Category Archives: anxiety

Held Below

Raging fire of uncertainty grips in hold of the cord.

Silence the sweet company as the night welcomes home.

Picking at the turning hands as the stars twinkle their absent present but seen as existing.

Such a lonely day, it is mine.

Swallowed soul, plagued and brought to shallow end.

The choice to rise and breathe once again or let the waters finish the sentence.

Flooded thoughts within oceans of chemicals developed and understood with scientific reason.

Yet what answers can be drawn to escape illusions beyond?

Round forms or shots that hit points to calm triggers before fired.

Drowning in melodies or rhythms to escape possibilities.

Moments of descent, letting passing air exert tensions stored in words screamed but not heard; let it all be written.

Wait for me as I rise to the surface.

Choices In Fate

We’ve heard the sayings ringing out like a choir performing an epic verse to a song, “If it’s meant to be, it will be” or even, “whatever is yours will find its way to you.”. The believers of fate proclaiming that fate drives us all to a predestined plan set in motion since the beginning of time. Others, who hold to a kore skeptical belief, swear we make our own destiny and fate, choosing the choices we make in life.

I will be honest in stating that I used to believe in fate. There were moments when I believed in luck but as my years have advanced, I know that for the most part, we choose our choices and life. Now this does not mean I’m a skeptical to a grand plan set by God. I have stated it before that I am a believer. I just know that things don’t just happen or that. Now sure, I can say that God has a plan for me and I can abide in His will, I also know I can choose to follow my own path.

I was recently discussing this with my girlfriend about how we can say that it was “fate” but in the reality is, we never truly know. I could have chosen 20 different paths or choices that would have had me working somewhere else or not even being able to meet her, for instance. I am not defined by where I am now but ultimately where I choose to be or do.

Ive heard and seen people get depressed or become anxious because they have stated that they are fated for greatness, everyone wants to be a star and yet never realize their own potential or limitations. Not everyone will be an entrepreneur, unlike what society teaches now. People are a collective that each, individually, come together to help us all come as a whole to what we call society. People that bag pur food, collect trash, teach our children, help maintain electricity to the city and etc.

I believe that fate is not essentially what the movies or people have claimed it to be. I feel like fate is but a word only when it is used in focus of the self, placing yourself as the god of your own world, an idol. Now I do believe, God will place certain people and situations but ultimately it is our choice to decide what we do when presented, this is in no way associated with salvation but in life. I still hold to the reformed mindset that we are saved by grace through faith but that faith is given to us when our hearts are opened, but this is my understanding of scripture. As the rest goes, I feel like we lose focus of the grand scheme, it is not about us, let fate to and live your life to the fullest and you will find the life that have pictured wouof be destiny.

Each Breath

You never truly notice each breath you take. Now sure, you reading this, start to count and observe each passing breath. The air that fills your lungs or escapes your body continues without your full attention.

Let’s step back for a moment and begin to see the intricacy of life. Without all the weighted perception or distractions thrown at us, we see the complexity. With all of this said, life shows us that even without our full focus, it continues.

I’ve tried to mask my feelings before in a variety of ways, work, art, and etc. Amidst the turmoil I would either ignore, push to the side, or try to disregard, until I was ready to face them, life would continue. This whole realization that each passing breath was more than my body functioning as intended, I saw it as the reality, we are truly alive.

It shouldn’t come as a shock, we are born, do this or that, you can insert a blank, life doesn’t stop because someone dies. Each breath reveals the struggles we’ve overcome, the happiness we have felt, and etc. We are in fact surviving and growing.

If I told you I could remember the details of every find memory to the minimalist of details, you would think I’m crazy. I know some people who quickly respond, “Lucius, don’t waste your breath.”. I tend to try to use as much of the life I’ve been given to help reshape the world. Even recording an episode from the podcast, talking about peace, I would breath knowing I am here, now, alive, so why not use the best of my time.

We truly don’t know when it’s going to be the last breath we take. We don’t know the last breath before a big switch will happen in our lives. All we know is that people who learn to control their breathing, find that they could push through further. Now I’m writing all of this using parables. First thing a boxer, runner, and etc learn is to control your breathing, if not, you will tire easily. This can be seen with everything about life. Life is not measured by how much it “throws” at you but your perception to it based on the truth seen or tested and guess what, within all of that, we are ourselves are tested.

We are told that life is like running a race. What is causing you to be out of breath, what causes difficulty to breathe, what can be drawn from the air around us? Learn to breathe and with every breath you take, know it is a gift. Remember, breathe, everything will be ok. God is the life giver and he allows us to breathe. Take in every breath and keep going.

Struggling Mind

Let’s take time to acknowledge the fact that mental disorders aren’t a new trend. I hear the terms being thrown as if it was a joke, like “omg, I’m so bipolar…I’m depressed…”. There are moments we can joke about some things but do not diminish or forget how serious it can be.

Being someone who fights depression and anxiety daily, it isn’t a walk in the park. You don’t just walk outside and say, “I won’t be depressed today..”. People are suicidal, schizophrenic, mpd, ptsd, etc. As much as we help those who go through physical illnesses we also need to support those with mental ones. I remember hearing a quote that I can’t recall who said it, “If your mind is not whole, your body can suffer.”. There can be those who struggle with these things without anyone noticing. It is ok to speak to someone about it, you’re not alone.

I can be vocal about it because though I endure it, I am not them (my disorder, depression, etc), it does not ultimately define me. We can get mad at certain things or people, but what we can do is help them get the help they need. It is not a weakness if you need to see someone about what you have or take something for it. We’re human and even if, for example, myself, being a Christian, we act like we can reach perfection. No, we will fail and go through things, A.W. Tozer was an influential preacher who suffered from severe depression. It is true we find comfort and peace in God, as humans though we will still struggle with our daily lives and state we’re in.

You are all beautiful and strong, keep hanging on brothers and sisters, do not be afraid.

Helladays


After a long two weeks of pushing my body to the limit, hearing screams and compliants, I made it, I’m alive.

Working retail is exactly what you hear about. Working management makes it seem tougher. Though I’m not like the managers people talk about, I still am considered the manager and I’m used to the backlash of employees and customers. 

I worked a consecutive 90+ hours one week and just finished the week before Christmas-which is Today-94 hours and not including Christmas eve.

Am I crazy? Is iy really worth it? The paycheck that I will see at the end of the week? I can’t really answer that but for the very first time I am exhausted. I’ve stated it before and I can’t believe it to be true but my body is actually slowing down. I’m used to doing things that push me to my limits and as my brain speeds up, my mental health getting better from depression and anxiety, my body is feeling the strain of all the years overworked.

It is a miracle that I made it through this year’s season. Being low on staff, hardly eating at all, sleeping 3-4 hours and working 12-21 hours a day. It also taught me something that has disappointed me and shifted my views about people today. We call it helladays at work.

People are truly consumed into materialism. I met some good people who understood how tired we were while others and mostly all other people, mind you-who were late shoppers-were completely numb to emotions. Christians who swear to representing the day to Christ would throw a fit because of lines at stores and many people who swear they are “good”, fueled by greed or anger. Then like a day after all shopping is said and done, when we get together with family, they forget. People who swear I ruined their Christmas because of the present they couldn’t get when outside of Christianity the view of Christmas is being around family and appreciating others we love, as a gift. 

But, of course, I’ll hear people say merry Christmas, the occasional texts. Which my response is always, “yea, you too”. The thing is, I still hold to everyday being the same. I don’t celebrate holidays and yes, I do see Christmas as a pagan holiday. Coming from the occult, I have seen all the dark roots of various traditions and shifts of rituals into our daily practices. In today’s world, new age consciousness has pervaded even the church and schools. 

But I can say something as well, I found myself thinking about what I truly am grateful. I’m embarrassed to say I’m grateful for certain things but for the most part, I’m happy I experienced them. For one, my niece has given me the fuel to keep going apart from God. Though I haven’t been as strong in the faith, I know I must trust in Him and continue to follow His path. I’ve let go of social media which based on who I am, it is a trap for depression and anxiety, a way for me to lose focus and so I detached from being “connected”. Though I can honestly say I’m not too fond of my job now, it has allowed me to break free from my insecurities and allowing me to talk to people without being afraid. My ex, though our differences, time and distance now, I can say I’m grateful and still hold her close in mind because I saw my flaws and grew as a man, the one she knew I could be and I’m still growing. 

Overall, this post is not only my account of the holidays but also, people in general. Though I may not hold your views, with the coming new year’s, life comes and goes. Be grateful of who you have and what you have, don’t let yourself become consumed by what the culture promotes or society. Gee_ology signing out, boom, let’s go!

Words in Action

“It’s easier said than done.”

We hear the constant words drilled into our heads, being built with firm foundations. The master builder or the creator himself giving shape to the people we are meant to be if we all Him to.

What comes to mind, words and action.

I’ve been at a loss and quite frankly, perplexed at my role as an individual in society. I feel “lost”. It is like I don’t fit in the norm or even what many describe as the “culture”. Now sure, I can have some stereotypes, I’m Asian so I love anime, I’m Dominican so I like bachata, and etc. Beyond that, there is more that meets the eye.

I don’t know how many times I will say it, I prefer that I stand out but as well, as of late, I feel some anxiety coming in. I haven’t been on social media for some time now and wonder how my friends are. Though I could text them, it seems that, just like me, we only text when it is convenient. I find myself hearing people talk about things happening in the world and I’m also out of it. I don’t watch t.v. nor pay mind to mainstream news (I’m a truther, remember, what you may call a conspiracy but). Through it all it has got me to think about my choices in life.

I’m usually one of those people who contemplates and reflects his choices and yet I know God is telling me to trust in him. The reality is, I tend to instill my ego and pride. I am good at getting things done or ignoring what I feel, which causes me to be cold.

I am literally writing from my tub and letting the water hit me while I write this on my phone(waterproof casing). I got home from another long shift and time seems to be speeding up. My life seems to be going nowhere fast and I ask myself, maybe I should be doing something bigger right now.

Should I have already had 3 books, my blog with thousands of followers, people commenting, podcast with tons of downloads, and etc by now?

I’m good at saying things like, “Be Present” but we are left with these questions. I ask myself this a lot, are we truly present?

I come to God with an open heart asking what is His will. Every time I think I know, it ends up being my own desires that ultimately fail me. What will change? What is there to change? Am I allowing myself to be changed? These are all questions that pound into my head. For the first time in a long time, I do feel lost and alone.

I feel like an outcast. I don’t blink of I get zero reads or views on articles since this has transitioned to a journal as well. When I write, I feel escape and a sense of relief from this world. I ultimately wake up and am appalled by how society has become warped. Yet here I am, voicing my own opinions through the best way I know how, writing.

This all may seem like a jumbled up array of words compiled to make sense. I mean am I supposed to write a detailed post with pictures and funny sentences, maybe a gif, to keep the reader entertained? Or am I truly supposed to write and let my soul paint the picture with words, allowing my own story, notions, or feelings come to pass. I feel limited by following guidelines. Trust me, I’ve read at least a hundred on starting a blog or bringing in an audience. It’s just that, I feel like if I was to do all that, I would lose myself, My style.

I’m not famous. I’m not like everyone else. I’m a 26 year old man that believes in true love while being single. I’m a blogger/writer/poet that hasn’t gone to college or honestly, dropped out. I haven’t the faintest clue in my next steps other than doing God’s will. I know I will continue to write, motivate, inspire, and though I have certain goals, I cannot allow my life to be plagued by anxiety anymore.

Call me what you will but I refuse to be a lost boy who never grows up, fascinated by the world. So then in turn I’m not lost, just like Tolkien quoted, “Not all who wander are lost”. I will not be captivated and be a zombie looking down on his phone all the time. I will not waste my time doing things I consider unproductive. I want to truly change the world and if I am an outcast then it is true what Jesus said, I am not from this world and if the world hated Him, then it will hate me too. I rather stand for what I believe and be built on form foundations.

Driving Force

Don’t worry I’m alive. I haven’t written in 4 days Which is odd for me. I typically write or post every 2 days now. Please don’t be mad *bows in forgiveness*.

I’ve been working like crazy these past few days. I haven’t had a day off til today and a good chunk of that is taken off due to podcast day. But as well, I worked a 20 hour shift Sunday and just got off another 15 hour shift. *drumroll* I’m not dead.

I’ve rarely felt exhaustion. Usually people tell me I’m an Android and I don’t rest but surprise surprise, I can feel my body ache, I feel myself tired. It’s funny, I never thought I would see the day.

My brother posted a pic similar to the one above, to express how he felt after he learned I passed out when I got home on Sunday; only to sleep 3 hours and head back to work. Everyone wonders why I push myself and though it may seem I voice my opinion strongly, I am just honest.

The reality is that I’ve been in the dumps-Not the actual place- where I am mentally, physically, and spiritual broke, used, work out. Fighting depression has never been easy. Having OCD is not something to boast about as well. Anxiety is even worst in my opinion. Now mash that all up and you have me. Yet, none of this reveals that I endured being homeless in the past.

I will not allow myself to reach a point in my life where I am struggling and Don’t know where to turn. I don’t believe in giving up nor in just letting life pass me by. There are things I still need to do and places to go. Now I’m not saying that this is what happens with homeless people. What I’m saying is, is that I know what drives me.

God, family, my goals. It is in this exact order and if I’m blessed enough to find my significant other, then she will be considered family but above a bit (maybe she’s reading this *laughs*). God has instilled a drive to do everything as if I was doing it for Him. My family is my treasure and I’ve learned that no riches can compare. Last, my goals of being a writer and speaker/teacher to help/teach others who struggle in life.

I say it many times that my focus is clear now. I may lose vision at times or it might be blurred but I know that God will guide me. I can be tired and know that this job as a manager is not something to die over. I know I would be replaced but as well I am a hard worker. I’ve learned the value not only in things, people, but also myself.

I will continue to smile and be driven by the force that allows me to grow as a man. To lead others to come to a similar mindset and truly grow as people. It is never about having no time but what drives us to keep going, for me they are what I stayed because I’ve learned that without these, everything else is vain. I ask then, what drives you?

The Next 24 Hours

What is a day? A compilation of time adjusted by man in separation to mere minutes or even an hour. But in reality, what really is a day? We casually say that we will see others “within a day” . As we progress in life we hear that life is even a collection of days and you never know when it will be your last day on Earth.

I got a chance to hang out with one of my good friends yesterday. Within that day it started with a sense of rage because of what happened at work. From that day I just allowed myself to be consumed by the peace that always follows when I just breath and continue to live life. I never knew what it was in my life to actually sit and consider a day.

Yes, we create schedules that build into something that we can actually call a day. Even now, writing this on the day of one of my friends is getting married, one day can change a significant amount. Even if we would simplify it to an hour, any single choice can just take a second. It took one day for two people to fall in love. One day for even myself to have met that one person who would be my friend and jump start it to where I am now, 5 years later, and it leaves you in awe.

My favorite “chick flick” is About Time. The movie is about a guy who has the power to travel in time. Not to give any spoilers more spoilers but a challenge his dad gives him during the end is to relive a single day and appreciate all there is to life, the good and the bad. Every choice you make today will affect who you will be tomorrow and maybe who you will become years from now.

The greatest challenge I now have or what I challenge others as well is to took break things down to the simplest of things, not seconds but the next 60 minutes, the 24 hours before you. Learn to appreciate each precious moment because the reality is, you don’t know when it is your last day, but it is not your job to perfectly plan out your last day, you never know when it will be. Just look at where you are at today, focus on the time, now. Be blessed all.

Open Heart

​To love and be loved is truly the greatest reward.

I remember these words I write years ago. They now resonate within me and help me with my current transformation. I could feel it, another shift in my mental as I draw closer to God. 

My honesty and humbleness has now manifested beyond comprehension. I could feel the sense of truly wishing to help people but not just wishing but actually doing. I’ve also come to the realization of who I was. Before I knew who I was I would ignore the fact of the damage I had done. I would self loathe only to fall into depression. Yet, now, I wish to reveal who I truly am to others and noticing a vital problem. No one really knows me as I am now. 

I’ve hurt so many people in the past or had self interest that trust was lost. Even with this being said I also noticed how much time, distance truly separates people. I’ve been trying to connect with those I cared about and yet it seems to be difficult. It’s weird but I truly feel alone, though I have my family and few close friends. It’s like I’m reintroducing myself to most people. 

Remember the stories or the reputation I held? That was just a facade. It’s something I was told to do, create an identity to never truly be known. So you heard about the guy who was so quick to sleep around or out partying. Yet because of my past I learned to never embody myself to that which would distract my studies. Though I occasionally found myself under bottles or smoking to escape reality. Til I found that self control and being sober, facing my problems, brought me better benefits. 

I was a kid for the most part, thinking as a child and never understanding the world and how to embrace people. It was all about me. Yet God has been speaking to me. To follow him I must die daily. To love in such a way that nothing else will pour out from my heart. To be filled with his love that I seek no validation or pleasure from something else because he is enough. 

I can’t take back the words spoken or the actions but I can only be who he is making me to be. I don’t have to prove I’m changed. He tells me, Just love and be a light, an example. I will not be the same as before and to understand I am not of this world. Many who walk that path now that I used to be with can say I’ve grown “soft” but in reality I’ve grown strong. I invested too much on vain pursuits. 

I remember the nights wondering what was wrong with the world. We’ve become so cold as people. I would shut myself off and ignore everyone. Yet God stepped in. It was always my Father, showering me in his grace, always. For that I am beyond grateful. He continues to lead me away from that which is damaging to my being. Rest in me are the words written, cast all your anxieties on me… My identity is not found by what others say but in who I am in Christ. 

I’ve grown tired of these games I play with myself. One moment I’m happy and then I get triggered and fall to my own mental prison. I’m exhausted actually. Falling into the affairs of love in what the world declares it to be only to get hurt or hurt others. I’m more than that, I don’t believe in soulmates just in two people truly coming together and working through all odds, not in perfection but towards unity as a family and couple, loving beyond conditions, as intended. So I appear now as an old soul and I am not in a rush towards marriage as before. 

In essence, my heart is now open. Like if God was here with me performing open heart surgery and others can see my what lies in my heart. From the darkness of my past to who I am now. I am not my past. 

It’s funny actually, how I can discuss these things so openly now while years ago I would build walls and only those I let in would see beyond them. Or truly how a shift commenced by one person breaking through. 

My life is not my own. It is God’s, for him I live and breathe. I wish to share this love with others and the truth of who He is. I can’t explain it, I try to and yet it is beyond words. I know people will think it odd of me or even wonder what happened to Gee? I won’t keep explaining it, just grow with me. I’m sorry to all I’ve hurt and those who may not trust me now because of who I was, see me for who I am, now. 

I love you all, those that read my work, those that have seen my journey and walk with me. Life is truly amazing. And what I am trying to convey to all is that love truly is what life is about. Love with your all. Love at all times. Love and never give up on love, ever. Don’t be afraid to love and show your real emotions. Be blessed. This is Gee_ology aka Lucius, signing out.

No more

No more. I will not live in such a way. I have control. I can do this. I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I am not my OCD. I am not my past and I will not worry about my future. I am here, now, alive. No more. I will not be a slave to pills to help me sleep. I will not find answers in the bottom of a bottle. It’s going to be ok. I’m going to be ok. It’s ok to feel but please, don’t let it consume you. You can do this. I can do this. No more. I will not be a slave and prisoner of my mind. Happiness is a state of just being not something sought. God, family, friends. Write, draw, sing, rap, perform. Repeat it in your head. Let it burn into your soul. No more. I am free. I have control. It’s going to be ok. Smile more. Laugh. Love. Speak. Learn. Grow. You can do this. No more. Shine as you were intended. No matter what. No more. Live life, truly live. Truly love. You were made to be different. Lead. Teach. Walk. Run. I am not alone. Never alone. His love fills my soul. No more. Breathe. Breathe. No more. I am a new creation. Forgive me. I’m sorry. Let me reveal who I was meant to be, I surrender it all.