Lately I’ve been standing at the deep end. Wondering if I’m asking the right questions. Speaking from my heart with the right intentions. Confessing the depression has me numb while repenting. I feel anxiety creeping. Blood starts seeping while dreaming. Can I talk to God or will People continue to say there’s no evidence of his existence? While I smile and in my head screaming. Feeling the emotions erupt my being. Because it was plan b from failing the acing. Racing so I don’t see the alphabet forming. Letters to God as the words pouring. Storms surging through descriptions spoken with beatings. Pressure inside consuming the tears so I can no longer cry. Another guy who looks up to the sky. Asking myself why, while I carry on through nights. Light entering corners of my eyes. Blinded to the possibilities. Remininscing as a broken record. Catching the tunes and melodies. Removing masks and facades, coming to God. Forgiven memories now delivered to my savings. So you can take it to the bank. I find my own thoughts and on my knees, I am free….I live for the king…no longer need to collect the pieces….
The days I come to pray the devil sees me as prey and tries to lead me in disarray. Dismayed by my failures until God’s grace is displayed. Then I return knowing, grabbing the sword and laying, slaying. Basking in his radiance, embracing his fragrance. My God, faith in you, how amazing. Saving savior bestowing my penalties. Crooked intentions now forgiven, made anew and tested by your sovereignty. Honestly giving others poetry for it is the revelation. shown as the portrayal of my souls restoration. I give them the truth, truth of you, only way, life and salvation…Jesus.
It’s funny, looking back at all the reckless things I did in my life. I remember the nights I went out with certain friends or stayed at their place to drink. I remember the days I would smoke and find the need for peace of mind by the “green”. Amidst it all, a substance or really anything became my addiction.
My mind is a constant storm that shifts through the weather of life. I used to think by abstaining from things forcefully I could find control. It was to my own failure that I saw that it wasn’t what I was doing but truly, why I was doing it that needed to change.
Recently I’ve debated with myself about various things in my life from using social media to debauchery and etc. It’s been quite awhile since I drank to the point that I lost my senses. Now close to 2 years since I smoked weed and bout a year and a half since I was physically with someone. Throughout these time spans in my walk to understanding who I am, I’ve learned to be sober minded. To learn who I am and in turn learn that I have control.
Ultimately I decide the choices that I will take, even though my mental issues may come into play. I know as well that God continues to shape me and I grow accordingly. My choice now to drink to a certain limit and to be celibate until or if I find someone and marry them, is me being sober in mind. To properly be logical not only who I am but how I affect others as well, how I use my time and etc.
I believe this is what Paul spoke about in the bible or the revelation that people see after being sober for a moment. You truly do begin to see with a clearer focus. Though I do understand some needs medically for some things, in speaking about anything not just drugs, being controlled by it. I have struggled with many things from sex, drugs, pornography, social media and etc, especially being an ex narcissist. But like scripture says, God is transforming me but as well, I must take charge at times and set my mind on other things. Things in this world would give temporary solutions but never something permanent. In turn, I’m focused now in making sure that I remain sober. Sober minded in not only who I am and having control of my life, but properly helping others, coming to God and focusing on things that will truly last.
What is our purpose? An interesting question to start off this post/article. I spent years before trying to come up with an answer. Apart from my studies in the occult, in the world, no self help book allowed me to properly attain that peace of mind with an answer.
I remember reading somewhere how we are told to love ourselves and that we are of worth and then I asked, but for what? We store the treasures and attain a level of richness we seem worthy and still desire more. We push ourselves to be known and have a legacy but as time continues, records are broken and our limits overcome by another. Yet, this never stopled me and I continued to push forward but the question remained.
As of late, I’ve picked up and challeneged myself to properly read a Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I read this book when I was in high school but just to say I’ve read it. I tend to read like a speeding bullet, only having a book in my hand for 2-6 hours and going on to the next. Yet, I just finished my third day and I’ve been contemplating what I read and my life as a whole. In the book, he discusses that our purpose is never truly filled our known until we focus on the eternal, God.
Looking back at this blog even, my reason for writing, and reason for school. I genuinely want to help people and be a voice to the voiceless but as well, ultimately be a light and example that reveals God. Never to force my beliefs but properly demonstrate that Christians are not the stereotype people say we are. As Well, Gee ology is the study of my life as well and how I see the world. All of this branches out to my short stories, poems, and thoughts.
Now, what I’m trying to relay is as follows, life is but a passing vapor. We spend our lives doing grand things and in honesty it isn’t bad, just when our focus is shifted from our purpose of who we are and can do, is it in peril. We need to stop and seriously think, why am I doing this? A life focused on what truly lasts or of purpose will not only motivate us but ultimately have us love the life meant for us. We struggle as a generation with doubt, self inflated egos but let us see that as the Sun rises it sets and what you accomplish here may not even be known across the world. Doesn’t mean to stop loving as if all is vain but know that as temporary as our life is, life is much more when centered to that which is eternal, love, truth, and etc.
We sit and reminisce, controlled by emotions. Looking for the perfect songs to describe and define these times. Instead of changing who we are and moving forward. Doesn’t mean we’ve moved on, just means we learn our worth. Though we try to stay close, distance is the prescription. You’re my addiction but you are not my home. My soul is destined to revolve in focus of God. Lessons learned so in turn I discern. My home is where my heart is and only God can fill that void. Poetry in motion and I just want you to know, youre not my world but you are my moon. Ocean calming me with tunes. You can spell out these letters I write. Our connection is beyond time so I put my trust in God. Only he can decide what will happen between me and you.
Rest in pieces, my mind is seeking peace. I no longer hear the demons but see them beyond reason. Reflection revealing the spirit in contract with magick. Contacting me by the scar that marks an entity on my sleeve. So keep asleep as Erebus arises from nibirus’ feet. Horus keeping his eyes on me. They were right in prophecy by the 23rd. The end begins when the shadow is resurrected. Split in two, my heart finding winter coming. Abbadon, the captain reciting what he promised. Yes, his name now known from that of Gydus Senrow, no more hiding. Visions in ancient language. Aladdin looking for his jasmine but wait I got distracted. Trying to hold on to God before I break his commandments to command men. Covering rivers with blood and becoming the prophet of the dragon. But these chains are broken and Christ said, in me…be. My brother, my servant, stop turning and yearning for worldly needs. In me you no longer need to keep suppressed by demonic beings. In me, know that I have defeated all trespasses and angels intercede. In me and with me you find peace. In me, with me, God truly….completes….I AM.
My faith does not summarize or determine my level of intelligence. My faith determines my perception of reality based on my experiences and truth revealed. Just as a piece of paper or years in a school doesn’t reveal my understanding of a certain subject.
I’ve met and debated countless of people in various fields and my own education has been the books in libraries or ebooks downloaded. Tbought I jave been mocked because I am a Christian, I’ve shown myself as one who is capable to defend his stance. Even now as I continue in my education, I hope to one day confidently stand amidst a collection of people and present the truth without any doubt of myself. This is one of the reasons why I hardly speak anymore, I wonder if I am capable or worthy of such a calling.
Don’t let your youth or convictions be judged by another, if you speak in truth, with love, continue to speak. These are words that God and others recite to me. Now I leave the charge as well to others. In an age where opinions are being treated as truth, speak against injustice, lies and corrupt ideologies.
I am Christian but this does not mean that I claim myself higher than others. In contrast, I know my faults and come humbly to God. But I must declare, my faith is no excuse for others to disregard my word’s.