What truly is the life of a writer? I ask myself this question as I reminisce the tales sung about me. It is as if an epic was shared and my voyages now stretch through time, yet they remain on shores. Letters of my exploits reaching wandering minds, still grasping at what these words may reveal.
To be a writer, I’ve been told one must write with such passion that it is a revelation of God. Perfect strokes on paper or art orchestrated with the rhythms imagined within the minds of the audience. To illustrate or articulate what many wish to describe but fall short yet find understanding by these creators. Characters shaped by emotions or experiences, reflecting the authors. A stereotype drawn as if we must fit into a criteria to prominently be labeled as writers. To carry the torch. To bear witness to the storms of our minds. To hold a printed part of our soul or find its essence upon a screen. A writer.
I’ve grown troubled by these parameters drawn by people. It will now mark more than a year since I’ve taken the title. Being a writer is not something I do but who I am. I cannot deny that for the longest I had no proper form or understanding of who I was. My gifts. Yet, I now find myself drawn to the worlds that orbit me and wish to be explored. Only I can share such tales or bring about the voices that plague me. Yet I suffer from no delusion, only clarification to what I am capable of.
I am not “known”. I do not cast rumbling words to ask for my name to be known. Let my art speak for itself, my words, define who I am. Though we live in such an age where an image must be drawn to properly grab root before we see its true foundation. It is a mind-boggling ordeal. To write this and know that there is another who struggles as I.
Efforts to have our work come to light or even be at peace by doing what we love. Crafted to be engineers of an art form we ourselves are consumed by. I still marvel upon these discoveries and though they keep me at the ready, I continue. I must write and in so doing, I continue to breath life.
You help me see reality is worthwhile.
More than fancy dreams or stories on screens.
You’re my sober fantasy.
Intermixed with passionate complications of adjectives trying to understand its meaning.
Beyond the wants and needs to having you close, is what I desire.
Calling heart to a home where the string was drawn, reel me in.
Displayed beauty linked by stars to continue your radiance.
Your choice keeps me humbled.
Let the rain continue to wash away and may your smile shine to embrace after such days.
My love, this is true.
Another way to recite my thoughts and emotions.
Another good morning to love and be.
Burn me into nothingness and reshape me anew.
Lights of the past brings warmth to my soul.
Flickering sparks fueled by ember.
The calming fire rages with each breath.
Inner flame or outer star, guide my way.
Recite to me the stories of yesterday and allow me to see tomorrow.
I sit by the fire.
I’ve been extremely busy. Work has had me working to the point that as soon as I get home, I just want to lay in bed and talk to my girl.
It’s crazy how life moves around in such ways that you you perceive it all to be just a fluid motion. I was looking back at past events and a lot has been on my mind because of it all.
I’ve been writing poetry more frequently but I haven’t posted it just yet. I’ve been trying to get it sold and published on a site. But I also haven’t just keep anyone that follows me, “up to date”.
Life’s been good. No grand issues or unresolved tensions masquerading as smiles. My OCD tried to peer in and I was worried for a moment how I would be perceived by my girlfriend. It tends to scare people. Some people cannot differentiate between short temper and OCD. For those who know about OCD, you know that it isn’t simply keeping organized and etc, there are different kinds.
With all of this being said, I will push through and keep writing. If you like what you read and wish to see more, communicate with me about something I post, just contact me or comment. I’m always happy to engage readers. I will continue to post my art as well as my words interwoven to create a reflection of who I am.
I feel like God likes throwing us curve balls. We think we can calculate every aspect of our day to fit into our schedules. We hang them on the walls, create notifications and alarms when it arrives, yet we don’t notice were slaves to time.
It isn’t even just about time, we want things to work in our favor and the reality is, we don’t have control. I’ve to conclusion that as much as we try to live, we will fail every time, it isn’t about trying, but doing. Cue the star wars memes of Yoda training Luke. I even remember quoting the green master Jedi in one of my posts last year.
My life isn’t complicated, a lot of people see that I’m busy but I’ve grown so accustomed to my lifestyle that I still feel like I’m not doing anything. I practice what few know as polyphasic sleep: sleeping in intervals instead of a long regulated sleep. Typically it ranges from 4-6 hours. Add this to my intermittent fasting and you will get a clear picture why my friends believe I’m a vampire or Android.
From the moment my alarm goes off, my day is planned to the very last second, now, I still get distracted but not to the point that I lose time I use for my main tasks. Even my life was planned before.
Here comes the curve ball.
I’ve been talking to and dating someone. I never thought it would be possible. I actually wasn’t really looking for anything, no relationship. I can be honest and say that I wasn’t rushed with butterflies in my stomach either. We are just two grown adults who became friends and got to know one another closely. Before anyone thinks it was intimate, sexual, no. It was actually as you see in those Pinterest quotes, “dive deep into my mind and get to know me”, type of close. I remember telling my friends and family I was content being single and that I would probably stay like this, if God wills it. Then came the curve ball.
Jump into another strike, I am seeing my life come into clearer picture. My recent vacation has opened my horizon to push through all the obstacles.
An even crazier curve ball, my return to social media met with someone hacking my Facebook. With it being shut down for the moment, it showed me how much time I actually have spent and am using now. I don’t control time and even though I make choices, life is not guaranteed. Always make the best use of time. Gee_ology signing out, be blessed.
Working retail is exactly what you hear about. Working management makes it seem tougher. Though I’m not like the managers people talk about, I still am considered the manager and I’m used to the backlash of employees and customers.
I worked a consecutive 90+ hours one week and just finished the week before Christmas-which is Today-94 hours and not including Christmas eve.
Am I crazy? Is iy really worth it? The paycheck that I will see at the end of the week? I can’t really answer that but for the very first time I am exhausted. I’ve stated it before and I can’t believe it to be true but my body is actually slowing down. I’m used to doing things that push me to my limits and as my brain speeds up, my mental health getting better from depression and anxiety, my body is feeling the strain of all the years overworked.
It is a miracle that I made it through this year’s season. Being low on staff, hardly eating at all, sleeping 3-4 hours and working 12-21 hours a day. It also taught me something that has disappointed me and shifted my views about people today. We call it helladays at work.
People are truly consumed into materialism. I met some good people who understood how tired we were while others and mostly all other people, mind you-who were late shoppers-were completely numb to emotions. Christians who swear to representing the day to Christ would throw a fit because of lines at stores and many people who swear they are “good”, fueled by greed or anger. Then like a day after all shopping is said and done, when we get together with family, they forget. People who swear I ruined their Christmas because of the present they couldn’t get when outside of Christianity the view of Christmas is being around family and appreciating others we love, as a gift.
But, of course, I’ll hear people say merry Christmas, the occasional texts. Which my response is always, “yea, you too”. The thing is, I still hold to everyday being the same. I don’t celebrate holidays and yes, I do see Christmas as a pagan holiday. Coming from the occult, I have seen all the dark roots of various traditions and shifts of rituals into our daily practices. In today’s world, new age consciousness has pervaded even the church and schools.
But I can say something as well, I found myself thinking about what I truly am grateful. I’m embarrassed to say I’m grateful for certain things but for the most part, I’m happy I experienced them. For one, my niece has given me the fuel to keep going apart from God. Though I haven’t been as strong in the faith, I know I must trust in Him and continue to follow His path. I’ve let go of social media which based on who I am, it is a trap for depression and anxiety, a way for me to lose focus and so I detached from being “connected”. Though I can honestly say I’m not too fond of my job now, it has allowed me to break free from my insecurities and allowing me to talk to people without being afraid. My ex, though our differences, time and distance now, I can say I’m grateful and still hold her close in mind because I saw my flaws and grew as a man, the one she knew I could be and I’m still growing.
Overall, this post is not only my account of the holidays but also, people in general. Though I may not hold your views, with the coming new year’s, life comes and goes. Be grateful of who you have and what you have, don’t let yourself become consumed by what the culture promotes or society. Gee_ology signing out, boom, let’s go!
“It’s easier said than done.”
We hear the constant words drilled into our heads, being built with firm foundations. The master builder or the creator himself giving shape to the people we are meant to be if we all Him to.
What comes to mind, words and action.
I’ve been at a loss and quite frankly, perplexed at my role as an individual in society. I feel “lost”. It is like I don’t fit in the norm or even what many describe as the “culture”. Now sure, I can have some stereotypes, I’m Asian so I love anime, I’m Dominican so I like bachata, and etc. Beyond that, there is more that meets the eye.
I don’t know how many times I will say it, I prefer that I stand out but as well, as of late, I feel some anxiety coming in. I haven’t been on social media for some time now and wonder how my friends are. Though I could text them, it seems that, just like me, we only text when it is convenient. I find myself hearing people talk about things happening in the world and I’m also out of it. I don’t watch t.v. nor pay mind to mainstream news (I’m a truther, remember, what you may call a conspiracy but). Through it all it has got me to think about my choices in life.
I’m usually one of those people who contemplates and reflects his choices and yet I know God is telling me to trust in him. The reality is, I tend to instill my ego and pride. I am good at getting things done or ignoring what I feel, which causes me to be cold.
I am literally writing from my tub and letting the water hit me while I write this on my phone(waterproof casing). I got home from another long shift and time seems to be speeding up. My life seems to be going nowhere fast and I ask myself, maybe I should be doing something bigger right now.
Should I have already had 3 books, my blog with thousands of followers, people commenting, podcast with tons of downloads, and etc by now?
I’m good at saying things like, “Be Present” but we are left with these questions. I ask myself this a lot, are we truly present?
I come to God with an open heart asking what is His will. Every time I think I know, it ends up being my own desires that ultimately fail me. What will change? What is there to change? Am I allowing myself to be changed? These are all questions that pound into my head. For the first time in a long time, I do feel lost and alone.
I feel like an outcast. I don’t blink of I get zero reads or views on articles since this has transitioned to a journal as well. When I write, I feel escape and a sense of relief from this world. I ultimately wake up and am appalled by how society has become warped. Yet here I am, voicing my own opinions through the best way I know how, writing.
This all may seem like a jumbled up array of words compiled to make sense. I mean am I supposed to write a detailed post with pictures and funny sentences, maybe a gif, to keep the reader entertained? Or am I truly supposed to write and let my soul paint the picture with words, allowing my own story, notions, or feelings come to pass. I feel limited by following guidelines. Trust me, I’ve read at least a hundred on starting a blog or bringing in an audience. It’s just that, I feel like if I was to do all that, I would lose myself, My style.
I’m not famous. I’m not like everyone else. I’m a 26 year old man that believes in true love while being single. I’m a blogger/writer/poet that hasn’t gone to college or honestly, dropped out. I haven’t the faintest clue in my next steps other than doing God’s will. I know I will continue to write, motivate, inspire, and though I have certain goals, I cannot allow my life to be plagued by anxiety anymore.
Call me what you will but I refuse to be a lost boy who never grows up, fascinated by the world. So then in turn I’m not lost, just like Tolkien quoted, “Not all who wander are lost”. I will not be captivated and be a zombie looking down on his phone all the time. I will not waste my time doing things I consider unproductive. I want to truly change the world and if I am an outcast then it is true what Jesus said, I am not from this world and if the world hated Him, then it will hate me too. I rather stand for what I believe and be built on form foundations.
Don’t worry I’m alive. I haven’t written in 4 days Which is odd for me. I typically write or post every 2 days now. Please don’t be mad *bows in forgiveness*.
I’ve been working like crazy these past few days. I haven’t had a day off til today and a good chunk of that is taken off due to podcast day. But as well, I worked a 20 hour shift Sunday and just got off another 15 hour shift. *drumroll* I’m not dead.
I’ve rarely felt exhaustion. Usually people tell me I’m an Android and I don’t rest but surprise surprise, I can feel my body ache, I feel myself tired. It’s funny, I never thought I would see the day.
My brother posted a pic similar to the one above, to express how he felt after he learned I passed out when I got home on Sunday; only to sleep 3 hours and head back to work. Everyone wonders why I push myself and though it may seem I voice my opinion strongly, I am just honest.
The reality is that I’ve been in the dumps-Not the actual place- where I am mentally, physically, and spiritual broke, used, work out. Fighting depression has never been easy. Having OCD is not something to boast about as well. Anxiety is even worst in my opinion. Now mash that all up and you have me. Yet, none of this reveals that I endured being homeless in the past.
I will not allow myself to reach a point in my life where I am struggling and Don’t know where to turn. I don’t believe in giving up nor in just letting life pass me by. There are things I still need to do and places to go. Now I’m not saying that this is what happens with homeless people. What I’m saying is, is that I know what drives me.
God, family, my goals. It is in this exact order and if I’m blessed enough to find my significant other, then she will be considered family but above a bit (maybe she’s reading this *laughs*). God has instilled a drive to do everything as if I was doing it for Him. My family is my treasure and I’ve learned that no riches can compare. Last, my goals of being a writer and speaker/teacher to help/teach others who struggle in life.
I say it many times that my focus is clear now. I may lose vision at times or it might be blurred but I know that God will guide me. I can be tired and know that this job as a manager is not something to die over. I know I would be replaced but as well I am a hard worker. I’ve learned the value not only in things, people, but also myself.
I will continue to smile and be driven by the force that allows me to grow as a man. To lead others to come to a similar mindset and truly grow as people. It is never about having no time but what drives us to keep going, for me they are what I stayed because I’ve learned that without these, everything else is vain. I ask then, what drives you?
Late nights again.
It doesn’t come as a surprise anymore how much sleep I don’t get. I was about to say how much sleep I do get but then I thought it would make it sound like I got any.
I like to think of my days as stretched workloads mixed with 3-5 your naps. Is it healthy? Of course not. Yet here I am and staying optimistic and strong.
I managed to pull in another 10-12 hour shift today from work. If you ask me the exact number and I would look at you with a dead expression.
December is the time where I hardly get any sleep-even less from what I usually get. I think I explained how I usually take melatonin to help me sleep. If not, surprise! I tend to work 6-7 days and usually 10-16 hour shifts. This is typically what I’ve been doing the past 7 years of my life now. I’ve been a manager for most of it and usually that is just what happens during the seasonal spree.
Now, all of this doesn’t excuse myself for still being up. I have been editing the format for the current book I’m working on. I’ve talked about this book for a grand part of my blogging life and it is something I’m excited to bring out. One thing for sure is that I always listened to the advice to just write and think about the format later. Well, later has arrived and now it is major editing and fixing. Lots of work to say the least but also fun.
By now, I believe I have read My whole book from beginning to end about 10 times. I’ve actually fallen in love with the characters and even though I tend to tweak things here and there as I fix indentations, formats, and etc, it is a story that I wish to expand from if things go great. This is why I wouldn’t mind and don’t mind staying up so late-I should say early now-it is currently 4:21 a.m. where I’m at.
I think this serves as a reminder in the future, to always work hard and in the end, do something you love. I could continue spreading my retail wings and etc but I also know that I love writing. No matter how tired I am or what I have going on, I will spend my time doing what I love.
These late nights are where I am myself and to me they are the best.