Category Archives: depression

Surviving Happiness

We no longer know what happiness is.

I am right now laying on my bed and wondering what it means to be happy. I remember when it was 2 years ago and I wrote an article about how happiness is a state of mind. Yet to answer the question or even if I was to ask someone, why are you not happy, it would be difficult to answer.

I’ve been in the shoes where you feel as if life is filled with misery and sadness. The reality is that most of the times it just feels like there is a lot to take in. We spend our lives doing so much or feel like we are not doing enough. The world continues to plague us with either version and we let it affect it and blindly follow the lies with things that would try to fill the void. Some try to find it by building a connection to another person who is just the same as we are, others try to fill it with a sense of purpose and so they seek religion, a hobby, a sport, and etc. All throughout life, we try to interpret what it means to be happy and once we have a grasp of it and allow it to fill us when we return to the state from which we arrived in, we begin to look again. Some can say that they hold strongly to some sense of it and never let go, others spend their lives “fighting their demons”.

I have recently found myself in a constant state of uneasiness. It is not that I am not happy, it is more so, I am awaiting the wrecking ball that usually plagues my life, when will the happiness end.

I’m tired.

I have seen my life gone through its own version of hell from left to right without it ever ceasing and yet I continue to push through. There are days where I see my life continue in autopilot and yet I remain, smiling and acting like all is fine in the world. We try to cover up the fact at times that we are all just trying to survive and make it through at least one more day. We are never truly honest with others and those closest to us we merely share that we are “good”. Why are we so distant to one another when yet life is so short?

I cannot account for others but I do know that my life continues and no matter what thoughts may flourish, I try to hold on to what I have before me. I can spend my time worrying but to what avail. Happiness is a never-ending pursuit and the reality is that I no longer wish to just be happy.

I want to to be sad. I want to be mad. I want to rejoice. I want to be surprised. I want it all because the reality and in my complete honesty, it is what makes me who I am today, I am human.

Happiness is a drug that we become addicted to and through the optimism, we forgot everything else that allows us to share in the suffering with others, be empathetic, and etc so we could come together and understand one another.

I am willing to endure any pain. I am willing to endure life. It may get hard and there are times where I want to give up even but I know that there is much to live for still. There is much to love and even there is a time to be in love, even just that is worth fighting for. I am here, now, and though I may disappear or pass tomorrow. Today was worth fighting for and that is what makes me happy, I made it through today.

Breathe.

Spending hours passing times endless counts drawn in by anxious minds racing to meet the end.

Breathe.

Catch the warm air filling lungs as it hooks you to life’s intoxication where we begin to rise by day and rest in nights embrace.

Breathe.

Let the emotions of thoughts touch you as the wind brushing against your skin to reflect a day of yesterday.

Breathe.

Love shall find you in lights blissful awakening when you begin to share your inner glow.

Breathe.

Hold to truth and let it be known.

Breathe.

Presently present futures awaiting with numbers unforeseen but let it not impede or dissuade the changes faced.

Breathe.

You are alive.

Keep Going!

You wake up, get dressed and go on to your 9 to 5, maybe school first and then an overnight shift, second job, etc. The cycle becomes a bad nightmare, a reoccurring nightmare you wish to escape from. Maybe you will continue to buy those lottery tickets, scratch offs, and hit it big. Maybe you will get a call that a wealthy family member passed away and you inherited a fortune. Maybe but then again, more than likely, not.

I remember when I first began my blog, 24 years old with no clue. The writing was the passion and my sole purpose. Every single day I wrote elaborate stories, articles, and etc just to become recognized, have an audience. Almost 2 years since I first started calling myself a writer. A good portion of my life invested in jobs I am grateful to have had to help me pay expenses but for the most part, despised due to the nature of them. I grew to be someone I swore I would never become.

We have all had big dreams, some bigger than others, yet now as I watch the world unfold I’ve begun to truly see the benefits of never giving up.

I remember someone once told me that life was not meant for the dreamers but those who make things happen. It’s funny hearing or reading how successful people tell you how to become successful. Something we forget to consider is that people are different. A circumstance or opportunity will present itself only to one individual to help them realize who they are. Am I shutting down peoples dreams? By no means. I am merely trying to wake some people up from the delusion you see on Instagram, Facebook, and youtube with those motivational speakers telling you “how” to do things or why instead of reinforcing themselves and allow people to learn and grow for themselves. Sounds odd doesn’t it, here I am telling people to keep pushing and going at times but the reality is that you won’t listen to me unless you believe it yourself.

I’m an artist trying to get my name out there. A writer with no brand other than this blog and my art. I’ve been breaking the limitations I once had and am pushing myself past what I thought possible. I am painting abstract now, perfecting my poetry and sharpening my skills as a writer. Now, of course, I have much to learn but I still keep going because I know that I love writing and growing.

I may not be the next Shakespeare, da Vinci and etc but I am who I am and my name means more to me than anyone can judge me for. I don’t do what I do for an audience but because I love to do it. I know my value and if others recognize and support me for it then, by all means, I appreciate it all and will support them as well.

This may have been longer but this had to be written. I’ve seen a world ravaged by anxiety and depression, even within myself. But I keep going and I also present to others to do the same. Life was not made to try to reach to a point at all times but to truly find who you are, accept it, share it with others, and love, truly love. I believe this is the ultimate form of success, not what you can gain from the world but what you can give to it. This is Geeology just sharing another message. Much love and be blessed all.

Choices In Fate

We’ve heard the sayings ringing out like a choir performing an epic verse to a song, “If it’s meant to be, it will be” or even, “whatever is yours will find its way to you.”. The believers of fate proclaiming that fate drives us all to a predestined plan set in motion since the beginning of time. Others, who hold to a kore skeptical belief, swear we make our own destiny and fate, choosing the choices we make in life.

I will be honest in stating that I used to believe in fate. There were moments when I believed in luck but as my years have advanced, I know that for the most part, we choose our choices and life. Now this does not mean I’m a skeptical to a grand plan set by God. I have stated it before that I am a believer. I just know that things don’t just happen or that. Now sure, I can say that God has a plan for me and I can abide in His will, I also know I can choose to follow my own path.

I was recently discussing this with my girlfriend about how we can say that it was “fate” but in the reality is, we never truly know. I could have chosen 20 different paths or choices that would have had me working somewhere else or not even being able to meet her, for instance. I am not defined by where I am now but ultimately where I choose to be or do.

Ive heard and seen people get depressed or become anxious because they have stated that they are fated for greatness, everyone wants to be a star and yet never realize their own potential or limitations. Not everyone will be an entrepreneur, unlike what society teaches now. People are a collective that each, individually, come together to help us all come as a whole to what we call society. People that bag pur food, collect trash, teach our children, help maintain electricity to the city and etc.

I believe that fate is not essentially what the movies or people have claimed it to be. I feel like fate is but a word only when it is used in focus of the self, placing yourself as the god of your own world, an idol. Now I do believe, God will place certain people and situations but ultimately it is our choice to decide what we do when presented, this is in no way associated with salvation but in life. I still hold to the reformed mindset that we are saved by grace through faith but that faith is given to us when our hearts are opened, but this is my understanding of scripture. As the rest goes, I feel like we lose focus of the grand scheme, it is not about us, let fate to and live your life to the fullest and you will find the life that have pictured wouof be destiny.

Each Breath

You never truly notice each breath you take. Now sure, you reading this, start to count and observe each passing breath. The air that fills your lungs or escapes your body continues without your full attention.

Let’s step back for a moment and begin to see the intricacy of life. Without all the weighted perception or distractions thrown at us, we see the complexity. With all of this said, life shows us that even without our full focus, it continues.

I’ve tried to mask my feelings before in a variety of ways, work, art, and etc. Amidst the turmoil I would either ignore, push to the side, or try to disregard, until I was ready to face them, life would continue. This whole realization that each passing breath was more than my body functioning as intended, I saw it as the reality, we are truly alive.

It shouldn’t come as a shock, we are born, do this or that, you can insert a blank, life doesn’t stop because someone dies. Each breath reveals the struggles we’ve overcome, the happiness we have felt, and etc. We are in fact surviving and growing.

If I told you I could remember the details of every find memory to the minimalist of details, you would think I’m crazy. I know some people who quickly respond, “Lucius, don’t waste your breath.”. I tend to try to use as much of the life I’ve been given to help reshape the world. Even recording an episode from the podcast, talking about peace, I would breath knowing I am here, now, alive, so why not use the best of my time.

We truly don’t know when it’s going to be the last breath we take. We don’t know the last breath before a big switch will happen in our lives. All we know is that people who learn to control their breathing, find that they could push through further. Now I’m writing all of this using parables. First thing a boxer, runner, and etc learn is to control your breathing, if not, you will tire easily. This can be seen with everything about life. Life is not measured by how much it “throws” at you but your perception to it based on the truth seen or tested and guess what, within all of that, we are ourselves are tested.

We are told that life is like running a race. What is causing you to be out of breath, what causes difficulty to breathe, what can be drawn from the air around us? Learn to breathe and with every breath you take, know it is a gift. Remember, breathe, everything will be ok. God is the life giver and he allows us to breathe. Take in every breath and keep going.

Struggling Mind

Let’s take time to acknowledge the fact that mental disorders aren’t a new trend. I hear the terms being thrown as if it was a joke, like “omg, I’m so bipolar…I’m depressed…”. There are moments we can joke about some things but do not diminish or forget how serious it can be.

Being someone who fights depression and anxiety daily, it isn’t a walk in the park. You don’t just walk outside and say, “I won’t be depressed today..”. People are suicidal, schizophrenic, mpd, ptsd, etc. As much as we help those who go through physical illnesses we also need to support those with mental ones. I remember hearing a quote that I can’t recall who said it, “If your mind is not whole, your body can suffer.”. There can be those who struggle with these things without anyone noticing. It is ok to speak to someone about it, you’re not alone.

I can be vocal about it because though I endure it, I am not them (my disorder, depression, etc), it does not ultimately define me. We can get mad at certain things or people, but what we can do is help them get the help they need. It is not a weakness if you need to see someone about what you have or take something for it. We’re human and even if, for example, myself, being a Christian, we act like we can reach perfection. No, we will fail and go through things, A.W. Tozer was an influential preacher who suffered from severe depression. It is true we find comfort and peace in God, as humans though we will still struggle with our daily lives and state we’re in.

You are all beautiful and strong, keep hanging on brothers and sisters, do not be afraid.

Changed Life

There comes a point in your life when you realize you aren’t OK. It’s actually a mystery to me, even though it continuously happens to me. It isn’t really any self discovery or hidden, profound vision revealed. You just know, everything around you, who you are, it feels out of place. The reality is we are scared of change.

I’m a 26 year old man. I’m not married, I don’t have kids, I prefer not to drink anymore or entertain drugs, I don’t party, consider myself Christian and even with my mental unstable tendencies, I’m genuinely happy, apart from a usual episode. One could stereotype me though I fall into no category, a wild card. A Dominican who’s also Asian. I myself have always longed for control. I would talk about the past to reveal my place in the present, as if that gained me the right to manipulate others and build my own future.

I honestly don’t know what tomorrow will hold. I’ve lost friends and lived past dreams I once thought would be seen reality. 26 years, wow, it makes you wonder. Time flies past us so quick. We worry about days and yet when we blink it is as if the problems of yesterday don’t compare to today’s. We get so caught up wanting some things to stay the same that we don’t grow. I could say that I’m living on borrowed time, I once believed I wasn’t going to see 25. Yet time is not mine to have or hold. Time comes and goes and when we can’t move alongside it, we become stuck. This is one of the biggest inspirations of my book, Kairos.

There will always be moments in our lives that define us but they do not determine the outcome. My past will never dictate who I am today. This is something God has revealed to me. Change is necessary, change will hurt. When you finally get up off that couch and find purpose. We always say we don’t do it for others but ourselves, I’m here to tell you that’s not all true. “3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

As I sat down and watched the episodes of the Flash and Black Lightning, something triggered within me again. These heroes we see on tv, though fantasy, hold a significant message, it is more than just us. True love breeds sacrifice.

We can be selfish and indulge in what we truly desire, we can long for what, who we truly want but is it what we need? There are times where we learn our self worth, I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m saying it isn’t enough. We will constantly fail. We can chase after grand things, be famous people, reminisce memories, but we will come to realize the truth. Change is not some grand transformation, it is living, truly being alive. Being unafraid of what you truly feel, finding you need to put in those extra hours to feed your kids and not go clubbing, it is dropping that bottle to see the damage your doing and embracing the pain to grow, it is ultimately facing reality and surviving.

I could recommend some fancy words or a ten step program, I could give you motivational books, I could also tell you that you need to find the answers yourself. The truth is, we are lost and need a guide. I could tell you I found true change in God, even if mocked or seen as foolish. But from all the theories and notions of who I envisioned and claimed I changed into, I was never truly changed til I saw my life was being wasted apart from Him. I cannot ultimately tell everyone what to do in life, all I know is we are scared to change, even if we claim we’re transcending, evolving, we are just returning to our nature which is of a sinful one, one where death reigns. For me, I rather change because I know life is more than this or myself.

Helladays


After a long two weeks of pushing my body to the limit, hearing screams and compliants, I made it, I’m alive.

Working retail is exactly what you hear about. Working management makes it seem tougher. Though I’m not like the managers people talk about, I still am considered the manager and I’m used to the backlash of employees and customers. 

I worked a consecutive 90+ hours one week and just finished the week before Christmas-which is Today-94 hours and not including Christmas eve.

Am I crazy? Is iy really worth it? The paycheck that I will see at the end of the week? I can’t really answer that but for the very first time I am exhausted. I’ve stated it before and I can’t believe it to be true but my body is actually slowing down. I’m used to doing things that push me to my limits and as my brain speeds up, my mental health getting better from depression and anxiety, my body is feeling the strain of all the years overworked.

It is a miracle that I made it through this year’s season. Being low on staff, hardly eating at all, sleeping 3-4 hours and working 12-21 hours a day. It also taught me something that has disappointed me and shifted my views about people today. We call it helladays at work.

People are truly consumed into materialism. I met some good people who understood how tired we were while others and mostly all other people, mind you-who were late shoppers-were completely numb to emotions. Christians who swear to representing the day to Christ would throw a fit because of lines at stores and many people who swear they are “good”, fueled by greed or anger. Then like a day after all shopping is said and done, when we get together with family, they forget. People who swear I ruined their Christmas because of the present they couldn’t get when outside of Christianity the view of Christmas is being around family and appreciating others we love, as a gift. 

But, of course, I’ll hear people say merry Christmas, the occasional texts. Which my response is always, “yea, you too”. The thing is, I still hold to everyday being the same. I don’t celebrate holidays and yes, I do see Christmas as a pagan holiday. Coming from the occult, I have seen all the dark roots of various traditions and shifts of rituals into our daily practices. In today’s world, new age consciousness has pervaded even the church and schools. 

But I can say something as well, I found myself thinking about what I truly am grateful. I’m embarrassed to say I’m grateful for certain things but for the most part, I’m happy I experienced them. For one, my niece has given me the fuel to keep going apart from God. Though I haven’t been as strong in the faith, I know I must trust in Him and continue to follow His path. I’ve let go of social media which based on who I am, it is a trap for depression and anxiety, a way for me to lose focus and so I detached from being “connected”. Though I can honestly say I’m not too fond of my job now, it has allowed me to break free from my insecurities and allowing me to talk to people without being afraid. My ex, though our differences, time and distance now, I can say I’m grateful and still hold her close in mind because I saw my flaws and grew as a man, the one she knew I could be and I’m still growing. 

Overall, this post is not only my account of the holidays but also, people in general. Though I may not hold your views, with the coming new year’s, life comes and goes. Be grateful of who you have and what you have, don’t let yourself become consumed by what the culture promotes or society. Gee_ology signing out, boom, let’s go!

Words in Action

“It’s easier said than done.”

We hear the constant words drilled into our heads, being built with firm foundations. The master builder or the creator himself giving shape to the people we are meant to be if we all Him to.

What comes to mind, words and action.

I’ve been at a loss and quite frankly, perplexed at my role as an individual in society. I feel “lost”. It is like I don’t fit in the norm or even what many describe as the “culture”. Now sure, I can have some stereotypes, I’m Asian so I love anime, I’m Dominican so I like bachata, and etc. Beyond that, there is more that meets the eye.

I don’t know how many times I will say it, I prefer that I stand out but as well, as of late, I feel some anxiety coming in. I haven’t been on social media for some time now and wonder how my friends are. Though I could text them, it seems that, just like me, we only text when it is convenient. I find myself hearing people talk about things happening in the world and I’m also out of it. I don’t watch t.v. nor pay mind to mainstream news (I’m a truther, remember, what you may call a conspiracy but). Through it all it has got me to think about my choices in life.

I’m usually one of those people who contemplates and reflects his choices and yet I know God is telling me to trust in him. The reality is, I tend to instill my ego and pride. I am good at getting things done or ignoring what I feel, which causes me to be cold.

I am literally writing from my tub and letting the water hit me while I write this on my phone(waterproof casing). I got home from another long shift and time seems to be speeding up. My life seems to be going nowhere fast and I ask myself, maybe I should be doing something bigger right now.

Should I have already had 3 books, my blog with thousands of followers, people commenting, podcast with tons of downloads, and etc by now?

I’m good at saying things like, “Be Present” but we are left with these questions. I ask myself this a lot, are we truly present?

I come to God with an open heart asking what is His will. Every time I think I know, it ends up being my own desires that ultimately fail me. What will change? What is there to change? Am I allowing myself to be changed? These are all questions that pound into my head. For the first time in a long time, I do feel lost and alone.

I feel like an outcast. I don’t blink of I get zero reads or views on articles since this has transitioned to a journal as well. When I write, I feel escape and a sense of relief from this world. I ultimately wake up and am appalled by how society has become warped. Yet here I am, voicing my own opinions through the best way I know how, writing.

This all may seem like a jumbled up array of words compiled to make sense. I mean am I supposed to write a detailed post with pictures and funny sentences, maybe a gif, to keep the reader entertained? Or am I truly supposed to write and let my soul paint the picture with words, allowing my own story, notions, or feelings come to pass. I feel limited by following guidelines. Trust me, I’ve read at least a hundred on starting a blog or bringing in an audience. It’s just that, I feel like if I was to do all that, I would lose myself, My style.

I’m not famous. I’m not like everyone else. I’m a 26 year old man that believes in true love while being single. I’m a blogger/writer/poet that hasn’t gone to college or honestly, dropped out. I haven’t the faintest clue in my next steps other than doing God’s will. I know I will continue to write, motivate, inspire, and though I have certain goals, I cannot allow my life to be plagued by anxiety anymore.

Call me what you will but I refuse to be a lost boy who never grows up, fascinated by the world. So then in turn I’m not lost, just like Tolkien quoted, “Not all who wander are lost”. I will not be captivated and be a zombie looking down on his phone all the time. I will not waste my time doing things I consider unproductive. I want to truly change the world and if I am an outcast then it is true what Jesus said, I am not from this world and if the world hated Him, then it will hate me too. I rather stand for what I believe and be built on form foundations.