Move Forward, Run

​Sometimes we look out to the world and can’t imagine the choices we will make. We wake up and follow a schedule. Yet we always find ourselves still stuck or in some sense, hindered, by what is happening in life. The dreams we wish we shared or reached, now seems so distant. Yet it all isn’t, we merely have to look past all the obstacles, look up and be willing to climb in life. 

It’s true, there are moments when you will not feel ready to move on in life. Relationships that turned sour, career paths tha seemed promising and now near impossible to reach or some would say-think. But the truth is sometimes we just need to be honest with ourselves and continue to push forward. Just because you do doesn’t mean you disregard what you feel or think, it just means you are willing to overcome the obstacles and grow as a person.

I can speak in a personal note, we always tend to overthink a situation or even place people in such a way that when things go “south”, we fall to a state that seems as if we are defeated. Trust me, it’s okay to feel like this, use the time you need to grow and learn. But there must also be a point you reach in life that you must say itisenough and in turn, get up, wake up, and move forward. Life is tough, complicated, but that is truly because we let it get to us, what is said or how we perceive it. The reality is life is a blessing, a gift, even that of love. You will berejected and God forbid, you will have heart breaks, but this will show you what you need, what you desire from a relationship as well, help you to understand how not only you need to change but also grow. It took me weeks and months to understand all of this, I’ve said it multiple times. Even if people judge me, I do and can say I love my ex, but I can also say that if it wasn’t for the break up, heart break, I wouldn’t have grown to who I am now nor how I’ve given my life to God. I learned who I was, am, and knew I had to change, I was at fault in many things of my life, closing myself to follow teachings I learned from demons, magick, and etc, I was living a lie and a facade. I still even have people who may see me differently butI am now being as honest as possible, revealing who I am, a writer sharing my soul not just words but also coming into action. I stopped in my constant battles of defeat and allowed the Spirit to use me and grow. I became a writer, use my art, my wisdom, my art, all to help others and grow.

What I am trying to tell you all is this. Life will be perceive to be difficult, you will feel as if the world is against you, but I can truly say, it’s worth it every time to get back up and push on. Love is something as the poets described but also in reality is better, it is real not just a story. Stop worrying about finding the one and continue to move forward and runthe race til you find someone willing to run beside you and give support. That career or dream you have, you can attain it if you work for it, don’t become “comfortable”, chase you dreams and awaken to find them a reality. You can truly do it, push yourself, and don’t let anyone say you can’t. Be reasonable about your faults, limits, and work on them, always willing to give it your all. I write all this not only as encouragement but a brother in the faith andforthose that may not believe in a “higher power” as a friend, from God, saying not to give up.This is the call or answer you may have been waiting for,in your time of waiting or feeling “defeated”, now is you time to get up and start winning. Even if you may have small victories, even if you may not have that high paying job, know that just living and being content in of itself is worth it. appreciate what you have and if you dream of more, think not of greed or lust, but of bettering yourself and giving your best, not only to yourselfbut above all, those you love. Be blessed all. Gee_ology out.

A New Chapter

​They say I’m a hot mess but also cold, where I find my balance.

Amidst the chaos and storm that rages inside, a mystery of silence to find peace of mind. 

A project constructed to tower to the heavens only to find the ground more appealing. 

Games played yet I pause to come to reality, embracing life apart from distractions.

Disengaging from limitations limiting creative illustrations depicted by words.

Sounds of nature with voices serenading as angels to sing the chorus unheard.

Finding reason, purpose to existence.

Intimately connected with principles embedded by spiritual eloquence.

Beauty marked by heart and scars that spark embers of passion. 

A new man, changed beyond sounds recited through mouths and brought to action.

Deeds envisioned to work as vows spoken.

And so I embark in the journey.

Voyage through deep oceans, lands unseen.

Walking through valleys of shadows gone past. 

Light engulfing me as the dawn approaches and I venture…home.

Behind the Curtains

The world’s a stage and we are all actors following a script, until the curtains close. This was something I heard before as a child. I never truly understood it until these last few years. People have become so good at acting like the world has some sense to it when yet we are all mad looking for order.

They never tell you growing up that life will not be easy. Parents simply tell you, it’s time for you to grow up. They act like they themselves hold the key to the future when yet they’ve learned lessons and we ask for guidance. People like pointing their own experiences and stating such things as “When I was growing up I….”, insert the blank, you know what I mean. The reality is we don’t know the future nor can we try to comprehend how someone else may endure it, we can only truly understand one another and grow, help eachother as a support to at least make it through today. Tomorrow will always bring its own problems.

I’ve watched this world change in the last twenty years. I am considered young but still an adult and yet I can attest that I have yet to see the horrors others have seen. I can be a witness to my atrocities as well as pain. Yet even with all said we like to paint ourselves as characters and lose our identities, lose ourselves to this world. We so quickly throw away morality, truth, all for feelings and opinions only to satisfy our desires and become so egotistic we disregard others. People tend to say I’m an old soul yet the reality is, I’m human. Just stating what I am is not an excuse, though most of us use it. We have faults and are imperfect yet we use that as a crutch to not show the world what could truly be accomplished if we cared. We are told not to care, if someone has wronged you, cross them out and “do you” yet are we not living this life together? When did one human being truly understand we all go back to the dirt in the end, created as equals yet still with our own character and individuality? Why is it so hard to comprehend all of this? Instead we pass our dies wasting time on things that will truly hinder our potential and chain us from truly living.

I’ve stated it in various of my recent articles and in part it is because I’m writing as a personal note but also to show I’m one of you, I’m tired of the facade. I’ve hidden behind masks for years only because I have yet to find someone to truly trust. Though I regret some of the choices even in saying I wish I could change them, I’ve retraced it seeing my mistakes. There is still much for me to learn and that’s the beauty of life, to never stop growing. I don’t need to follow the trend, guides of a romance life and etc, for me I abide and live in truth and love, God. It is true they never tell you how long it will be to cope with how you would feel when you fall in love and feel your heart shattered. It’s true they don’t tell you you will have to make sacrifices to help your family survive, that you might not finish college, that you may even feel alone because you’re single. People assume and try to input what worked for them and instead of seeing it as advice people begin to shift and change to try to find their identities in someone else. You will never find your identity in someone else, not in your career, title, health, money, relationship and etc, because in the end we each take our last breaths on this earth. It’s a marvel how I see this “play” on stage, people masquerading and don’t see how lost they are. Because of this charade they revel in meaningless pursuits or substitutes to fill the answers to questions they’ve always asked. Who am I?

Who am I? A question asked since the dawn of man one could say. Looking for the answers within ourselves or even constituting entities through forms we could see to clarify a sense of meaning. Turning from the observers to theorists, each now believing to be supreme over one’s life til chaos strikes and the pedastool or idol we’ve positioned, crumbles. The applause has finished and we head home, curtains closed and we look into the reflection that remains blank. Yet has this question not been answered before? Did not God come and reveal his plan? Show us that we are his children? Show us that we are loved because he who was without sin took our place? He who is life, gave his life so that in death he may overcome it to take our place and rescue us. In and through all of this to bring light so that all who come to him may see and not be lost, finding their identity in him who is God. We’ve allowed so much of the world affect us that we’ve forgotten God and in turn made it all seem like a nice bed time story. We’ve allowed our egos and flesh play the role so well we try to keep the masks on even after the curtains close.

One must come realize the reality and come to term with one’s self, this is not a game, not a show to be so eagerly entertained, this is life. You will experience days where you feel defeated, days where you may cross deserts, meet people who you will love only to feel as if you’ve lost who you are, you will feel as if you can no longer be you and abide to what this world claims you are, a beast, an animal. But listen, I’m here to tell you, get up, wake up, you are loved, you were intricately designed and predestined for greatness, no matter how small the task may be, we are each part of a body that works together, each with it’s own function but as one. Remove the masks, let the curtain come to a close. Life is meant to be lived and though we may find ourselves caught up in the world’s affairs, jobs, bills, and etc, find true value in the people around you, family, friends, love, truth, and above all God, because in the end, this is all that matters.

Loving love

Everyone loves love. This is something not to take lightly when we hear this. We become so infatuated with a person at times or the idea of love, romance, with an individual we allow it to cloud us. At times we hold to someone or something that requires you to let go because deep down it is hurting you, not allowing you to grow. I wrote this out of all the experiences I’ve had, yet I can be called young but that doesn’t excuse if what I speak on the is true.

The reality of love or relationships I’ve seen now is people don’t want to commit anymore. It is either they want to “try” dating someone or they “feel” something and once it is gone, they also drift away. I’ve spoken about it many times, what has happened to love? Truth? Nothing has happened to it, only our views and meaning.

I’m not going to go on a long rant on what is love, if you want you can check my previous articles but just know love is truly, giving, sacrifice, respect, trust, devotion, patience and etc. The reality is love doesn’t stop, regardless of the circumstances or events, love overcomes. Many people don’t understand this one thing, true love never dies. I see people nowadays consumed by lust and passions yet once a wall is reached instead of moving over or forward they stop. RelationSHIPS become wrecked and our views distorted of people because someone may have been “wrong” but in reality not ready.

Even to the point in stating if one is truly going to be ready we forget that there is never going to be truly a time to be “ready”. Scripture tells us a man pursues his wife or finds her, meaning gentleman, get off your butts and pursue but do so with respect and with knowing what true love is. In the same manner, women, be of support and not always trying to control your “man”. It’s not about calling names that are cute, not “bae”, build with them and grow. Truly grow with eachother, get to know them and build your foundation on something solid. Let God be your guide. I’ve experienced what happens when you let sex consume you, when you idolize someone, instead get to know them, become best friends, lovers, etc. Don’t rush into something, instead learn to commit.

What this short little spouting of words is meant to do is to help people understand that each of us is of value. People are not something to pass the time. Each of us has stories and lives and when we take time to grow and commit we become as one. Let your intentions be true and clear from the jump, one should ultimately date for marriage and I’m not saying the person you might be dating is the “one”. Truly see the person, You are giving yourself to, commiting, is doing the same and though love is more than giving than receiving we must also recognize that love doesn’t hold back or is self centered, each person gives to eachother and builds upon eachother. You will have fights, you may even have heart breaks. Just know as well, time doesn’t heal, no, God does, and when you begin to see you do have value as well, not in an egocentric way of thought, but as someone who is loved and is so filled with love to give to another, you will see the beauty of love. It is not a fantasy, love is real.

If This Is Love

If this is love, may the space be penetrated to come to distance as I marvel upon a star. Blasting off from the rocks that hold me by force. Finding an orbit beyond the heights of the heavens.
If this is love. Allow me to remain anchored amongst the seas. Diving deep and finding my treasures amongst shipwrecks. Enduring the storms and waves til I find land.

If this is love, mark the passages and words, eloquently written about such a blissful tale. Bring meaning to these feelings that transcend ties of emotions that drown me in oceans.

If this is love, bring me my paint to allow all to see the face of such beauty. Letting my senses trace with proper texture as my hands run through the curves of the features.

If this is love, understand that though I’m held in awe by your expressions, I’m captivated by your imperfections seeing it to fit into the pieces of perfection. Learning to know you in body, mind, soul.

If this is love, know that I will love forever and more, never letting go for love that is given is better than received and my heart…is yours.

At 25

Just a number. 25. Yet this number regarded in such a way that is said to mark adulthood. Some can argue and say 18 should be the mark. Others can agree and state what is said about this number in which I have presented.

At 25, it is said by this age one has finished college for the most part. Your career is established. You are either starting to get serious with someone, married, have a kid, or getting out of your 20s phase. You begin to feel the effects of truly being an adult. It is true others can feel it earlier or even a bit later. Yet to the constant that remains, 25 seems to be a mild stone in life.

I never saw any of this or even worried about such things in which I wrote about. No looking back or even stopping and observing my own life. Now, at 25, I can say these “goals” or steps one should have taken seems to be just a limitation placed upon people. I don’t believe in following a “list” of dos and don’t s, though I learned from the experiences, mistakes and have grown from that. During the generations of the 90s kids and 2000s, the “rules” seem to be changing.

At 23, I was signing to buy my first house. I never finished college, only going so far to gain my certification in a technical college not even an associate. By 24 and now 25, I have been in a management position for about 5-6 years now. At 25, I discovered my passion to write and know I want to be a writer, an author. At 25, God showed me the path I needed to take to serve him and his people. At 25, a calling to preach and teach has engulfed me from what was prophetised when I was a couple of months old. At 25, I am single though like I stated I found love in a different way, myself and others, due to my realization of my narcisstic tendencies and pride in which I avoided or disregarded til late. At 25, I started a blog, am writing 2 books, and feel as clear headed as ever. At 25, I am now a couple months sober from any substance. At 25, I am no longer letting the facades that overencompassed my life before with the lies and living as honest as I can. At 25, I am learning to be in control to the extent of the holy spirit truly changing me and allowing me self control over my body and mind to be healthy, mentally and physically. At 25, I respect women and no longer see them as projects or objectify them. At 25, I have owned 2 cars. At 25, you could say I was truly living.

You see, age is a number and no matter what people tell you, life is uncertain. We each experience things or do things at our own time, regardless of age. Be patient. In and through all I’ve learned that God heals, changes, directs you to a proper purpose when you lead a life for him, it isn’t about a number.

Perilous Nights

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How long is the overbearing thoughts going to continue to exhaust our entire being? We are so ecstatic to talk about various situations that go on in our lives and a truly pay no heed to what it could all mean. We spend hours of our days or minutes and scroll through timelines yet seem to lose time in itself. Our eyes dart around the screen as the light engulfs the dark room. Yet through it all, not once, have we stopped to see the path it takes us.

I’ve said it time and time again, to be present. Yet this very subject is something I mostly try to teach myself. From falling into a constant turmoil of thoughts and emotions that race with my very being to come to the surface. We forget such odd happenings in which has drawn us to be here in moments of darkness feeling despair. The reality sinking us. Feeling a gravity that we were so quick to ignore or test as science projects and never weighed in until we truly feel life upon our shoulders. Such it is with the world, better yet, my life it would seem.

Allow me to be honest. How is it that we are raised to believe that hard work pays off and countless people spend 2-3 jobs working dead end jobs, just to pay for meals or bills to support their family? How is it that we are told all these ideas, advices, techniques, yet no one truly knows the measure of what a real relationship is based on? It is mind boggling. I do not know if it is because of my current state of mind as of late or if it by nature, a requirement for me to draw up these questions. Yet, night after night, they return and with even more intricate forms, attacking my notions of the world to inquiry answers that I was never truly taught.

It would seem nights have become a journey of sorts. From the lack of sleep to me returning to reading more, to the escape, writing. Yet it is more than all of this combined. Some can claim I am merely coping with the events in my life. My narcissistic nature finally being subdued and finding a balance of true peace and humility. One where my contentment in life is not measured by status, title, career, or measurement of people surrounding me. Long nights arguing with myself on why I still say or better yet, trying to understand if it is normal or like psychologists state, the process of moving on. I keep hearing so much noise and in turn it was one of the reasons why I removed myself away from the distractions of social media. I needed to focus on not only my goals but finding myself again.

It is said life would be easier when you give God control. For the longest time I’ve always wondered if “it worked”. As if it was a magic pill one took or if someone just blasted you with a fairy ju-ju, to believe in a mythological fairy tale rubbing your back to make you feel “good”. My life has never truly been “happy”. I can say it’s been filled with tribulations, heart breaks and honestly, my level of trust or even of judgment of people, is very thin. Yet for the longest I put on an act. I said all the right things, honest things that just came to mind, but for the most part it was what I wanted others to know. And so the nights that were once dulled by substances were clouded by discomfort. Now as the storms rage on again and I allow myself to be vulnerable by sharing my thoughts, myself to the world, the mystery of me fades and feel at “risk”. Yet what better way to truly feel free, is it not? To allow the truth to come to light and through the storms know that good weather returns at the end. Such it is with life, we forget that, we will go through hell or so it is said. But understand, God is with you, you grow and become disciplined if you learn from all the experiences, teachings, and mistakes. Through every perilous night, there is a soothing morning, one where we can begin anew.

Looking From Within

12:33 a.m. I could see the seconds pass by as I just lie on my bed. The days seem longer than most. Work has now become a way to feel a sense of escape from the life I live. No longer hindered by my past I still reside in a state of mind that is in constant analytical structure. What people normally just take in as simple questions and answers, my mind compiles to its roots and where it will all come about, hence, over thinking or drawing up assumptions.

I can’t really remember the last time I slept soundly. I occasionally have trouble sleeping at night. I would take some pills to help my body regulate back to a normal schedule. Yet because of all that I’ve endured, the job I worked for 6 years, prior to this one, it has become disoriented. In turn, nights like these where I am left to the chaos which is my mind, letting it all come and find its reason, in the silence and darkness, is in a way, soothing.

I’ve explained some of the things that has been happening in my life and upon such ventures its helped me grow. Not only has it helped but its begun to reveal who I truly am. For someone who always wants control, sense of it, prideful and lets be honest here, narcisstic tendencies, it seems like the mask continues to crumble. The reality is one just grows tired of what we have become and in turn are forever changed. I hardly realized the leaps in life that has happened. I was once homeless. That should have me in a certain way. Or even how I struggled to survive and how I now have this mentality to push on, work hard, give my best, no matter what to never fall into such a state. I have loved and truly know love, how fortunate can one be?

We focus so much on the things that benefit us at times that we forget all that we were and see who we are now. So much has happened in my life. We become so anxious on what could be and don’t stop to see ourselves now, here, the present. Just maybe, I am here right now, under the right time, right place. I could be doing so many things at the moment yet, I’m here, focused, and pushing on. All I can say is that with how much I’ve changed, I can say and show that I am sorry to those I hurt. But just the same, I forgive myself, we forget that. We forgive others or even events yet, we forget that we are someone we need to love and forgive as well. And so I look out to the world, myself, not simply with my eyes but with my heart for what better way can the world be seen?

It’s Incredible

It’s really a marvel, to just step back and see everything that has been happening. We rarely do that nowadays. We focus more of finding an “alone” time, relax, dull the mind or senses, we forget to just reflect on life as a whole. It happened to me as I finished writing my last entry, going through the list of articles in jotterpad I have written out. Each post a reflection of my beliefs, my work, out into the world. Where people I don’t know read it and just as I do to articles, wonder what brought them to write such a piece.

It’s been quite some time looking back as well on where I stand as an individual. I am currently single and with my views shifted to what truly is, learning more about myself, growing, allowing God to change me, I see how much I’ve evolved. I could hardly recognize myself and though I do tend to bare similarities, the distinction is relevant. The reality is that we forget how amazing such simple things affect us.

I’ve heard the butterfly effect, heck, I’ve even seen all three movies(first one is only one I recommend). I see how just by my choices, how I’ve affected people’s lives forever. Even with that said, I see how much things and people have affected myself. Everything seems to be so interwoven like a puzzle piece yet seemingly as random as a single grain of sand of sand at the beach. Still, that one grain forms a collective to allow the shore to be formed. Such is how life has been revealed to me. The more I live on, the more intricate, complex it seems yet orchestrated by design. And though it seems as if I’m ranting, I ask you if you’ve ever just stopped, wondered, and just said to yourself, it’s incredible, isn’t it?

Just Do It

Time seems to just pass by, I’ve learned that a lot over the past couple of weeks. You can be so engaged upon a mitaculous events that it all seems to be a blur. One day you wake up an notice time has simply passed you by. We honestly believe we have all the time in the world and honestly that is our fault as people. The reality is we do not and we have all these ideas or goals we set for ourselves, no real “time” as we put it and in turn see it pass us by. Today, just as always, I encourage you to get off your comfort zones, not only to you but myself as well.

Let’s be honest, we would all rather be doing something we would truly enjoy, truly benefit from. Some people find solace in their career choices, others work a job they hate til they retire. Kids dream big, adults say they, themselves, need to wake up and pay bills. We are in a constant battle with ourselves and our society.

I can’t even tell you how many times people said I needed to finish school to survive being an adult. Yet here I am, 25 years old, no degree, and though I would like to get one, I would do so to meet people and be open to more possibilities. The reality is we limit ourselves.

I’ve talked about how we need to break free and become who we are meant to be. But one thing I didn’t truly say or write is to just go out and do it. Trust me, I am not the most well known writer, like I’ve stated, I’m not published or event have people asking to read my latest work. Still, I take time out of my day to write not only in my journal, my book, but on my blog as well. I may not be bringing in the “green” through writing, but guess what, I still write. Every post or wordbrings me closer to what I want to accomplish, knowing I am a writer in my heart and letting the world see it. So should everyone be in the state of mind.

We fear so much in life. Life is short, like they usually say, go big or go home. Now I’m not saying drop everything and move to Japan to be a samurai. With a calm, collected mind, sound in reason, prepare the steps to take to get to where you see yourself and actually walk it. We can spend hours dreaming or wishing things to come about, in reality though, hard work pays off. Stop making excuses. Go and do it.