Everything Will Be Ok

Allow me to speak honestly, it’s going to be ok. I’m not referring to anyone but allowing myself to see the words on this screen as a reminder, to pound it into myself. You can experience all of these thoughts and feel many types of emotions but guess what, you made it every other day. What makes today different? What is going through your mind? Is not God always by your side? 

Listen, no one is going to hold your hand and walk you through these things. Remember the nights you couldn’t sleep homeless? Remember the nights you had panic attacks? He was there, always. Friends came and helped you get through those things. Many people will come and go in life. Your life was never intended to be easy. To follow him, the call required you to die daily. It isn’t about you yet know that you are loved and cared for. 

How many days must you contemplate about the future not seeing the present? Does not the wind still blow and the sun rise? Remove all notions and know that these problems or situations are but a passing of time and you live for eternity. You’re one of the few who understands true love in its truest essence. Why do you act as if the light is not on at times? For you shine within and there is no spotlight on you as if you needed to showcase who you are. Continue to be a light and example. It is not your job to prove who you are not, you have been given a new heart and way of thought. Let not your emotions control you. 

Look at how far you’ve come, how far God has carried you. A mere boy lost in darkness to a man of good standing because of the life given. You are a king. Though you may feel discomfort in your mental, know that spiritually, you’re not alone. It can feel like you want to give up but what happens every time? New obstacles emerge and because of what you learned before, you sacrifice, grow, and push forward. You were made to lead. 

Did you not ask for wisdom and to not only know love but embody love as your own? Times will change and that is good, with each season you will embrace the weather and continue to live. You are not destined to please men, set your thoughts on the things of your Father. It’s going to be ok. It’s ok to feel, it’s ok to not be or reach a certain point others have rreached already. You are running your own course and path. Keep hearing the call and running the race, for we Chase not after victory but in joy of life.

Living Whole

Lately I’ve been standing at the deep end. Wondering if I’m asking the right questions. Speaking from my heart with the right intentions. Confessing the depression has me numb while repenting. I feel anxiety creeping. Blood starts seeping while dreaming. Can I talk to God or will People continue to say there’s no evidence of his existence? While I smile and in my head screaming. Feeling the emotions erupt my being. Because it was plan b from failing the acing. Racing so I don’t see the alphabet forming. Letters to God as the words pouring. Storms surging through descriptions spoken with beatings. Pressure inside consuming the tears so I can no longer cry. Another guy who looks up to the sky. Asking myself why, while I carry on through nights. Light entering corners of my eyes. Blinded to the possibilities. Remininscing as a broken record. Catching the tunes and melodies. Removing masks and facades, coming to God. Forgiven memories now delivered to my savings. So you can take it to the bank. I find my own thoughts and on my knees, I am free….I live for the king…no longer need to collect the pieces….

Unspoken but Written

For those wondering how I experience anxiety and depression, just a snippet.

I. It could of been different you know. The way the stars seem to write the story in the sky. Maybe I was made to cross the oceans of space. Time seems to cause me to burn of uncertainty and my heart yearns of wanting to know what could of been. Drawing me in the black hole that is my chest I reach for hands that will catch me. I rode with you but now I fall…

*delete*

II. I feel completely distraught, broken, I can’t explain what has overcome me…I embrace the darkness only to find that it even leaves me. Can you ask God to draw closer to me? Can you pray for me?

*delete*

III. Cast me and find me for I no longer can find my own conscious desire in this waking world. Can you see it? I guess you can’t, we hide behind such sweet lies that taste ravishly, hiding such a twisted mind. But I continue knowing my life is not mine to bear but made to serve others for I am not my own. Let it be an endless war til the coming of my king. Whisper words I wish to hear…

*Delete*

IV. Hey, how’s it been?! Life’s been good. Just wanted to see how you’ve been. It’s been awhile, love you. 🙂

*send*

– texts from a restless soul, wrestling anxiety and depression