Burning fire, find me in reason of means thought forgotten. Why must this flame keep my heart ablaze? Sparks ignited by reminiscing passings days of old. Bring me clear focus to determine the cause. Find me at odds searching to what lifts me off balance. Endless mystery held by such a word or confusion has entered into my weary soul. Fingers interlocked once upon, with space increasing in present notions of time. Brushed surface beyond exterior complexions or expressions. Seek it thus, is not the promise eternal which I swore? As I grow, may I indeed be led and lead. May I once again say I have what is held. Consuming blaze, engulf me with breaths I have not forgotten. Warmed embrace, I speak as one with open heart laid to find solace. Keep me in infinite promise.
“It’s easier said than done.”
We hear the constant words drilled into our heads, being built with firm foundations. The master builder or the creator himself giving shape to the people we are meant to be if we all Him to.
What comes to mind, words and action.
I’ve been at a loss and quite frankly, perplexed at my role as an individual in society. I feel “lost”. It is like I don’t fit in the norm or even what many describe as the “culture”. Now sure, I can have some stereotypes, I’m Asian so I love anime, I’m Dominican so I like bachata, and etc. Beyond that, there is more that meets the eye.
I don’t know how many times I will say it, I prefer that I stand out but as well, as of late, I feel some anxiety coming in. I haven’t been on social media for some time now and wonder how my friends are. Though I could text them, it seems that, just like me, we only text when it is convenient. I find myself hearing people talk about things happening in the world and I’m also out of it. I don’t watch t.v. nor pay mind to mainstream news (I’m a truther, remember, what you may call a conspiracy but). Through it all it has got me to think about my choices in life.
I’m usually one of those people who contemplates and reflects his choices and yet I know God is telling me to trust in him. The reality is, I tend to instill my ego and pride. I am good at getting things done or ignoring what I feel, which causes me to be cold.
I am literally writing from my tub and letting the water hit me while I write this on my phone(waterproof casing). I got home from another long shift and time seems to be speeding up. My life seems to be going nowhere fast and I ask myself, maybe I should be doing something bigger right now.
Should I have already had 3 books, my blog with thousands of followers, people commenting, podcast with tons of downloads, and etc by now?
I’m good at saying things like, “Be Present” but we are left with these questions. I ask myself this a lot, are we truly present?
I come to God with an open heart asking what is His will. Every time I think I know, it ends up being my own desires that ultimately fail me. What will change? What is there to change? Am I allowing myself to be changed? These are all questions that pound into my head. For the first time in a long time, I do feel lost and alone.
I feel like an outcast. I don’t blink of I get zero reads or views on articles since this has transitioned to a journal as well. When I write, I feel escape and a sense of relief from this world. I ultimately wake up and am appalled by how society has become warped. Yet here I am, voicing my own opinions through the best way I know how, writing.
This all may seem like a jumbled up array of words compiled to make sense. I mean am I supposed to write a detailed post with pictures and funny sentences, maybe a gif, to keep the reader entertained? Or am I truly supposed to write and let my soul paint the picture with words, allowing my own story, notions, or feelings come to pass. I feel limited by following guidelines. Trust me, I’ve read at least a hundred on starting a blog or bringing in an audience. It’s just that, I feel like if I was to do all that, I would lose myself, My style.
I’m not famous. I’m not like everyone else. I’m a 26 year old man that believes in true love while being single. I’m a blogger/writer/poet that hasn’t gone to college or honestly, dropped out. I haven’t the faintest clue in my next steps other than doing God’s will. I know I will continue to write, motivate, inspire, and though I have certain goals, I cannot allow my life to be plagued by anxiety anymore.
Call me what you will but I refuse to be a lost boy who never grows up, fascinated by the world. So then in turn I’m not lost, just like Tolkien quoted, “Not all who wander are lost”. I will not be captivated and be a zombie looking down on his phone all the time. I will not waste my time doing things I consider unproductive. I want to truly change the world and if I am an outcast then it is true what Jesus said, I am not from this world and if the world hated Him, then it will hate me too. I rather stand for what I believe and be built on form foundations.
Don’t worry I’m alive. I haven’t written in 4 days Which is odd for me. I typically write or post every 2 days now. Please don’t be mad *bows in forgiveness*.
I’ve been working like crazy these past few days. I haven’t had a day off til today and a good chunk of that is taken off due to podcast day. But as well, I worked a 20 hour shift Sunday and just got off another 15 hour shift. *drumroll* I’m not dead.
I’ve rarely felt exhaustion. Usually people tell me I’m an Android and I don’t rest but surprise surprise, I can feel my body ache, I feel myself tired. It’s funny, I never thought I would see the day.
My brother posted a pic similar to the one above, to express how he felt after he learned I passed out when I got home on Sunday; only to sleep 3 hours and head back to work. Everyone wonders why I push myself and though it may seem I voice my opinion strongly, I am just honest.
The reality is that I’ve been in the dumps-Not the actual place- where I am mentally, physically, and spiritual broke, used, work out. Fighting depression has never been easy. Having OCD is not something to boast about as well. Anxiety is even worst in my opinion. Now mash that all up and you have me. Yet, none of this reveals that I endured being homeless in the past.
I will not allow myself to reach a point in my life where I am struggling and Don’t know where to turn. I don’t believe in giving up nor in just letting life pass me by. There are things I still need to do and places to go. Now I’m not saying that this is what happens with homeless people. What I’m saying is, is that I know what drives me.
God, family, my goals. It is in this exact order and if I’m blessed enough to find my significant other, then she will be considered family but above a bit (maybe she’s reading this *laughs*). God has instilled a drive to do everything as if I was doing it for Him. My family is my treasure and I’ve learned that no riches can compare. Last, my goals of being a writer and speaker/teacher to help/teach others who struggle in life.
I say it many times that my focus is clear now. I may lose vision at times or it might be blurred but I know that God will guide me. I can be tired and know that this job as a manager is not something to die over. I know I would be replaced but as well I am a hard worker. I’ve learned the value not only in things, people, but also myself.
I will continue to smile and be driven by the force that allows me to grow as a man. To lead others to come to a similar mindset and truly grow as people. It is never about having no time but what drives us to keep going, for me they are what I stayed because I’ve learned that without these, everything else is vain. I ask then, what drives you?
I cannot compare to the moon, stars, or the sun. For do we not stand as our own? Let them reflect or bask upon your own beauty. When has the sun hidden behind a cloud because you arose and your smile gave new light to my soul? Was it not in this very morning? Poetry knows not such intrusion you have caused within my world. The forces drawn not of orbit or gravity but the pull towards you keeps me in motion. But find me not lost within emotions splendored in infinite bliss. I have come to understand my reason and shall lead when the foundation is built. Carry on and mark my words but see the trail I embark in steps toward the future. Must you part ways or steady yourself to hold me as we take action together. Tales have been interwoven and locked in bindings of stories not of my own. I cannot grasp at meanings where who I define and see goes beyond the characters drawn. Let my voice roar and see me lead to victory in pursuit. My cause is not to conquer but rule beside my queen the lands we have gained by our struggles. Is it then a paradox? All that we have overcome to stand before our king and bask in His love? Or must I remember that it has yet to pass and I await the future in wait as I am shaped to the man intended to be? Let it be known, await for me and worry not for time has no limitation. I am on my way and together we shall head home.
If you’re in pursuit of a dream, let me wake you up to reality.
Become part of my team and shoot for the goals.
If you’re looking for love, allow me to reveal the beauty within.
Take me by the hand and accept a piece of me.
If you’re feeling alone, know that you are a part of my world, welcome home.
Love is rare while hate is common.
The very sentence sends shivers down my spines when I feel it being said. I’m a 26 year old man plagued by questions from people wondering when I would find someone to tie the knot with. As the passing years pull me closer to my aging future, my old soul keeps afloat.
I’ve wrestled with the idea of love ever since I was child. Growing up I fell in love with the idea of love and romance. Romcoms seemed to revolve around me and I believed in the illusion. Even now, much older and with a better grip at life, I understand my position as a man.
I’ve said it countless of times, being who I am, now I think, I tend to be seen as the mysterious type of guy. Some women find me attractive just by how I am or my sense of humor but as they get closer, know me for who I am, they tend to back off as I reveal who I am.
I’m an old soul that holds strongly to placing his trust on God and life. I have my shortcomings and though I may not be pulling in 6 figures, I work hard and love my family. That being said, when I seem separated by their train of thought or not really a part of the “culture” it seems unattractive. I remember talking to this woman who was shocked when I told her I didn’t use Snapchat or Instagram. Is it really so shocking I rather not engage in that medium?
I have not put off the notion that I should pursue a wife. Scripture has laid it out for me and with proper discernment, I know one day I will meet her.
I remember daydreaming about my future queen being sleeping beauty and asleep or caught in the illusions of what love has been defined. I come in as a fellow prince or knight, sword beside me and I go up to her and carry her away.
What made me think about intimacy as of late was something my friend mentioned when I hung out with her. We were discussing my recent endeavors with love. I explained how things just didn’t really click as of late or it could be I wasn’t really trying. She said, “Maybe it’s because you still need to grow and learn from the experience with my ex.”. I responded with, “Which one?”, which she exclaimed, “the only one that mattered, that broke your heart and made you cry. The one that showed you true love. Maybe you are scared to open up and experience that again?”.
It made me think about the choices I’ve made regarding women who approach me. People say I hardly smile but when I open up, I am lovable and friendly. I’ve built this wall again that I swore was never going to form. It doesn’t do anyone justice or is fair. Everyone is not the same and I understood I needed to change as a person, grow and with that said, allow different relationships to flourish, not just an intimate one.
For now, I don’t want nor do I need the things of fairy tales. I’m not looking to rescue a princess, nor a fair maiden. I don’t ask for forever nor eternity, just now or until death. I’ve played those games and recited those eloquent words. I’ve invested trying to be someone I’m not to impress someone. I’ve tried saying the right things. I read countless articles and books about how to be with someone, maintain a relationship. I could care less for any of that. All I ask is someone who loves me for who I am and will not leave when things get tough.
“Love is patient, love is kind…”, the verse and words of scripture resonates within me. It would seem the common thing we experience is not being alone but wanting to share the company with another.
I’m a perfectly imperfect person searching for purpose and driven in service. I have no shame in who I am. I actually am confident and if I don’t like something, I change it. I’m as raw and honest as you’ll ever see. I didn’t understand that before but now I do. It’s good being me because in the end I’m too unique and there is only one of me. I don’t need to be someone else or wish to be them. I prefer my random, goofy, wise self. If you can’t accept me, then don’t act like it. I’m not here to impress people but shine and be the King I was meant to be. I have a good and bad side but I hope you can see beyond that. To love, live, share, teach, and lead in truth. I may be known as different names but I’m still me. I am Gee a.k.a Lucius.