Category Archives: random thoughts

Studying a Piece of Me

I’ve been extremely busy. Work has had me working to the point that as soon as I get home, I just want to lay in bed and talk to my girl.

It’s crazy how life moves around in such ways that you you perceive it all to be just a fluid motion. I was looking back at past events and a lot has been on my mind because of it all.

I’ve been writing poetry more frequently but I haven’t posted it just yet. I’ve been trying to get it sold and published on a site. But I also haven’t just keep anyone that follows me, “up to date”.

Life’s been good. No grand issues or unresolved tensions masquerading as smiles. My OCD tried to peer in and I was worried for a moment how I would be perceived by my girlfriend. It tends to scare people. Some people cannot differentiate between short temper and OCD. For those who know about OCD, you know that it isn’t simply keeping organized and etc, there are different kinds.

With all of this being said, I will push through and keep writing. If you like what you read and wish to see more, communicate with me about something I post, just contact me or comment. I’m always happy to engage readers. I will continue to post my art as well as my words interwoven to create a reflection of who I am.

Unexpected Twist

I feel like God likes throwing us curve balls. We think we can calculate every aspect of our day to fit into our schedules. We hang them on the walls, create notifications and alarms when it arrives, yet we don’t notice were slaves to time.

It isn’t even just about time, we want things to work in our favor and the reality is, we don’t have control. I’ve to conclusion that as much as we try to live, we will fail every time, it isn’t about trying, but doing. Cue the star wars memes of Yoda training Luke. I even remember quoting the green master Jedi in one of my posts last year.

My life isn’t complicated, a lot of people see that I’m busy but I’ve grown so accustomed to my lifestyle that I still feel like I’m not doing anything. I practice what few know as polyphasic sleep: sleeping in intervals instead of a long regulated sleep. Typically it ranges from 4-6 hours. Add this to my intermittent fasting and you will get a clear picture why my friends believe I’m a vampire or Android.

From the moment my alarm goes off, my day is planned to the very last second, now, I still get distracted but not to the point that I lose time I use for my main tasks. Even my life was planned before.

Here comes the curve ball.

I’ve been talking to and dating someone. I never thought it would be possible. I actually wasn’t really looking for anything, no relationship. I can be honest and say that I wasn’t rushed with butterflies in my stomach either. We are just two grown adults who became friends and got to know one another closely. Before anyone thinks it was intimate, sexual, no. It was actually as you see in those Pinterest quotes, “dive deep into my mind and get to know me”, type of close. I remember telling my friends and family I was content being single and that I would probably stay like this, if God wills it. Then came the curve ball.

Jump into another strike, I am seeing my life come into clearer picture. My recent vacation has opened my horizon to push through all the obstacles.

An even crazier curve ball, my return to social media met with someone hacking my Facebook. With it being shut down for the moment, it showed me how much time I actually have spent and am using now. I don’t control time and even though I make choices, life is not guaranteed. Always make the best use of time. Gee_ology signing out, be blessed.

Helladays


After a long two weeks of pushing my body to the limit, hearing screams and compliants, I made it, I’m alive.

Working retail is exactly what you hear about. Working management makes it seem tougher. Though I’m not like the managers people talk about, I still am considered the manager and I’m used to the backlash of employees and customers. 

I worked a consecutive 90+ hours one week and just finished the week before Christmas-which is Today-94 hours and not including Christmas eve.

Am I crazy? Is iy really worth it? The paycheck that I will see at the end of the week? I can’t really answer that but for the very first time I am exhausted. I’ve stated it before and I can’t believe it to be true but my body is actually slowing down. I’m used to doing things that push me to my limits and as my brain speeds up, my mental health getting better from depression and anxiety, my body is feeling the strain of all the years overworked.

It is a miracle that I made it through this year’s season. Being low on staff, hardly eating at all, sleeping 3-4 hours and working 12-21 hours a day. It also taught me something that has disappointed me and shifted my views about people today. We call it helladays at work.

People are truly consumed into materialism. I met some good people who understood how tired we were while others and mostly all other people, mind you-who were late shoppers-were completely numb to emotions. Christians who swear to representing the day to Christ would throw a fit because of lines at stores and many people who swear they are “good”, fueled by greed or anger. Then like a day after all shopping is said and done, when we get together with family, they forget. People who swear I ruined their Christmas because of the present they couldn’t get when outside of Christianity the view of Christmas is being around family and appreciating others we love, as a gift. 

But, of course, I’ll hear people say merry Christmas, the occasional texts. Which my response is always, “yea, you too”. The thing is, I still hold to everyday being the same. I don’t celebrate holidays and yes, I do see Christmas as a pagan holiday. Coming from the occult, I have seen all the dark roots of various traditions and shifts of rituals into our daily practices. In today’s world, new age consciousness has pervaded even the church and schools. 

But I can say something as well, I found myself thinking about what I truly am grateful. I’m embarrassed to say I’m grateful for certain things but for the most part, I’m happy I experienced them. For one, my niece has given me the fuel to keep going apart from God. Though I haven’t been as strong in the faith, I know I must trust in Him and continue to follow His path. I’ve let go of social media which based on who I am, it is a trap for depression and anxiety, a way for me to lose focus and so I detached from being “connected”. Though I can honestly say I’m not too fond of my job now, it has allowed me to break free from my insecurities and allowing me to talk to people without being afraid. My ex, though our differences, time and distance now, I can say I’m grateful and still hold her close in mind because I saw my flaws and grew as a man, the one she knew I could be and I’m still growing. 

Overall, this post is not only my account of the holidays but also, people in general. Though I may not hold your views, with the coming new year’s, life comes and goes. Be grateful of who you have and what you have, don’t let yourself become consumed by what the culture promotes or society. Gee_ology signing out, boom, let’s go!

Words in Action

“It’s easier said than done.”

We hear the constant words drilled into our heads, being built with firm foundations. The master builder or the creator himself giving shape to the people we are meant to be if we all Him to.

What comes to mind, words and action.

I’ve been at a loss and quite frankly, perplexed at my role as an individual in society. I feel “lost”. It is like I don’t fit in the norm or even what many describe as the “culture”. Now sure, I can have some stereotypes, I’m Asian so I love anime, I’m Dominican so I like bachata, and etc. Beyond that, there is more that meets the eye.

I don’t know how many times I will say it, I prefer that I stand out but as well, as of late, I feel some anxiety coming in. I haven’t been on social media for some time now and wonder how my friends are. Though I could text them, it seems that, just like me, we only text when it is convenient. I find myself hearing people talk about things happening in the world and I’m also out of it. I don’t watch t.v. nor pay mind to mainstream news (I’m a truther, remember, what you may call a conspiracy but). Through it all it has got me to think about my choices in life.

I’m usually one of those people who contemplates and reflects his choices and yet I know God is telling me to trust in him. The reality is, I tend to instill my ego and pride. I am good at getting things done or ignoring what I feel, which causes me to be cold.

I am literally writing from my tub and letting the water hit me while I write this on my phone(waterproof casing). I got home from another long shift and time seems to be speeding up. My life seems to be going nowhere fast and I ask myself, maybe I should be doing something bigger right now.

Should I have already had 3 books, my blog with thousands of followers, people commenting, podcast with tons of downloads, and etc by now?

I’m good at saying things like, “Be Present” but we are left with these questions. I ask myself this a lot, are we truly present?

I come to God with an open heart asking what is His will. Every time I think I know, it ends up being my own desires that ultimately fail me. What will change? What is there to change? Am I allowing myself to be changed? These are all questions that pound into my head. For the first time in a long time, I do feel lost and alone.

I feel like an outcast. I don’t blink of I get zero reads or views on articles since this has transitioned to a journal as well. When I write, I feel escape and a sense of relief from this world. I ultimately wake up and am appalled by how society has become warped. Yet here I am, voicing my own opinions through the best way I know how, writing.

This all may seem like a jumbled up array of words compiled to make sense. I mean am I supposed to write a detailed post with pictures and funny sentences, maybe a gif, to keep the reader entertained? Or am I truly supposed to write and let my soul paint the picture with words, allowing my own story, notions, or feelings come to pass. I feel limited by following guidelines. Trust me, I’ve read at least a hundred on starting a blog or bringing in an audience. It’s just that, I feel like if I was to do all that, I would lose myself, My style.

I’m not famous. I’m not like everyone else. I’m a 26 year old man that believes in true love while being single. I’m a blogger/writer/poet that hasn’t gone to college or honestly, dropped out. I haven’t the faintest clue in my next steps other than doing God’s will. I know I will continue to write, motivate, inspire, and though I have certain goals, I cannot allow my life to be plagued by anxiety anymore.

Call me what you will but I refuse to be a lost boy who never grows up, fascinated by the world. So then in turn I’m not lost, just like Tolkien quoted, “Not all who wander are lost”. I will not be captivated and be a zombie looking down on his phone all the time. I will not waste my time doing things I consider unproductive. I want to truly change the world and if I am an outcast then it is true what Jesus said, I am not from this world and if the world hated Him, then it will hate me too. I rather stand for what I believe and be built on form foundations.

Driving Force

Don’t worry I’m alive. I haven’t written in 4 days Which is odd for me. I typically write or post every 2 days now. Please don’t be mad *bows in forgiveness*.

I’ve been working like crazy these past few days. I haven’t had a day off til today and a good chunk of that is taken off due to podcast day. But as well, I worked a 20 hour shift Sunday and just got off another 15 hour shift. *drumroll* I’m not dead.

I’ve rarely felt exhaustion. Usually people tell me I’m an Android and I don’t rest but surprise surprise, I can feel my body ache, I feel myself tired. It’s funny, I never thought I would see the day.

My brother posted a pic similar to the one above, to express how he felt after he learned I passed out when I got home on Sunday; only to sleep 3 hours and head back to work. Everyone wonders why I push myself and though it may seem I voice my opinion strongly, I am just honest.

The reality is that I’ve been in the dumps-Not the actual place- where I am mentally, physically, and spiritual broke, used, work out. Fighting depression has never been easy. Having OCD is not something to boast about as well. Anxiety is even worst in my opinion. Now mash that all up and you have me. Yet, none of this reveals that I endured being homeless in the past.

I will not allow myself to reach a point in my life where I am struggling and Don’t know where to turn. I don’t believe in giving up nor in just letting life pass me by. There are things I still need to do and places to go. Now I’m not saying that this is what happens with homeless people. What I’m saying is, is that I know what drives me.

God, family, my goals. It is in this exact order and if I’m blessed enough to find my significant other, then she will be considered family but above a bit (maybe she’s reading this *laughs*). God has instilled a drive to do everything as if I was doing it for Him. My family is my treasure and I’ve learned that no riches can compare. Last, my goals of being a writer and speaker/teacher to help/teach others who struggle in life.

I say it many times that my focus is clear now. I may lose vision at times or it might be blurred but I know that God will guide me. I can be tired and know that this job as a manager is not something to die over. I know I would be replaced but as well I am a hard worker. I’ve learned the value not only in things, people, but also myself.

I will continue to smile and be driven by the force that allows me to grow as a man. To lead others to come to a similar mindset and truly grow as people. It is never about having no time but what drives us to keep going, for me they are what I stayed because I’ve learned that without these, everything else is vain. I ask then, what drives you?

Late Nights

Late nights again.

It doesn’t come as a surprise anymore how much sleep I don’t get. I was about to say how much sleep I do get but then I thought it would make it sound like I got any. 

I like to think of my days as stretched workloads mixed with 3-5 your naps. Is it healthy? Of course not. Yet here I am and staying optimistic and strong. 

I managed to pull in another 10-12 hour shift today from work. If you ask me the exact number and I would look at you with a dead expression. 

December is the time where I hardly get any sleep-even less from what I usually get. I think I explained how I usually take melatonin to help me sleep. If not, surprise! I tend to work 6-7 days and usually 10-16 hour shifts. This is typically what I’ve been doing the past 7 years of my life now. I’ve been a manager for most of it and usually that is just what happens during the seasonal spree.

Now, all of this doesn’t excuse myself for still being up. I have been editing the format for the current book I’m working on. I’ve talked about this book for a grand part of my blogging life and it is something I’m excited to bring out. One thing for sure is that I always listened to the advice to just write and think about the format later. Well, later has arrived and now it is major editing and fixing. Lots of work to say the least but also fun. 

By now, I believe I have read My whole book from beginning to end about 10 times. I’ve actually fallen in love with the characters and even though I tend to tweak things here and there as I fix indentations, formats, and etc, it is a story that I wish to expand from if things go great. This is why I wouldn’t mind and don’t mind staying up so late-I should say early now-it is currently 4:21 a.m. where I’m at.

I think this serves as a reminder in the future, to always work hard and in the end, do something you love. I could continue spreading my retail wings and etc but I also know that I love writing. No matter how tired I am or what I have going on, I will spend my time doing what I love. 

These late nights are where I am myself and to me they are the best.

Coming Together, Home


I cannot compare to the moon, stars, or the sun. For do we not stand as our own? Let them reflect or bask upon your own beauty. When has the sun hidden behind a cloud because you arose and your smile gave new light to my soul? Was it not in this very morning? Poetry knows not such intrusion you have caused within my world. The forces drawn not of orbit or gravity but the pull towards you keeps me in motion. But find me not lost within emotions splendored in infinite bliss. I have come to understand my reason and shall lead when the foundation is built. Carry on and mark my words but see the trail I embark in steps toward the future. Must you part ways or steady yourself to hold me as we take action together. Tales have been interwoven and locked in bindings of stories not of my own. I cannot grasp at meanings where who I define and see goes beyond the characters drawn. Let my voice roar and see me lead to victory in pursuit. My cause is not to conquer but rule beside my queen the lands we have gained by our struggles. Is it then a paradox? All that we have overcome to stand before our king and bask in His love? Or must I remember that it has yet to pass and I await the future in wait as I am shaped to the man intended to be? Let it be known, await for me and worry not for time has no limitation. I am on my way and together we shall head home.

At War

Head splits open with notions. Commotions causing distortions forming forces. But I still stand. Let war bring me to the brink of my misery. Find me in its company but know I am not part. The bombs blasting fields. Empty emotions riveted in silence. Rushing sounds of nothingness basked by screams. All around me as I crawl to wake, I replace fear with joy. Resting in pieces but finding I’m whole. Trenches covered by dirt but I rise to face the giants. Battles of yesterday scar my nerves. Mental friction of depictions scaled by bullets carried in loads. Ricochet beams of existence giving reason to fight. Hands held high, ducking in surprise with barrels of heat grabbing my side. Let the shots ring, this is not over. I shall not surrender. Find me at war with the world. Grab hold the sword and await to deploy.

Contemplating Love

Love is rare while hate is common. 

The very sentence sends shivers down my spines when I feel it being said. I’m a 26 year old man plagued by questions from people wondering when I would find someone to tie the knot with. As the passing years pull me closer to my aging future, my old soul keeps afloat. 

I’ve wrestled with the idea of love ever since I was child. Growing up I fell in love with the idea of love and romance. Romcoms seemed to revolve around me and I believed in the illusion. Even now, much older and with a better grip at life, I understand my position as a man.

I’ve said it countless of times, being who I am, now I think, I tend to be seen as the mysterious type of guy. Some women find me attractive just by how I am or my sense of humor but as they get closer, know me for who I am, they tend to back off as I reveal who I am. 

I’m an old soul that holds strongly to placing his trust on God and life. I have my shortcomings and though I may not be pulling in 6 figures, I work hard and love my family. That being said, when I seem separated by their train of thought or not really a part of the “culture” it seems unattractive. I remember talking to this woman who was shocked when I told her I didn’t use Snapchat or Instagram. Is it really so shocking I rather not engage in that medium?

I have not put off the notion that I should pursue a wife. Scripture has laid it out for me and with proper discernment, I know one day I will meet her. 

I remember daydreaming about my future queen being sleeping beauty and asleep or caught in the illusions of what love has been defined. I come in as a fellow prince or knight, sword beside me and I go up to her and carry her away. 

What made me think about intimacy as of late was something my friend mentioned when I hung out with her. We were discussing my recent endeavors with love. I explained how things just didn’t really click as of late or it could be I wasn’t really trying. She said, “Maybe it’s because you still need to grow and learn from the experience with my ex.”. I responded with, “Which one?”, which she exclaimed, “the only one that mattered, that broke your heart and made you cry. The one that showed you true love. Maybe you are scared to open up and experience that again?”.

It made me think about the choices I’ve made regarding women who approach me. People say I hardly smile but when I open up, I am lovable and friendly. I’ve built this wall again that I swore was never going to form. It doesn’t do anyone justice or is fair. Everyone is not the same and I understood I needed to change as a person, grow and with that said, allow different relationships to flourish, not just an intimate one.

For now, I don’t want nor do I need the things of fairy tales. I’m not looking to rescue a princess, nor a fair maiden. I don’t ask for forever nor eternity, just now or until death. I’ve played those games and recited those eloquent words. I’ve invested trying to be someone I’m not to impress someone. I’ve tried saying the right things. I read countless articles and books about how to be with someone, maintain a relationship. I could care less for any of that. All I ask is someone who loves me for who I am and will not leave when things get tough. 

“Love is patient, love is kind…”, the verse and words of scripture resonates within me. It would seem the common thing we experience is not being alone but wanting to share the company with another. 

Hard Decisions

Customers chatters echoed over the music. I found myself lost in a train of thought as my boss kept calling my name. We were switching shifts and it was her turn to be the M.O.D-manager on duty. Scanning my surroundings I found that I didn’t fit in, I felt a tug on my chest as it hit me. It wasn’t just where I was at in the moment, my job, but where I was in life. It is like I’m looking at a hallway and the gates have locks and I have the keys to some but end result is to reach the end.

I’ve heard and keep hearing what occurs to individuals as they have a mid life crisis. It was at 25 that my life truly shifted to who I am now. Now at 26, it seems to hit me even harder that the choices I make, no matter how small, impact my life on a greater scale.

I am a writer, this is now apparent, with the countless of articles, and entries into this blog. I wouldn’t call myself the best and I understand that I have a lot to learn. I didn’t participate in NanoWrimo this year and with the completion of one of my books which I will release through Amazon, I keep seeing myself progress, slowly.

I’m really not anxious about my future as much as I was a year ago. Life has taken a lot of turns and the lessons I’ve learned allowed me to make critical decisions. Today, after much debate with myself, another choice was made.

*drum rolls*
What could it be? Well, this may shock anyone that has been following my life since the start but I’m dropping out of college. Shocking. After all the talk about me finally going, I know it can seem surprising. I was going to major in biblical studies. But it isn’t for the reasons that seem to implement something is wrong with me or my life.

School has helped me realize a lot of things and helped me learn/taught me to get closer to God through an academic level. Knowledge by way of studying and getting closer to the word. I’m grateful for all my professors as well as my former classmates. Though all interactions have been online, I still am grateful.

The reality is not that I couldn’t pay for it or that I was bored of it all-I love to love. My understanding of it all or conclusion is that, for the moment, I don’t need it. I’ve noticed that most of what I learned, I already self taught myself by going to libraries and reading, talking to people, and living life. As a writer, I as well know that I don’t need a degree but the benefits of the classes, English and etc, is beneficial. The only true practice I have is writing everyday and reading. Beyond all of this, I will still attend workshops and if there are classes that are free somewhere, to help better my craft, I shall take them, when I could. I don’t intend to demotivate someone who is going to school or wants to go, college/university, is awesome and there are places, especially in the state that will not hire you without a degree. But like I’ve said, for now, it is not for me.

I tend to make very hard decisions and stick to it. When I don’t follow through and tend to hold on to something, it conflicts with my life. I’ve seen it happen with social media, every time I quit and find myself “back” due to staying in touch with people, I find myself contemplating my choices. People know that when I make a choice, I stick to it. Such is the case with all my recent decisions. I’ve invested more time growing as a writer because I know this is what I love to do, want to do, and Who I am. Just because I don’t go to school anymore or am “active” online doesn’t mean that I will not put in 100% into everything I do.

I currently live in Florida, though I love the weather, I also know as well this isn’t for me. From this day forward I will work to move. Now before someone gets technical and asks how will I do so without a job, if I don’t go to school and get a degree? I’ve been a manager now for about 7-8 years, I have a decent resume so it is not like I don’t have experience. I did manage before to freelance as a graphic designer and go to a tech school for it. I’m not making dumb choices, I make sure I analyze and then implement with sound reason before I initiate. I do take risks but from it all, I learn and grow. Just as I advice others, if you ever come faces with what to do, where to go, really look into your life, don’t be afraid and go for it but be sound about it. Be blessed all.