Burning fire, find me in reason of means thought forgotten. Why must this flame keep my heart ablaze? Sparks ignited by reminiscing passings days of old. Bring me clear focus to determine the cause. Find me at odds searching to what lifts me off balance. Endless mystery held by such a word or confusion has entered into my weary soul. Fingers interlocked once upon, with space increasing in present notions of time. Brushed surface beyond exterior complexions or expressions. Seek it thus, is not the promise eternal which I swore? As I grow, may I indeed be led and lead. May I once again say I have what is held. Consuming blaze, engulf me with breaths I have not forgotten. Warmed embrace, I speak as one with open heart laid to find solace. Keep me in infinite promise.
Don’t worry I’m alive. I haven’t written in 4 days Which is odd for me. I typically write or post every 2 days now. Please don’t be mad *bows in forgiveness*.
I’ve been working like crazy these past few days. I haven’t had a day off til today and a good chunk of that is taken off due to podcast day. But as well, I worked a 20 hour shift Sunday and just got off another 15 hour shift. *drumroll* I’m not dead.
I’ve rarely felt exhaustion. Usually people tell me I’m an Android and I don’t rest but surprise surprise, I can feel my body ache, I feel myself tired. It’s funny, I never thought I would see the day.
My brother posted a pic similar to the one above, to express how he felt after he learned I passed out when I got home on Sunday; only to sleep 3 hours and head back to work. Everyone wonders why I push myself and though it may seem I voice my opinion strongly, I am just honest.
The reality is that I’ve been in the dumps-Not the actual place- where I am mentally, physically, and spiritual broke, used, work out. Fighting depression has never been easy. Having OCD is not something to boast about as well. Anxiety is even worst in my opinion. Now mash that all up and you have me. Yet, none of this reveals that I endured being homeless in the past.
I will not allow myself to reach a point in my life where I am struggling and Don’t know where to turn. I don’t believe in giving up nor in just letting life pass me by. There are things I still need to do and places to go. Now I’m not saying that this is what happens with homeless people. What I’m saying is, is that I know what drives me.
God, family, my goals. It is in this exact order and if I’m blessed enough to find my significant other, then she will be considered family but above a bit (maybe she’s reading this *laughs*). God has instilled a drive to do everything as if I was doing it for Him. My family is my treasure and I’ve learned that no riches can compare. Last, my goals of being a writer and speaker/teacher to help/teach others who struggle in life.
I say it many times that my focus is clear now. I may lose vision at times or it might be blurred but I know that God will guide me. I can be tired and know that this job as a manager is not something to die over. I know I would be replaced but as well I am a hard worker. I’ve learned the value not only in things, people, but also myself.
I will continue to smile and be driven by the force that allows me to grow as a man. To lead others to come to a similar mindset and truly grow as people. It is never about having no time but what drives us to keep going, for me they are what I stayed because I’ve learned that without these, everything else is vain. I ask then, what drives you?
I cannot compare to the moon, stars, or the sun. For do we not stand as our own? Let them reflect or bask upon your own beauty. When has the sun hidden behind a cloud because you arose and your smile gave new light to my soul? Was it not in this very morning? Poetry knows not such intrusion you have caused within my world. The forces drawn not of orbit or gravity but the pull towards you keeps me in motion. But find me not lost within emotions splendored in infinite bliss. I have come to understand my reason and shall lead when the foundation is built. Carry on and mark my words but see the trail I embark in steps toward the future. Must you part ways or steady yourself to hold me as we take action together. Tales have been interwoven and locked in bindings of stories not of my own. I cannot grasp at meanings where who I define and see goes beyond the characters drawn. Let my voice roar and see me lead to victory in pursuit. My cause is not to conquer but rule beside my queen the lands we have gained by our struggles. Is it then a paradox? All that we have overcome to stand before our king and bask in His love? Or must I remember that it has yet to pass and I await the future in wait as I am shaped to the man intended to be? Let it be known, await for me and worry not for time has no limitation. I am on my way and together we shall head home.
Love is rare while hate is common.
The very sentence sends shivers down my spines when I feel it being said. I’m a 26 year old man plagued by questions from people wondering when I would find someone to tie the knot with. As the passing years pull me closer to my aging future, my old soul keeps afloat.
I’ve wrestled with the idea of love ever since I was child. Growing up I fell in love with the idea of love and romance. Romcoms seemed to revolve around me and I believed in the illusion. Even now, much older and with a better grip at life, I understand my position as a man.
I’ve said it countless of times, being who I am, now I think, I tend to be seen as the mysterious type of guy. Some women find me attractive just by how I am or my sense of humor but as they get closer, know me for who I am, they tend to back off as I reveal who I am.
I’m an old soul that holds strongly to placing his trust on God and life. I have my shortcomings and though I may not be pulling in 6 figures, I work hard and love my family. That being said, when I seem separated by their train of thought or not really a part of the “culture” it seems unattractive. I remember talking to this woman who was shocked when I told her I didn’t use Snapchat or Instagram. Is it really so shocking I rather not engage in that medium?
I have not put off the notion that I should pursue a wife. Scripture has laid it out for me and with proper discernment, I know one day I will meet her.
I remember daydreaming about my future queen being sleeping beauty and asleep or caught in the illusions of what love has been defined. I come in as a fellow prince or knight, sword beside me and I go up to her and carry her away.
What made me think about intimacy as of late was something my friend mentioned when I hung out with her. We were discussing my recent endeavors with love. I explained how things just didn’t really click as of late or it could be I wasn’t really trying. She said, “Maybe it’s because you still need to grow and learn from the experience with my ex.”. I responded with, “Which one?”, which she exclaimed, “the only one that mattered, that broke your heart and made you cry. The one that showed you true love. Maybe you are scared to open up and experience that again?”.
It made me think about the choices I’ve made regarding women who approach me. People say I hardly smile but when I open up, I am lovable and friendly. I’ve built this wall again that I swore was never going to form. It doesn’t do anyone justice or is fair. Everyone is not the same and I understood I needed to change as a person, grow and with that said, allow different relationships to flourish, not just an intimate one.
For now, I don’t want nor do I need the things of fairy tales. I’m not looking to rescue a princess, nor a fair maiden. I don’t ask for forever nor eternity, just now or until death. I’ve played those games and recited those eloquent words. I’ve invested trying to be someone I’m not to impress someone. I’ve tried saying the right things. I read countless articles and books about how to be with someone, maintain a relationship. I could care less for any of that. All I ask is someone who loves me for who I am and will not leave when things get tough.
“Love is patient, love is kind…”, the verse and words of scripture resonates within me. It would seem the common thing we experience is not being alone but wanting to share the company with another.
Live with no regrets.
I don’t know who stated this quote. I could spend a few minutes researching it but I just want to write what is going on through my mind. A lot of things can happen in the span of a few hours.
I can’t fully explain what happens when depression strikes. It is a feeling of nothingness while you feel yourself sinking in an ocean. The waves hit you and after a moment, you don’t fight the waves any more.
I found myself looking back at old pictures and even managed to track the tags of my old Tumblr account. Believe it or not but before I started on wordpress or even formulated the concept of a blog, that was my place of escape. I read through the mind of a young man who was so focused on love and was indeed in love. During those days I was with my ex and it made me think about things in a different perspective. Did I really know myself?
The question I asked myself sent shivers through my spine. It is not surprising how I would say that I was narcissistic before or even how I preferred to manipulate people. I hated that about myself and though I understand the lessons learned, I have found that I do regret.
It isn’t solely on how I treated people. Before anyone thinks this is me not moving on from my ex, yes I loved her, she was my first true love and I can honestly say a part of me loves her still, but this goes beyond that. I regret the choices I made because another quote marks my heart.
“You will regret not starting a year ago”.
I could hear the words as I tap on the screen of my phone. Like a typewriter or keyboard, I prefer to hear the tapping of the keys as I’m writing an article, story, and etc. I regret not having the mentality I have now to who I was. It isn’t about wondering and contemplating, living in the past, though depression causes that; I find myself angry at not realizing the lessons sooner.
There is a time and place for everything as scripture describes. I understand that. I will one day get married and continue on in my life. I will never have it all “together”. I will fail. I will rise. These are the lessons you learn in life. I just wish I knew them sooner.
By the time you read this, I will be dead. A story still written though finds its end. A passing memory of yesterday. I am ever changing and must put to death my history. Yet would you care about who I was or hold emotions as an act to play a part of my heart. A piece given to all I love yet your words hold no shelter. Your body acts as a way to keep warm but your exterior reveals the cold shell. So quick to respond now as my parting words reveal I would never be seen or heard from again. Yet it is not my soul that dies but this vessel that has held the pressure and tides in times of trouble.
My last will, What would it be? I thought about opening this up with a poem. It is to give insight into what I commonly see amongst people who pass away. It makes me wonder what would happen if someone was to come across my journal. All secrets and thoughts written out and shown to the world. Peeled layers far deeper than my blog posts. In itself, my journal is who I am in the rawest of forms. Yet, can I just state what comes to mind in my head right now? What would be the parting words to those I love or just someone in the future. At times I think about my journal one day being used as was Anne Frank or the known authors of the past. So I will write as if these were my parting words:
What can be said about life? Laid out by men and women who claim to have things in order and find themselves lost trying to organize their life in schedules. What should I leave in my stead but a message to all, not just thoughs that I hold dear.
Time cannot be rushed or forgotten but presently used and lived upon. Learn to breathe. That job isn’t going anywhere or the world is suddenly going to stop spinning. Learn to accept the passing times and embrace the coming future but don’t spend your time worrying about either.
Love, never to be mistaken for lust, transcends all notions of men. Love is beyond time and beyond any complications. If you find it, hold dear to it, to them. Their will always be one. Though it may be written as if it is a fantasy, true love at times may appear as a tragedy. Forever is marked as an eternal promise and yet you never truly know when it will end. But this does not mean you surrender to your doubts or what others tell you. Love, fight for it because true love is action and ultimately a sacrifice. Never spend your time in torment wondering what ifs when your love is waiting. We are plagued by what to do and how to act and all I can say is to reveal your heart. If It is not returned then learn to have self respect, respect the other, and learn your value as well. There is not “the one” except for that person you are with or cannot see yourself live without, at times it can be in the form of a friendship. I have loved and honestly, one needs to grow first and love one’s self before you involve another. Even so, another will not grant you happiness, nor are they entitled to give you anything.
Dreams are just that. Awake to the reality that you must pursue what you envision, the goals you set. Never set a big goal and expect to accomplish it right away. Divide it or see it as steps and learn to walk up those steps and grow along the process.
God ultimately will be by your side even during your dying breath. Even if you don’t believe in Him. He shall always be beside you and help you along the way, trying to guide you to become a better version of yourself.
I leave you all with this, remember me not for who I was trying to be but who I was, who I became. My actions reveal my heart and my words reveal my thoughts.
Now. With that being all written out I hooe to have people ponder about life. These aren’t subjects I’ve ignored but what I discuss frequently to help others understand and for now I seem to go by seasons or lessons. I am not dying physically or planning to die, I am dying mentally though. Who I am today will die when it becomes tomorrow. I won’t stop changing.
You’re not a typical Christian. Believe it or not, this is what I hear or read when I talk to various people. My response is usually a question which is, how is a Christian supposed it be? People usually respond with something they have heard or read once somewhere but never truly what is completely revealed in scripture, by my experience.
We’re in the holiday seasons now. This all indicates the same questions get asked of me: why don’t you celebrate holidays? See it is something to take note by what Paul described about observing days, as well as food (Galatians 4:8-10) (Colossians 2:16). For myself, it is just a day, another day to be thankful for as well as another day that is of the Lord’s. It is good that people take the time and prepare, etc on a certain day in commemeration or celebration, but don’t let it ensnare you as well. Usually what I see is that after the day, people turn away from God or grow distant as if they accomplished their task. This is all as Christians, those in the faith.
I get asked as well in regards to holidays being pagan and believe me from doing massive amounts of research, mostly all are pagan holidays. Scripture does say to beware and not follow in the same customs or traditions as the pagan. (Jeremiah 10:1-4) (Deuteronomy 12:29-32) But also understand as Paul describes in Romans 14, “it is to each of his conscience, conviced in his mind, giving glory to the Lord” some will be “weak” in the faith and see certain things differently, it is not our job to judge as he describes. Reality is, you will see most professing Christians celebrating holidays, but I cannot stop them, only teach what scripture shares. For myself, I see it all for God.
Now this also comes to shock to some by how I live. I enjoy music, love anything that inspires me and encourages me, speaks truth and etc. I’ve heard debates about people saying that I can’t listen to secular music. It is interesting when they say stuff like this. I remember a comment on Lecrae’s recent album, a guys claimed Lecrae sold out because he said Jesus 3 times in his album. I laughed for a moment and then followed by explaining the references to scripture, the context, as well as using music or your talent for the direction to lead and encourage others. That is the calling and command, to sing psalms and hymns, songs to one another, help one another as well use your gifts and give him glory. While I can enjoy an artist using his/her gifts, given by God. Now of course I will not entertain anything that will tempt me into temptation or allow me to bask in sin.
The reality is we have misunderstood when scripture says, “Do everything for the glory of God”. We wake up, brush our teeth, work and etc, and we hear pastors or “Christians” say things like, you have to do this or that to really be Christian. Christianity is not religion but a relationship with God. We do everything, true, and in all we do it is to glorify Him. It is the manner or attitude we do it, not to prove something but truly our fruits shall bear witness. How we love people, how we speak and what we do. When we are spouting judgment or act like we are rebuking let us first rebuke ourselves and check our intentions. Is it really to help someone truly in sin or to reveal we are “holier than thou”.
I actually get that a lot, for example when I am discuss music as well as words. I’m a writer. I can use words in its proper context and yet people become heated saying to watch my mouth. Which I then correct by saying that their response in such a tone and even intention was what was in error. Take for example saying something like, “Damn, Satan, why do you tempt me?” People would go eyes buldged like he said the word damn. They would say I was a hypocrite and that I am lost and etc. But notice their response, claiming I am lost or judging me, it is good to correct but then again, are you following religion or God? Obedience is necessary, true, but as well, let us come to reason in maturity as well. Words used correctly and incorrectly have a big impact. Jesus would state the gravity of certain things, looking at anothers wife and etc. Such it can be with words as well, for what purpose or what meaning does it fall under?
Being Christian is, in reality, not intended to be easy. We are imperfect people and Yet we rejoice in Christ, born again and are transformed daily by the Spirit. There are moments of doubt and at rimes where we fail but Christ’s finish work rests upon the promise of the Spirit residing in us. With the substitute being himself he has allowed us to come before the Father and have a relationship, to know and be known by God. So yes, I’m not your “typical Christian”. I believe strongly in following the word and abiding to His truth, allowing the Spirit to change me and bear the image of Christ. What I do can be seen and what I say can be heard but if I fall short I know it is made complete and finished in He who died for me. His resurrection superseding death and allowing me life anew, because of this I go unto the world and recite the Gospel, create disciples and teach. I was raised in the church but was not a Christian til my heart was convicted, I was not a Christian til I repented and was Born Again, with the Spirit making me His temple. If I speak now it is being bold in He who I give all glory. Be blessed all.