in society. I feel “lost”. It is like I don’t fit in the norm or even what many describe as the “culture”. Now sure, I can have some stereotypes, I’m Asian so I love anime, I’m Dominican so I like bachata, and etc. Beyond that, there is more that meets the eye. 

I don’t know how many times I will say it, I prefer that I stand out but as well, as of late, I feel some anxiety coming in. I haven’t been on social media for some time now and wonder how my friends are. Though I could text them, it seems that, just like me, we only text when it is convenient. I find myself hearing people talk about things happening in the world and I’m also out of it. I don’t watch t.v. nor pay mind to mainstream news (I’m a truther, remember, what you may call a conspiracy but). Through it all it has got me to think about my choices in life.

I’m usually one of those people who contemplates and reflects his choices and yet I know God is telling me to trust in him. The reality is, I tend to instill my ego and pride. I am good at getting things done or ignoring what I feel, which causes me to be cold.

I am literally writing from my tub and letting the water hit me while I write this on my phone(waterproof casing). I got home from another long shift and time seems to be speeding up. My life seems to be going nowhere fast and I ask myself, maybe I should be doing something bigger right now.

Should I have already had 3 books, my blog with thousands of followers, people commenting, podcast with tons of downloads, and etc by now?

I’m good at saying things like, “Be Present” but we are left with these questions. I ask myself this a lot, are we truly present? 

I come to God with an open heart asking what is His will. Every time I think I know, it ends up being my own desires that ultimately fail me. What will change? What is there to change? Am I allowing myself to be changed? These are all questions that pound into my head. For the first time in a long time, I do feel lost and alone. 

I feel like an outcast. I don’t blink of I get zero reads or views on articles since this has transitioned to a journal as well. When I write, I feel escape and a sense of relief from this world. I ultimately wake up and am appalled by how society has become warped. Yet here I am, voicing my own opinions through the best way I know how, writing. 

This all may seem like a jumbled up array of words compiled to make sense. I mean am I supposed to write a detailed post with pictures and funny sentences, maybe a gif, to keep the reader entertained? Or am I truly supposed to write and let my soul paint the picture with words, allowing my own story, notions, or feelings come to pass. I feel limited by following guidelines. Trust me, I’ve read at least a hundred on starting a blog or bringing in an audience. It’s just that, I feel like if I was to do all that, I would lose myself, My style.

I’m not famous. I’m not like everyone else. I’m a 26 year old man that believes in true love while being single. I’m a blogger/writer/poet that hasn’t gone to college or honestly, dropped out. I haven’t the faintest clue in my next steps other than doing God’s will. I know I will continue to write, motivate, inspire, and though I have certain goals, I cannot allow my life to be plagued by anxiety anymore. 

Call me what you will but I refuse to be a lost boy who never grows up, fascinated by the world. So then in turn I’m not lost, just like Tolkien quoted, “Not all who wander are lost”. I will not be captivated and be a zombie looking down on his phone all the time. I will not waste my time doing things I consider unproductive. I want to truly change the world and if I am an outcast then it is true what Jesus said, I am not from this world and if the world hated Him, then it will hate me too. I rather stand for what I believe and be built on form foundations.

Driving Force

Don’t worry I’m alive. I haven’t written in 4 days Which is odd for me. I typically write or post every 2 days now. Please don’t be mad *bows in forgiveness*. 

I’ve been working like crazy these past few days. I haven’t had a day off til today and a good chunk of that is taken off due to podcast day. But as well, I worked a 20 hour shift Sunday and just got off another 15 hour shift. *drumroll* I’m not dead.

I’ve rarely felt exhaustion. Usually people tell me I’m an Android and I don’t rest but surprise surprise, I can feel my body ache, I feel myself tired. It’s funny, I never thought I would see the day.

My brother posted a pic similar to the one above, to express how he felt after he learned I passed out when I got home on Sunday; only to sleep 3 hours and head back to work. Everyone wonders why I push myself and though it may seem I voice my opinion strongly, I am just honest. 

The reality is that I’ve been in the dumps-Not the actual place- where I am mentally, physically, and spiritual broke, used, work out. Fighting depression has never been easy. Having OCD is not something to boast about as well. Anxiety is even worst in my opinion. Now mash that all up and you have me. Yet, none of this reveals that I endured being homeless in the past.

I will not allow myself to reach a point in my life where I am struggling and Don’t know where to turn. I don’t believe in giving up nor in just letting life pass me by. There are things I still need to do and places to go. Now I’m not saying that this is what happens with homeless people. What I’m saying is, is that I know what drives me.

God, family, my goals. It is in this exact order and if I’m blessed enough to find my significant other, then she will be considered family but above a bit (maybe she’s reading this *laughs*). God has instilled a drive to do everything as if I was doing it for Him. My family is my treasure and I’ve learned that no riches can compare. Last, my goals of being a writer and speaker/teacher to help/teach others who struggle in life. 

I say it many times that my focus is clear now. I may lose vision at times or it might be blurred but I know that God will guide me. I can be tired and know that this job as a manager is not something to die over. I know I would be replaced but as well I am a hard worker. I’ve learned the value not only in things, people, but also myself. 

I will continue to smile and be driven by the force that allows me to grow as a man. To lead others to come to a similar mindset and truly grow as people. It is never about having no time but what drives us to keep going, for me they are what I stayed because I’ve learned that without these, everything else is vain. I ask then, what drives you?

The Next 24 Hours

What is a day? A compilation of time adjusted by man in separation to mere minutes or even an hour. But in reality, what really is a day? We casually say that we will see others “within a day” . As we progress in life we hear that life is even a collection of days and you never know when it will be your last day on Earth.

I got a chance to hang out with one of my good friends yesterday. Within that day it started with a sense of rage because of what happened at work. From that day I just allowed myself to be consumed by the peace that always follows when I just breath and continue to live life. I never knew what it was in my life to actually sit and consider a day. 

Yes, we create schedules that build into something that we can actually call a day. Even now, writing this on the day of one of my friends is getting married, one day can change a significant amount. Even if we would simplify it to an hour, any single choice can just take a second. It took one day for two people to fall in love. One day for even myself to have met that one person who would be my friend and jump start it to where I am now, 5 years later, and it leaves you in awe. 

My favorite “chick flick” is About Time. The movie is about a guy who has the power to travel in time. Not to give any spoilers more spoilers but a challenge his dad gives him during the end is to relive a single day and appreciate all there is to life, the good and the bad. Every choice you make today will affect who you will be tomorrow and maybe who you will become years from now. 

The greatest challenge I now have or what I challenge others as well is to took break things down to the simplest of things, not seconds but the next 60 minutes, the 24 hours before you. Learn to appreciate each precious moment because the reality is, you don’t know when it is your last day, but it is not your job to perfectly plan out your last day, you never know when it will be. Just look at where you are at today, focus on the time, now. Be blessed all.

Open Heart

​To love and be loved is truly the greatest reward.

I remember these words I write years ago. They now resonate within me and help me with my current transformation. I could feel it, another shift in my mental as I draw closer to God. 

My honesty and humbleness has now manifested beyond comprehension. I could feel the sense of truly wishing to help people but not just wishing but actually doing. I’ve also come to the realization of who I was. Before I knew who I was I would ignore the fact of the damage I had done. I would self loathe only to fall into depression. Yet, now, I wish to reveal who I truly am to others and noticing a vital problem. No one really knows me as I am now. 

I’ve hurt so many people in the past or had self interest that trust was lost. Even with this being said I also noticed how much time, distance truly separates people. I’ve been trying to connect with those I cared about and yet it seems to be difficult. It’s weird but I truly feel alone, though I have my family and few close friends. It’s like I’m reintroducing myself to most people. 

Remember the stories or the reputation I held? That was just a facade. It’s something I was told to do, create an identity to never truly be known. So you heard about the guy who was so quick to sleep around or out partying. Yet because of my past I learned to never embody myself to that which would distract my studies. Though I occasionally found myself under bottles or smoking to escape reality. Til I found that self control and being sober, facing my problems, brought me better benefits. 

I was a kid for the most part, thinking as a child and never understanding the world and how to embrace people. It was all about me. Yet God has been speaking to me. To follow him I must die daily. To love in such a way that nothing else will pour out from my heart. To be filled with his love that I seek no validation or pleasure from something else because he is enough. 

I can’t take back the words spoken or the actions but I can only be who he is making me to be. I don’t have to prove I’m changed. He tells me, Just love and be a light, an example. I will not be the same as before and to understand I am not of this world. Many who walk that path now that I used to be with can say I’ve grown “soft” but in reality I’ve grown strong. I invested too much on vain pursuits. 

I remember the nights wondering what was wrong with the world. We’ve become so cold as people. I would shut myself off and ignore everyone. Yet God stepped in. It was always my Father, showering me in his grace, always. For that I am beyond grateful. He continues to lead me away from that which is damaging to my being. Rest in me are the words written, cast all your anxieties on me… My identity is not found by what others say but in who I am in Christ. 

I’ve grown tired of these games I play with myself. One moment I’m happy and then I get triggered and fall to my own mental prison. I’m exhausted actually. Falling into the affairs of love in what the world declares it to be only to get hurt or hurt others. I’m more than that, I don’t believe in soulmates just in two people truly coming together and working through all odds, not in perfection but towards unity as a family and couple, loving beyond conditions, as intended. So I appear now as an old soul and I am not in a rush towards marriage as before. 

In essence, my heart is now open. Like if God was here with me performing open heart surgery and others can see my what lies in my heart. From the darkness of my past to who I am now. I am not my past. 

It’s funny actually, how I can discuss these things so openly now while years ago I would build walls and only those I let in would see beyond them. Or truly how a shift commenced by one person breaking through. 

My life is not my own. It is God’s, for him I live and breathe. I wish to share this love with others and the truth of who He is. I can’t explain it, I try to and yet it is beyond words. I know people will think it odd of me or even wonder what happened to Gee? I won’t keep explaining it, just grow with me. I’m sorry to all I’ve hurt and those who may not trust me now because of who I was, see me for who I am, now. 

I love you all, those that read my work, those that have seen my journey and walk with me. Life is truly amazing. And what I am trying to convey to all is that love truly is what life is about. Love with your all. Love at all times. Love and never give up on love, ever. Don’t be afraid to love and show your real emotions. Be blessed. This is Gee_ology aka Lucius, signing out.

No more

No more. I will not live in such a way. I have control. I can do this. I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I am not my OCD. I am not my past and I will not worry about my future. I am here, now, alive. No more. I will not be a slave to pills to help me sleep. I will not find answers in the bottom of a bottle. It’s going to be ok. I’m going to be ok. It’s ok to feel but please, don’t let it consume you. You can do this. I can do this. No more. I will not be a slave and prisoner of my mind. Happiness is a state of just being not something sought. God, family, friends. Write, draw, sing, rap, perform. Repeat it in your head. Let it burn into your soul. No more. I am free. I have control. It’s going to be ok. Smile more. Laugh. Love. Speak. Learn. Grow. You can do this. No more. Shine as you were intended. No matter what. No more. Live life, truly live. Truly love. You were made to be different. Lead. Teach. Walk. Run. I am not alone. Never alone. His love fills my soul. No more. Breathe. Breathe. No more. I am a new creation. Forgive me. I’m sorry. Let me reveal who I was meant to be, I surrender it all.

Everything Will Be Ok

Allow me to speak honestly, it’s going to be ok. I’m not referring to anyone but allowing myself to see the words on this screen as a reminder, to pound it into myself. You can experience all of these thoughts and feel many types of emotions but guess what, you made it every other day. What makes today different? What is going through your mind? Is not God always by your side? 

Listen, no one is going to hold your hand and walk you through these things. Remember the nights you couldn’t sleep homeless? Remember the nights you had panic attacks? He was there, always. Friends came and helped you get through those things. Many people will come and go in life. Your life was never intended to be easy. To follow him, the call required you to die daily. It isn’t about you yet know that you are loved and cared for. 

How many days must you contemplate about the future not seeing the present? Does not the wind still blow and the sun rise? Remove all notions and know that these problems or situations are but a passing of time and you live for eternity. You’re one of the few who understands true love in its truest essence. Why do you act as if the light is not on at times? For you shine within and there is no spotlight on you as if you needed to showcase who you are. Continue to be a light and example. It is not your job to prove who you are not, you have been given a new heart and way of thought. Let not your emotions control you. 

Look at how far you’ve come, how far God has carried you. A mere boy lost in darkness to a man of good standing because of the life given. You are a king. Though you may feel discomfort in your mental, know that spiritually, you’re not alone. It can feel like you want to give up but what happens every time? New obstacles emerge and because of what you learned before, you sacrifice, grow, and push forward. You were made to lead. 

Did you not ask for wisdom and to not only know love but embody love as your own? Times will change and that is good, with each season you will embrace the weather and continue to live. You are not destined to please men, set your thoughts on the things of your Father. It’s going to be ok. It’s ok to feel, it’s ok to not be or reach a certain point others have rreached already. You are running your own course and path. Keep hearing the call and running the race, for we Chase not after victory but in joy of life.

Unspoken but Written

For those wondering how I experience anxiety and depression, just a snippet.

I. It could of been different you know. The way the stars seem to write the story in the sky. Maybe I was made to cross the oceans of space. Time seems to cause me to burn of uncertainty and my heart yearns of wanting to know what could of been. Drawing me in the black hole that is my chest I reach for hands that will catch me. I rode with you but now I fall…


II. I feel completely distraught, broken, I can’t explain what has overcome me…I embrace the darkness only to find that it even leaves me. Can you ask God to draw closer to me? Can you pray for me?


III. Cast me and find me for I no longer can find my own conscious desire in this waking world. Can you see it? I guess you can’t, we hide behind such sweet lies that taste ravishly, hiding such a twisted mind. But I continue knowing my life is not mine to bear but made to serve others for I am not my own. Let it be an endless war til the coming of my king. Whisper words I wish to hear…


IV. Hey, how’s it been?! Life’s been good. Just wanted to see how you’ve been. It’s been awhile, love you. 🙂


– texts from a restless soul, wrestling anxiety and depression