Consistently, Deeply Rooted

Done, I finish writing. Closing my laptop I continue to hear the tv in the background. I grab my phone and move on towards scrolling down news feeds. The only sounds around me is the tv so I allow my phone to play music. I open up contacts and text my best friend. As I wait for replies I flip through channels and turn on the 3ds. I stop abruptly, a quote catches my eye as I’m scrolling, 

“writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t want to do something else.” – Gloria Steilman 

I remember a verse from scripture now. 

“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me” (John 15:4). 

What am I doing? The thought plagues me all day and now I write.

Distractions. We are surrounded by them but what I never truly considered was consistency. My friends know me to be the “funny” guy. I make puns, am literally and like to joke around. People know me as the conspiracy theorist and so on. But there is a list, I’ve heard it before, I’m an extremist but as well what I now see it as, is I’m not really consistent. 

I jump around topics, go off in a tangent, and it would seem, that even apart from my narcissistic tendencies I have escaped from, I’m still getting a hold of who I am. I’m fighting with myself more than I could handle. Days I am motivational and others I allow my depression or anxiety to take hold, though I hold to my sanity. I would always believe it to be multi tasking when in fact I was never deeply rooted.

I like to put on a lot for myself, not realizing that the weight is heavy. I’ve slowly begun noticing the triggers to my OCD. In turn, I’ve changed a few things about me. One key thing is knowing I cant really ne in control of my future, no matter what I do. In this sense, as well, I’ve reduced what I swore I should be doing. 

I have found myself being so busy that in reality I am doing so much that in reality, I’m doing nothing at all. I tend to lose sight of things, being bombarded by so much going on and trying to follow it. And so the verse from scripture was ringing into my ears. How much or for how long have I said I will abide in God but truly just place it as another side project. Like some of my writing, where I take parts of my time but never really dwelling deeply within. 

I come to realize that being extreme or random is truly not beneficial. Consistency is truly of value. To have a mind that wanders or always open it reveals there is no ground or true foundation. I need to rest and reside with a firm standing, deeply rooted so that I may not stumble or fall. It is not about being a mystery to others nor seeming like I’m crazy. I truly wish to show others that I lead by example. That I teach love, truth, and have a firm understanding. Deeply rooted in God, will be consistent and focus on the task at hand; taking the necessary steps, one at a time, to climb.

To Victory

My life is of no concern; if I do not speak upon matters which now shape this fallen world. Ever passing thoughts of the victims created by my actions or choices. Why should I bask and boast upon such atrocities? Engulfed by the wickedness which we try to escape, to bring about freedom. Lest I try to excuse my faults, conviction is drawn, removing the mask so well placed that I hid behind, before. Find me not at rest but sword in hand to arrive at war. Lead me to truth O merciful Lord, guided by grace and reason, I fall on knees to serve. Wretched life made anew by a sacrifice, dealing the penalty that was for my own. Disclose my heart, entrusting my lessons to reach wandering souls. Eternal promise made just, continue in hope. My worth of no value, yet made rich and with purpose within your embrace. Cast me not away but may I find rest upon my last breath. Til then, lead me to victory.

Evil Intent

I remember reading or being addressed what is evil. The question in itself perplexing. Coming from it, embracing the darkness before, I know it all too well. The problem of evil is we believe it to be a thing. Yet evil is the absence of good. You can have good without evil but not evil without good. There’s two types: moral and natural. Moral being one of intention and choice to do bad, be malevolent, but this requires a moral standard,what then is good? Natural, not a result of intentional but a by product of the fall, introduction to life outside of paradise, Eden. Where laws and biology of nature have adjusted to accept and assume our wicked state. If an all good God created a world, with no freedom, no morals, would it be considered good? Is not lack of choice seen as evil intent, a tyrant? Yet choice was embedded, evil was a possibility but does not mean he is the author of evil, evil is not a thing. Evil will forever be our choice. The elites and governments creating wars, famine, sickness all with an agenda. And just by this interpretation, without God, good, we are evil, no matter the standard of the world’s because it has been founded within evil, the world has made its choice.

Living Christian

Being a Christian, while you may still appear the same person underneath it all, your priorities will change, and who you are. You will begin to see it radically. It is said that if you truly believe in God, once you met Jesus, your life is forever changed. You’ll begin to see it affect your life. Your friends might begin to see you as “boring”, no fun, religious and etc. It reveals who really stands with you as well as why you stood beside them. 

Your beliefs changes the way you live and interact. You will want to spend more time focused on different things. You no longer find joy in ‘going out’ or partying. Instead you want to do things for God, people, maybe even yourself to grow in faith. 

You are not “missing out” on anything. Being abstinent, waiting til marriage is fine, It’s a choice and act of obedience towards God, not man. The way we view love, others, changes. And though there is a stereotype that hangs over us, be true to God not what others define you as. Lead by example and be a light.

Rising from the Ashes

Every phoenix rises once again from the ashes or so we hear. Like the sun we rise from the darkness. It is always captivating to me, the stories about coming back from feeling defeated. One of my favorite quotes is, “fall seven times, get up 8.”. The ability to be defeated and still find strength to get back up.

As of late, my mind has been in a constant turmoil. I am not one to find excuses for the actions I commit, I try to speak with honesty now. I havent written anything from my heart for awhile. Granted, I can write articles that inspire motivation, I also know, I havent written as much as before. Writing is my form of escape and instead I’m letting myself drown in my depression and anxiety. They never tell you it will be hard having this, you hear about it, see it in movies, but living with it? It is not fun. 

I’m not the best role model. Though I try to always reflect a life of Christ, I am an imperfect human being. I still am learning to grow and for the most part as some of you may know, I am not to fond of my past. The reality is, I haven’t really forgiven myself. I see myself as a monster for the most part and that in turn keeps me from advancing to what God has planned. I am a new creation am I not? The question haunts me as I look upon the reflection and see a young man with a past that caused so much pain. Yet amidst all of that I also understand there has been good.

It actually was in part to my best friend helping me see something inside of me I try to ignore. I’m so quick to move on or act like things are okay, yet to actually face situations to change, it is hard for me. I speak encouraging words to others, but as well it is also me speaking to myself. I know what it is like to be completely defeated. To have nothing and no one beside you. Yet, just as the phoenix, God came and gave me life to be born again.

There is a fire that is burning within me once again. Even amidst my recent ventures,  hanging out with some old friends, I knew I wasnt the same person. I am constantly changing daily. Life is moving forward and my heart and soul is being renewed and healed. I no longer follow certain patterns of the world, the closer I get to the Father. I noticed that, like I said before. I managed to attend my friends party, yet through it all, I find myself feeling alone, amidst it all. It was an odd feeling. The song by Alessia Cara, I’m Here, echoed in the back of my mind. And even a certain situation that had me shaken, woke me to my realization, I needed to rise.

We forget at times that once we are down, defeated, it is okay to ask for help. There’s days I don’t have it together, but God is always there, my friends, and of course, family. We were truly never made to walk alone in this earth. No matter how fallen you think you are, you are not beyond saving, nor unloved. I can relate to anyone. To those with a heavy heart, look at me. I do have depression, anxiety, heck still healing from a broken heart, being in love with someone who may not feel the same, seeing himself as a monster. But I also understand now God’s love. I was made in his image, that in itself reveals our value. All I can truly say is to rise again. Never give up, every battle we endure makes us stronger and if you need support, know God is there, and so am I. Gee_ology out, boom, let’s go. Be blessed

Father…I’m here…

Father, I am here…Do your will. Amidst the storms, bring me not ashore but grant me the strength to walk upon waters. Faith purged in fire. Love overflowing within a heavy heart, shattered but given new. Hope restored within the darkness, seeking light. Truth carved into the crevices of my mind. Scars revealing the journey and wars faced. On my knees, hear your son cry out in the early morning. Leave me not, nor forsake me. Grant me your presence. Fill me O Spirit. I surrender.  Vowing promises of purity. Keep me in focus. Teach me your words so when spoken brings life. Guide my steps as I walk in your path. Let me serve in obedience Lord. Let not my mind be caught in snares of the trivialities of this world. Give me rest. Allow me peace. Convict me to repentance. I am yours. Father….I’m here…