Done, I finish writing. Closing my laptop I continue to hear the tv in the background. I grab my phone and move on towards scrolling down news feeds. The only sounds around me is the tv so I allow my phone to play music. I open up contacts and text my best friend. As I wait for replies I flip through channels and turn on the 3ds. I stop abruptly, a quote catches my eye as I’m scrolling,
“writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t want to do something else.” – Gloria Steilman
I remember a verse from scripture now.
“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me” (John 15:4).
What am I doing? The thought plagues me all day and now I write.
Distractions. We are surrounded by them but what I never truly considered was consistency. My friends know me to be the “funny” guy. I make puns, am literally and like to joke around. People know me as the conspiracy theorist and so on. But there is a list, I’ve heard it before, I’m an extremist but as well what I now see it as, is I’m not really consistent.
I jump around topics, go off in a tangent, and it would seem, that even apart from my narcissistic tendencies I have escaped from, I’m still getting a hold of who I am. I’m fighting with myself more than I could handle. Days I am motivational and others I allow my depression or anxiety to take hold, though I hold to my sanity. I would always believe it to be multi tasking when in fact I was never deeply rooted.
I like to put on a lot for myself, not realizing that the weight is heavy. I’ve slowly begun noticing the triggers to my OCD. In turn, I’ve changed a few things about me. One key thing is knowing I cant really ne in control of my future, no matter what I do. In this sense, as well, I’ve reduced what I swore I should be doing.
I have found myself being so busy that in reality I am doing so much that in reality, I’m doing nothing at all. I tend to lose sight of things, being bombarded by so much going on and trying to follow it. And so the verse from scripture was ringing into my ears. How much or for how long have I said I will abide in God but truly just place it as another side project. Like some of my writing, where I take parts of my time but never really dwelling deeply within.
I come to realize that being extreme or random is truly not beneficial. Consistency is truly of value. To have a mind that wanders or always open it reveals there is no ground or true foundation. I need to rest and reside with a firm standing, deeply rooted so that I may not stumble or fall. It is not about being a mystery to others nor seeming like I’m crazy. I truly wish to show others that I lead by example. That I teach love, truth, and have a firm understanding. Deeply rooted in God, will be consistent and focus on the task at hand; taking the necessary steps, one at a time, to climb.