My heart has never felt tranquility. Bombarded by stings of pressure instilled by emotions. Compressed chest caved in by memories. Numb to the pain as trampled by many. Though my damage as well left scars on others. My past is not presented to be present or find future. Let my heart shine anew as a star reborn. Each pump strengthened as the repairs are made. Find me now holding it close, weary who may see its value. A treasure now hidden though shining as the scars open and seep on this paper. Deep wounds I have long forgotten or is it a desire to be touched? A warmth once again to be felt or will it be left in dust? Must the fire and Phoenix of my soul be born again to fuel the passions or desires? Will the wolf howl alone moonless nights seeking company to be full? Such questions though I’ve learned to be love and share love from the core. My joy is not found in another. Though these words reveal a tragedy my story continues. And so I continue in exodus until my revelation and find peace, maybe one day falling asleep and awakening to my Eve, but for now I continue following the King.
You may always stare at the mirror wondering what’s missing. If that certain someone will bring a deeper connection. But please listen, you are not a part, you are not missing something. You are royalty. If they cannot see your worth, it is not about proving it to them.
Continue to shine. There isn’t “the one”, a soulmate. Touch your skin, feel your heart beat, your heart is your own. What you share is who you are, time, and commitment. If you think you can find it in someone else you will be lost. Your identity is found at the source of truth and love. Fill yourself with this and watch as it shall overflow to others and attract like-minded people. You are a treasure.
(First spoken word that’s going to be recorded)
Isn’t funny how we trying to feel a hundred? Get the money with no plans? But then we do and then waste a 20 to bottle up with no stance? Seeking money and watching it slip from our hands? Looking at plates we conceived that will return in fees by pleas in grands. While we appeal to egos and present the world with brands. Taking looks at books to help us pocket but we still can’t touch change. So we pop it, rock it, releasing disappointment and stress as we drop it. Yet who we are, our character, our family, we can’t bank. Saving who we are. The love of it, root of all evil. But we remain controlled because corporations have invested in people. You need this, you’ll want that. You are not beautiful unless you add the mask. You should buy the new jams, smoke the grams, if not you’re not a man. You’re not successful if you don’t make 6 figures to get digits. How far have we come? To believe the American dream is reached by keeping asleep or that a dream is reached by being American? You are beautiful, you are worthy. Your skin doesn’t decide your future and if it troubles another then reach out to your brothers and overcome the hate with love. A revolution isnt about war but the transformation of the soul. Rebuking injustice. We are not the world, this is the Earth. We’re kings and queens, rulers at birth. Escape the bondage and find truth. Because dearly, I share this with a broken heart restored…I have love for you….seek the change.
Lately I’ve been standing at the deep end. Wondering if I’m asking the right questions. Speaking from my heart with the right intentions. Confessing the depression has me numb while repenting. I feel anxiety creeping. Blood starts seeping while dreaming. Can I talk to God or will People continue to say there’s no evidence of his existence? While I smile and in my head screaming. Feeling the emotions erupt my being. Because it was plan b from failing the acing. Racing so I don’t see the alphabet forming. Letters to God as the words pouring. Storms surging through descriptions spoken with beatings. Pressure inside consuming the tears so I can no longer cry. Another guy who looks up to the sky. Asking myself why, while I carry on through nights. Light entering corners of my eyes. Blinded to the possibilities. Remininscing as a broken record. Catching the tunes and melodies. Removing masks and facades, coming to God. Forgiven memories now delivered to my savings. So you can take it to the bank. I find my own thoughts and on my knees, I am free….I live for the king…no longer need to collect the pieces….
The days I come to pray the devil sees me as prey and tries to lead me in disarray. Dismayed by my failures until God’s grace is displayed. Then I return knowing, grabbing the sword and laying, slaying. Basking in his radiance, embracing his fragrance. My God, faith in you, how amazing. Saving savior bestowing my penalties. Crooked intentions now forgiven, made anew and tested by your sovereignty. Honestly giving others poetry for it is the revelation. shown as the portrayal of my souls restoration. I give them the truth, truth of you, only way, life and salvation…Jesus.
It’s funny, looking back at all the reckless things I did in my life. I remember the nights I went out with certain friends or stayed at their place to drink. I remember the days I would smoke and find the need for peace of mind by the “green”. Amidst it all, a substance or really anything became my addiction.
My mind is a constant storm that shifts through the weather of life. I used to think by abstaining from things forcefully I could find control. It was to my own failure that I saw that it wasn’t what I was doing but truly, why I was doing it that needed to change.
Recently I’ve debated with myself about various things in my life from using social media to debauchery and etc. It’s been quite awhile since I drank to the point that I lost my senses. Now close to 2 years since I smoked weed and bout a year and a half since I was physically with someone. Throughout these time spans in my walk to understanding who I am, I’ve learned to be sober minded. To learn who I am and in turn learn that I have control.
Ultimately I decide the choices that I will take, even though my mental issues may come into play. I know as well that God continues to shape me and I grow accordingly. My choice now to drink to a certain limit and to be celibate until or if I find someone and marry them, is me being sober in mind. To properly be logical not only who I am but how I affect others as well, how I use my time and etc.
I believe this is what Paul spoke about in the bible or the revelation that people see after being sober for a moment. You truly do begin to see with a clearer focus. Though I do understand some needs medically for some things, in speaking about anything not just drugs, being controlled by it. I have struggled with many things from sex, drugs, pornography, social media and etc, especially being an ex narcissist. But like scripture says, God is transforming me but as well, I must take charge at times and set my mind on other things. Things in this world would give temporary solutions but never something permanent. In turn, I’m focused now in making sure that I remain sober. Sober minded in not only who I am and having control of my life, but properly helping others, coming to God and focusing on things that will truly last.
What is our purpose? An interesting question to start off this post/article. I spent years before trying to come up with an answer. Apart from my studies in the occult, in the world, no self help book allowed me to properly attain that peace of mind with an answer.
I remember reading somewhere how we are told to love ourselves and that we are of worth and then I asked, but for what? We store the treasures and attain a level of richness we seem worthy and still desire more. We push ourselves to be known and have a legacy but as time continues, records are broken and our limits overcome by another. Yet, this never stopled me and I continued to push forward but the question remained.
As of late, I’ve picked up and challeneged myself to properly read a Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I read this book when I was in high school but just to say I’ve read it. I tend to read like a speeding bullet, only having a book in my hand for 2-6 hours and going on to the next. Yet, I just finished my third day and I’ve been contemplating what I read and my life as a whole. In the book, he discusses that our purpose is never truly filled our known until we focus on the eternal, God.
Looking back at this blog even, my reason for writing, and reason for school. I genuinely want to help people and be a voice to the voiceless but as well, ultimately be a light and example that reveals God. Never to force my beliefs but properly demonstrate that Christians are not the stereotype people say we are. As Well, Gee ology is the study of my life as well and how I see the world. All of this branches out to my short stories, poems, and thoughts.
Now, what I’m trying to relay is as follows, life is but a passing vapor. We spend our lives doing grand things and in honesty it isn’t bad, just when our focus is shifted from our purpose of who we are and can do, is it in peril. We need to stop and seriously think, why am I doing this? A life focused on what truly lasts or of purpose will not only motivate us but ultimately have us love the life meant for us. We struggle as a generation with doubt, self inflated egos but let us see that as the Sun rises it sets and what you accomplish here may not even be known across the world. Doesn’t mean to stop loving as if all is vain but know that as temporary as our life is, life is much more when centered to that which is eternal, love, truth, and etc.