I’m Sorry

I’m sorry.

These very words that echo through every part of my being. That swarms through memories of life as I look back. Writing through the emotions and the tears that no longer seem to flow no matter how sad, happy, or angry I may feel. In knowing and seeing how crazy life has turned out and in understanding the choices I’ve made, the things I’ve said, have changed people, events, and in turn, myself. Yet just reciting the words we so casually hear seems to have no impact after awhile, yet here I am, writing as if all could hear or read these words, saying I’m sorry.

My past no longer comes to a surprise anymore. Reason I stretch back to it and bring it forward is because I try to reveal the lessons learned from it. It isn’t easy or at most part it was never truly easy getting up every morning and bearing the weight of the past and present. Each step feels like a never ending reminder of the failures, heartbreaks, your frailty, your weakness, your humanity. Yet here I am, as strong as I can ever be, still managing to live life, filled with love. It is no easy task but it is necessary, to learn to accept and move on.

We are taught day in and day out to “let go”. We’ve even turned to catchy phrases like, “let go and trust God”. But truly it is never good to just let go. Something I’ve learned is to accept what transpires. When I was deep in my studies of the occult, magick, and etc, something I learned was diminishing my “humanity”, my emotions. This in turn turned me cold and for the most part how I got my nickname at the time, “shado” I was dark and most people said, It felt like I wasn’t “there”. There is something we need to understand, things happen in life, we grow because of experiences and the lessons taught and learned. In doing so, we accept situations and understand why it happen, so in turn, things may have a different outcome. When you diminish or ignore an event or even a person, it changes you, it turns into a selfish venture. When we are kids we try to ignore things that we don’t like but it doesn’t change the fact that it is there.

But what does all have to do with being sorry? Like I’ve said, my life was never peach perfect or is it pitch perfect? I don’t remember. Either way, I haven’t been the best, heck, I haven’t come close to deserving any forgiveness in my eyes. From the days I would literally fight people for my own gain, debate people to claim my “wisdom” was better, to belittle people as a whole. Even to the way I objectified women and saw them as projects only to find myself now valuing love in its truest form. To having been cheated on, to idolizing people, to lying, to arguing, to even trying to change all for the sake of being seen as someone I’m not. It’s a marvel at the people who actually know me. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, I can count my friends with two hands. I’ve only been in two serious relationships and through it all, wrap everything together and all I can say is…I’m sorry.

My life has been a constant roller coaster. God rich in his mercy has allowed me to see how precious it is. Even upon my past and his sovereign naturr, he still forgives and forgave me. Yet even with that I’ve learned to ask for forgiveness and accept the things that have happened or happen in life. We don’t end up always where we dream to be, end up with the people we think will always be by our side. I never have claimed to be perfect and I’m sorry to all who I’ve hurt. Sorry to all I’ve could’ve helped but yet the fear in allowing God to use me entirely has pushed it back. I’m sorry for being me. It may sound weird but the thing is this, we’ve tried to be “us” and notice it isn’t working. So in turn I’ve died to self and allow God to reshape me.

I cannot take back all that I’ve done or have said but I can be present and live a life according to the will of God. To show love and share truth in the form I know best, through teaching and writing. I hope even those who follow my blog understand. I am my biggest enemy and sometimes I wish to write what I would like you to read instead what is needed to be read or even what I truly feel compelled to write. They do say writing is hard yet easy at the same time, I understand now. And though I may seem at my weakest at times, feeling is what makes me human, and being human is what reveals how I am such a beautiful creation. To God and all, I’m sorry. I will no longer let myself be held back, I’m at the service of God and his people. And to those in the past, I’m sorry, but see that I am no longer my past and hopefully we can all forge a better future.

Always A Reason

You wake up and look at the clock, 7am, you sigh and contemplate your next choices. We’ve all been there. Those moments in our lives where we stop and wonder, is it all worth it? I remember days like that or even looking at my life now. I write these articles, create motivational text or images, speak and teach to some and it has me reflect. We sometimes get discouraged if things are not on par with the life we planned.

Let’s take a look overall, we spend our early lives “learning” to survive. Even then we develop big dreams. Yet there are situations or people that come about that seems to thwart your “purpose”. We sometimes think we can be in total control, only to realize that we look at life as we near our end as if fate plays a role.

We experience a lot growing up. Depending on where we grow up or to better word it, our environment, shapes us. Our thoughts lean more on who we listen to or look up to and depending on how we begin to view the world, it will shape who we will turn out to be. I used to believe that free will encompassed the world in entirety but truly I’m seeing a tint of control, order, or what people call, fate. In Christianity, we’re taught God’s in control but as well he let’s people follow their desires. That is why I believe it’s foolish at times for people to claim God is evil, why, because he allows one to live their own lives and people rather live based on their own notion of morality than what is established? We’re so quick to blame and never noticed the grand scheme, we decide our choices, people have created this system and culture in this world. There is only evil, because we as well let it.

Some can question what I’m trying to convey and it’s simple. Look at life, there’s always a cause and an effect. You die because of events or old age, you love because you find love or bond with someone. But even looking upon all of this something transcends this. Reason. Now I’m not trying to describe the sense of logic and reason. But more so, there’s always a reason. You work because you need money to pay bills. You marry because you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and build a family. But these reasons seem necessary to some yet there is something more you begin to see as you mature, you ask yourself this question, what is my reason for being?

The question we all ask ourselves, our reason or what is our purpose. If we were to properly think we are but a small insignificant occurrence in space and time would show us to be of no value. To think we are products of an anomaly, mistake, there is much more in my opinion. Though I can attest I hold to the faith of a Christian this notion sparked even when I was an athiest. I’ve always been curious about life and my own being. Looking back I could see the lives I touched and changed. How my story was interwoven in such a way that without me or others, history would change. This in turn shifted my reasoning. Why was I doing things I normally would do? Why do I write these articles, on my blog, and etc? I could so easily do something else yet here I am. In grand part I learned this, to never forget nor be discouraged. We pass through life and experiences change us, we do things yet think of certain things as “boring” but always remember there’s a reason. There’ll be people you meet to help you grow, events to shape you but as well remember why you do qhat you do. There are reasons that shape us and reasons why we continue to be shaped. Life can truly never be fully understood, time is against us but even with that said, learn to find your reason, and then you will see the reason worth living for.

The Reality

You wake up one day and realize your life is not what it seems, you’re 25 , 35, 45, not living the “life” you expected. Even looking back at it all, you also notice, this isn’t the “place” you wanted to be in. Here’s the truth, reality hits you one day or at any moment. There is a “mid-life” crisis but in all retrospect, there’s a time where you notice life is not what was painted to you.

I can repeatedly talk about pursuing your passions, how things go on in life unexpectedly and etc. I can even try to encourage and motivate people to change but let us be honest it is our choice. This is in fact reality. You do only live once. You make a mistake, say something, you can never take it back, life moves on. You can’t change the past so why is it that we are weighed down by it? We like to think of wonderful lives we could of been living instead of being grateful we still have a chance to “make” a wonderful life.

I’ve lived 25 short yet testing years. From a child with parents that provided though they weren’t rich with 2-3 jobs, to losing everything, to being stable, to being homeless and etc. I still can say I’ve been blessed, not only because of God but because all of that has changed my perspective of life and helped me grow. I’ve loved and lost while revealing my value and integrity of any relationship. I’ve been given the ability to speak and search for truth. Even if I may have altered my future, my purpose hasn’t been any clearer if it was not for the realization that this is life. We truly ultimately do not have control. Anything can happen and you are not guaranteed tomorrow.

I’ve grown restless seeing how this world has gradually shifted and is continuing to do so as I’ve matured. You could say I grew up too fast but I despise the world’s state nowadays. Lust, sex, infidelity, adultery, immorality, is a norm now, love is either perverted or turned to a fantasy where people are mere objects and you are the sole reason it should be given to you. Though these are my opinions, a lot can be said, we have turned narcissistic, allowing our egos to dictate us and set ourselves as gods when in reality we are imperfect human beings who don’t want to admit we make mistakes. We easily can’t accept others differences and individuality so we allow divisions, and yet scream unity by saying men were created equal while so easily as well pointing the stereotypes or differences. What’s happened to the world? Honestly? We have created this future and instead of being change we just talk about it with the intention of just speaking instead of being heard, understood, and hopefully being an example to lead others.

I have been having this tug in my heart for the past few weeks, it is not in any way anxiety. Just a sense of wanting people to wake up. We are so keen to think we know how to live our lives and yet when it is falling apart is when we acknowledge we don’t. We can’t do this alone. We need to realize the reality, life is not like the movies. There is no magic genie that will fix it, you can’t go back in time, this isn’t a dream. You will get that career if you work hard, yes, you will love again one day, death is a natural course in life and etc. Not everything you experienced or people you met will be the same. Something I’ve learned as a christian is that no matter how good I want to be or think I am, I just can’t, only because I’m not perfect, I’m human and in being so, I allow God to guide me in love, light, and truth and reflecting the image of Christ. I’m not the old me and though people can view my beliefs or opinions the truth is this, you are alive and something is wrong with the world. We need change, not something promised by a man but a change within us, to not be the same and pursue a new light. I can point to the direction of Christ, but ultimately it is your choice to accept it.

Life is complicating but as well it is easy. We’ve just overcomplicated things to such an extent we have turned to our imperfections our temporary, vain, creations to satisfy a sense of existence but no true living or happiness. Working jobs we spend years in school for to then retire and let the world continue to degrade or even invest so much in schooling only to have the system is corrupt that we work jobs we do not like. Happiness is a choice not a pursuit and life is not a mere word it is simply being. Things may not work out, but when we work through obstacles, come as one, see a new course we will begin to see this isn’t just our story, we all are making history and leaving behind some sort of legacy. Be blessed all.

Ever Abounding Joy

It’s early, let me admit it right now. It’s approximately 9:45 pm and here I am in bed, writing. You would think that at my age I would be out and about, “enjoying” my 20s. Yet, I’m here but for the most part it is not because I am dull or boring, even the fact that I lean morr to my introvert tendencies from from ambiverted being. The truth is, I dont find anything of the lifestyle many follow in this world to be fun. Yes, yes, we can say or see that I’m Christian, that factors in a lot to it all. But as well, I did live the “life” when I was younger, it sinply passed away from me cause I saw the vanity in it as well.

We do things in this world that keeps us “happy” or to better word it, interested. When we get bored of something we move on or we try to turn something so that we don’t let go. It’s sad to say, but relationships seem to be seen in this fashion. Instead of fighting through obstacles or seeing the beauty as coming as one and seeing the nakedness of a person, to love unconditionally. We see the true person and our idea of that perfect person, dissipates and we turn and run or look for excuses to end it. In most cases simply with yhe things of this world we look for what is “new”.

This again has brought me to question life as a whole. Out of everything in life what truly brings us joy, why do we easily get bored or tired. The answer as clear as day appeared to me reading scripture. Most people would be like a kid and say, “oooh, I know the answer too!”, yes, I can say we need God but what I’m trying to explain is the why.

In and through life, we are imperfect creatures. We fight, we get angry, sad, happy, bleed, become traumatized, and ultimately dies. Through it all, we also have the ability to create and destroy. That being said, we create or become ensnared by things that would allow our imperfections to be impaired. We see no pale reflection or skin tones, mocked and judged, bruise and battered. We look to be filled with that which in itself is also imperfect. We turn to music and drown out the noises we hear, dance the dances to have us in motion away from the stand we will face against the walls of emotions. We look to a substance to feel “lifted” or high to escape the gravity that weighs us down. We look to someone else thinking that they will fill the void or are that “missing piece” yet they themselves are imperfect and struggle just the same. The truth is we look to that which is a temporary “fix” only to find ourselves in a worst state than before. Then we continue to complain or move on because it wasn’t “enough” and continue to find “joy”. I remember the drinks to drown my sorrow only to find myself sinking and shipwrecked. I remember the nights, looking for the light or warmth in an embrace only to be cold, ultimately alone after each passing shadow of the people I would know and touch.

The answer is simple for the Christian, joy and sufficiency is found in Christ. The everlasting spring and light that covers any blemish you may have. Revealing all that you are and still dying for you, allowing the Father to see not what you have done but the son and the spirit coming in and filling the temple, covering you with love, truth, light, as he pours from you when you come to him. It is not about just knowing he is enough but why God is enough. In scripture it says we are dead apart from Christ, which how I see it is how we look into things that one tries to find a way to breathe, or come alive. When you come to Christ and the spirit overfills you, life is restored and from it a limitless supply is extended and you feel complete. You always are coming to him because only he can continue to overflow. I hear some “Christians” sometimes speak of how they can’t sit through a service, hear “christian” music, or do “christian” things. That only makes me ask the question, are you really saved? In most part though we are called not to partake in debauchery, for how can light be with darkness, we also see the vanity of such affairs.

Before I was even Christian I grew tired of it, knowing of such affairs was going to reap proper benefits for my future. And this is where I stand or better yet lie here in bed trying to share, where do you find your joy. This question is for all, for though I speak as a Christian I also speak as a friend or someone who is human as well. I cannot say there are days where I don’t fully seek God and turn elsewhere. Or even days where I reminisce about who I will marry or what if I talked to a certain person, maybe even if I tried to reinitiate the flame with an ex. But the question remains, where do I find my joy? The world is passing away and though we may think of it as a long journey of struggle, know their is peace and a sufficiency in Christ. There is true joy and with that being said, we begin to shift and rejoice in Christ, in and through all, even in our works or at work, doing everything as if it was for him. You may spend those nights thinking your alone, with thoughts or emotions from a recent break up or someone passing, struggles in life, addictions but know, God is with you. God is enough and all your joy in this world amounts to nothing apart from Christ, for he is the way, the truth, the life. Be blessed.

Rich Blessings

6 But godliness with contentment is great gain,7 for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. 8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. 9 But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. (1 Timothy 6:6-10)

Oh snap, here we go. I can hear people rustling in their chairs or just sighing. It always is the case when I touch on “hard” topics within the faith. People tend to become uncomfortable, yet I’m always directed to teach and write truth, so hear I am. As some of you can tell, this article leans more to Christians, yet I incite for others to read as well. Now what is this all about? Title states rich blessings but I start off with Paul talking about money is the root of evil? Hold your houses or should I say phones? Cars? I’m getting of topic, hear me out though.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, we are taught since birth that hard work produces good fruits and we can attain “success”. As we grow older we learn that “money” moves the world, it has turned to a “necessity” in most of the world. We need to pay bills, buy our needs (food, water, clothing, etc). Yet for the most part we have begun to twist the value of a dollar. Let’s look at money as a whole, for the most part it has no real “worth, it’s paper yet behind it it is a means of trade to process a transaction to attain or exchange. In today’s age, the media bombards us with the belief if we get the “paper” we will be happy. Yet what did Paul warn us, the love of money is the root of all evil.

Now I’m not saying don’t stop working or rip your wallet apart. It’s a realization to look at the bigger picture. Everything apart from God is vain, everything without truth and love is vain. Solomon spoke of this in the book of ecclesiastes. Yet through it all we are given a purpose and gifts which produces a mean to offer a service which in turn brings about a form of payment, be it time, money, and etc. We are truly blessed, beyond comprehension. Here in the states I can say I have what I need and rejoice in this. There was a time when I was homeless and understood having nothing or wishing at least just for crumbs off a table, warmth of a bed, I’ve never forgotten those days. In so bringing this lesson, I want you to look at what you have, it can be little or even enough, you’re blessed, you’re “rich”.

People think being rich is having a lot of things but on the contrary, being rich is a state in knowing that who you are and what you have can be freely shared with others while being happy. Just as I spoke about in my last article, happiness is a state of being not a pursuit. You can bust your butt and work 9-9 yet what will you gain in the end? You can die and all you wanted to attain will simply stay on this earth and given to someone else. We waste our time doing things which has no value or spending it on desire, greed. Now I’m not saying everything is bad. Trust me, I spent money on this phone, on a computer, i didn’t really need it but I got it, yet I also use it in ways to help improve my life. We can buy stuff and use it and sure it can help us as well but also don’t let consumerism or materialism consume you. This in turn creates idols and we lose focus of what is true value in life, which should always be people, you, and ultimately the first of all, God. God even tells us yo work hard and paul warns us of being idlers, it is good to work and gain what you need. The Lord does not forsake you and provides but be wary in thinking as well we shoukd prosper or be rich because we’re Christians. On the contrary, we are not of the world, we will go through various situations and struggles but let it not keep you from knowing you are rich. Rich in mercy, grace, faith and love.

I’m not trying to keep people from pursuing their dreams or to become doctors and etc. I am trying to show you what God has taught me and shows in scripture. He is enough. We might worry day by day yet like I’ve said multiple times and what it speaks in scripture, if he watches and provides for the birds what more his children? Work hard and give to caeser what is of caesar but give to God all above all else. Do not be discouraged at the latest “things”, brands and etc, be content with what you have and know you are bkessed because others have less. But as well learn to give as well and help in times of need for it is truly better to give than to receive. Be blessed.

Feeling the Gravity

We feel it everyday, the gravity. Now I’m not necessarily talking about the gravity we experience of the world but the gravity or weight of “life”, the world, on our minds and shoulders. We all experience it. Take it from someone who faces it daily with depression and anxiety. It isn’t easy and let’s be honest their isn’t a quick fix to it all. Yet through it all I’ve learned to live on and find the strength, support, to be at ease.

We wake up and dread the next following hours. We long for the weekends or better yet we long for the days that once was. I once read a quote that stated, “Depression is when you constantly look back and may stumble at what is ahead, while anxiety has you miss what is in front of you so in turn you exist but never live because you long for what is still to come.”. The truth of the matter is that these two things affect us, not only pressing down on our thoughts but dramatically shifting everything around us.

I’ll be honest to you all, I do suffer from depression and anxiety. I tend to be alittle too ocd at times in the sense of wanting control. Though I am Christian it does not mean I am perfect nor am I claiming that because I am, that it has disappeared. There have been authors and even pastors I’ve heard about who struggle with it. Because of these, I have become who I am and in turn have shaped my character. People say I’m random (cause of depression when I shift to defensive mode), I can joke or even appear happy yet there is a war in my mind. I can seem “accelerated” (anxiety), I have so many plans and in knowing time is short I tend to rush things and it only backfires on me. But over the years and truly with God, things have been easier.

So here I am, telling you it’ll get better. Though you may feel the gravity, keep in mind the present. To be at peace is to be present in the now. Things happen in life, I’ve spoken about this before, there are things we truly will never have control over, nor can you change the past. The true eye opener you could say is this, happiness is not something you pursue but is a state of being. A state of being. Sounds philosophical but repeat it, a state of being. Meaning in this case, to just be, be present, be in the now. It isn’t bad to prepare for the future nor reminisce about the past but don’t stay there. Keep moving forward, truly living by experiencing every second as if it was your last. You aren’t guaranteed the future.

Now I can also speak about through christian teachings and scripture itself. God has been the reason I no longer have attacks or get into my moods for the most part. That for the most part is in the recognition that God is enough. I don’t need to be famous, be smart, handsome, or truly find the “one”, God is enough. My sufficiency is found in Christ. I’m not saying either that I can drop out of my job or stop eating, no no, I’m saying that he is truly what I need and my focus to truly live this life. In knowing this, just like the psalms or paul mentions, he is our shelter and to not be anxious of anything. When you trust and give it all to God he takes all your weight and puts it to death. Did he not die for our sins and if he cares for the birds and provides for them their needs what more shall he provide for you, a child of the most high? But as well he provides counsel through people, teachers, pastors, counselors, even parents/friends. You are not alone, never alone. Though you may think the weight is too heavy, there are those to help carry the load or even God. Jesus faced every feeling and temptation, he was human, he understands what you are going through.

Take a moment and breathe, feel the air, ignore the phone, hear the sound of your heart beating, you’re alive. All of this and even what you went through or are going through is a blessing. “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” (Romans 5:3-4). With this hope we work on being better or as. Christians, hope in Christ and reflecting his image.

The truth is evident, we will all go through hardships but let that not bring you down. If it does, get up and push on. Life is meant to be lived, though we all experience things differently, see that you are one of many. The gravity is here to help keep us firm on the ground til we ascend to the heavens, in our dreams, pursuits, love and even to God. I speak to all not just Christians though I hope that my words would incite a revelation of who God is. Keep getting up. Be happy, just be, be present, see now, and live. Regret nothing but in turn learn from mistakes and repent of your old ways. Be blessed.

Who Am I?

Who am I?

The very question we ask ourselves when we look at the reflection on the mirror. Follow up questions can arise and again we are bombarded with more questions. Life constantly molding us by experiences and situations. But the question touches me to the depth of the soul as I write now. A reflection to help clarify who exactly is this guy, this guy who is writing this.

I’ve talked about myself throughout my articles, a glimpse of who I am as an individual but I believe I never really properly introduced myself. *clears throat* well let’s rephrase that *cracks fingers to type*. The name is Geovanni, call me Geo, but more or less I prefer Gee. Some people call me differently but I prefer the name which my close friends or family call me, Gee. Now, I am 25 years and as some of you know I went to school for graphic design but in turn life threw a curve ball and my passion for writing flourished. Now I am a writer, I would say aspiring writer but I write so it would just imply that I don’t or wish to attain something that isn’t within me. Though I’ve said it before, I may not have gone to some school for it but nonetheless, I am a writer. I am currently in the process of writing a book, I post short stories on Tumblr a lot, as well as poetry and quotes.

You could say I am a rare breed of sorts. Some people consider me an old soul. Not just for the taste of music, which entails the classics, like classic rock, jazz, mostly conscious rap and hip hop with a strong feel of Christian music. I am a Christian, but I am one that doesn’t consider it a religion but more so a relationship. I also am a free spirit in the sense that I enjoy doing things that I enjoy. I am an ambivert but with more introvert qualities than anything. It’s actually like a paradox meeting me, I can seem quiet and in seconds I would be hollering or making sounds. Now to be honest, there are times when depression or anxiety may strike but God’s been helping me cope.

In my writing, you will see a lot of my beliefs become incorporated but as well take note that my writing, apart from my stories, has to do with helping people. I tend to differentiate or clarify to who I am writing to. If I am writing to encourage or teach my fellow brothers ad sisters in the faith I will do so, if it is for everyone I will merely write to that appeal and direction. Now in no way, am I here to seek fame, on the contrary, I’ve found that through writing I can help bring the message of truth and love to people and share it. I’m in no way rich nor do I intend to be so cause I already feel rich, blessed with a loving family and the few friends I have. Though in short this is who I am, some can read and wonder why should I listen to this guy, you don’t have to, but with what I’ve experienced though I’m young, I’ve experienced a lot and hope to bring encouragement and guide people to the truth, with love. I also intend to share who I am, things I go through so that through my example I can reveal the light foubd in the darkness which in turn I see as God. Be blessed and truly I hope you guys and girls enjoy what I have to write. 🙂

Voicing A Brand

​Just do it. The first thing that comes to mind is Nike, ok, some can say no, maybe. How about, I’m loving it, anything? Ah, the fascination or the implications of setting up a slogan, catchphrase, or even a logo. Now I was going to have two different articles but then, wham, inspiration struck and here I am. By the title of this article some might think I’m going to start talking about marketing. Now some of you might be slightly true, if you know how I write, then no as well. More so, it is about truly marketing yourself. Woah, am I not the guy who wrote before not to be narcissistic. Yes, yes, calm down and understand.

From the beginning of what I can remember I was surrounded by propaganda. I guess it was one of the reasons why I took digital design classes and graphics at a technical college. I found a sense of manipulation, control, that I could enforce while people had no idea to a certain extent. The colors used, the design in general, to even the words. This is where everything became interesting, from that I saw something shift in my generation I didn’t see before. Change. Growing up we are shown the fashion trends, the culture as a whole. From it people wear the brands, become part of the brand and on my opinion, become branded. Like a horse? You can say that in a way. I saw people become “slaves” to what they invested their time and money. With that being said I also saw the rise of what I’m slowly seeing today, a revolution of people finding themselves. 

Look at the latest trend, you have people buying or investing in certain things, sure. Then you shift over to the out of norm people, those who don’t cling to social media(me being one of them), invested on their phones 24/7, unbranded as to the point that they will buy something cause it looks good not just cause it has a specific logo or is from a certain place. This is what I’m writing about now, branding yourself, being yourself, having a voice.

As a writer I always read that you had to have your own voice, heck, even in school or art class you learn to develop your own style. That’s honestly something I fear losing if I was to actually go to school for creative writing or majoring in english, you get taught all these techniques, “ways” to do things, I feel you might lose your originality. But as well that’s what I’ve learned about life as well. We are so caught up at times about what is new and follow the trend we forget and slowly lose ourselves. Trust me I worked in a retail store(clothing) for 6 years as a manager and I’ve seen how kids, teens, even adults get. We look at how the items were made and honestly we see people making our items, working through horrible conditions or getting payed close to nothing. Yet here we are, allowing ours elves to be branded, investing our money because something might have a specific little design by some goliath of a company. Don’t get me wrong, I admire some of the things people do, like I’ve written before I understand the struggle to become a designer, I still have pages of my designs for clothes I made. 

What I’m conveying is to truly look at what you are branding? Are you wearing something because you honestly think it’s cool or is it because everyone else is wearing it? Are you listening or liking the things you do because of you? I feel like we should relook at it all. Sure we will never truly be unique, let’s be honest. We either adapt what we learn or turn something into our own style once we understand something, we make it ours and our lives truly become our brand. It’s funny, most people when they first see me say I look mean or scary, a week later, they can repeat my puns, jokes, or even somethings I usually say or might know what I’ll do, in itself I began to be a “brand”. In my writing, though I may not be on par with the greatestof writers, I still cling to being “different” having a voice. With the title of this article, I wanted not only to grab attention but also incite something in us all. We are used to buying brands but why not live it, live your life, change up your style, find the things YOU like and be somebody not just an everybody. In no way shape or form am I saying to ignore the work others may do, there are designs and etc which should be appreciated and I back them up, support them when I could so they could continue. It is more so to give a sense of who we are individually and what we can contribute so that people can say we are each part of a unified body, humanity, changing the world. Each of us has different dreams so why not wake up and realize that only you can accomplish it. Voice your brand, don’t just think about it or write it, become it, be you.

Writing Your Story

The light from the screen reflects upon my eyes. It’s a good solid 5 minutes before I notice I’m just staring at the screen. I even begin to realize that I no longer spend countless hours playing a game or browsing through social media. I notice that it’s really not even in front of my computer screen, it’s my phone or tablet-okay, we can all agree they are mini computers. Here I am, now finally typing words or should I better state it as tapping words? I’ve noticed as of late everything has changed in my life, some can see it in my writing but better yet, they see it in my life. It wasn’t til recently that I saw this, like I said before, but it has sparked something inside of me.

Now I’ve said it many times, who am I for someone to read my work? I’m 25, haven’t fully attended college, have never taken classes in writing, was never in the school paper, haven’t published a book, and no, none of my family members are writers. I’m just a normal guy, scratch that, I’m completely random but also dedicated, when I set my mind on something it becomes my drive. All of this being the case, I’m now seeing who I truly am, a writer. I’ve written before how we should just write or even how everything I thought I would be doing I never did. Let’s be honest, nothing we plan ever goes the way we want. Things happen in life and everything shifts drastically, while it is true some people still accomplish their “dreams”. It’s all good said and done, but something I’ve questioned is what does one gain through all the sacrifice? We typically lose ourselves in that pursuit. Now don’t get me wrong, some people could start to get ready to throw their shoes but bare with me. What I’m trying to convey is this, we push everything and reach that “top” peak, that the sky isn’t the limit, then we begin to see gravity weigh us down.

I’ve lived my early childhood wishing to be something I am not today. Life hit me very young and though I am goofy, random, and awkward today, I also had to grow up. I was homeless at a time, I managed to finish high school, while my family members didn’t, I was fortunate. Though I didn’t go to some fancy college, I helped my family get their careers, finish school, they became chefs, and even then only my sister continues in that pursuit. Nothing truly works out in our favor it would seem. Life likes throwing curve balls, for example, a track star could one day get into an accident and lose his legs, a painter could become blind, and etc. So then I awoke to a new notion, what is life to chase after such pursuits and for us to forget to live?

All right I’ll ready the target sign so you could throw whatever you want. But read carefully and understand what I’m saying. Life is short, I’m not telling anyone to stop chasing their dreams, nor am I saying it is all meaningless, what I’m saying is don’t just do something or be something simply for you. In the end sure some can say you only have yourself but then with who are you going to share your victories?

I’m very prideful, let me toss that on the table, it can seem I’m humble at times but seriously, it takes a lot for me to be humble, nice or even considerate, though I may have a huge heart. The world made me cold you could say, I didn’t necessarily choose my life and yet I am choosing what I do now with it. For me, I see what I’m capable of, before I wanted to build an empire and yet for what? To gain money, be rich, and never truly want? Then what? There is more to life than that, everyone who has made it can tell you the same thing, a rich man is not one who has everything but has little and can share it with those who are around and in that he is rich.

I’m trying to say this, I know who I am now, I see I’ve been given the curiousity, the ability to convey words to reach people, the imagination to create words and allow my experiences or creativity to manifest through words. Sure, I could draw as well but I’ve found that I am truly me when I write, and in being so, it is to reach people. Books were always my escape or a way to understand the world and I want to do the same to someone else. In so being this reason, this is more so written to try to get one to think of the choices or your pursuits. Is it really just for you or to help others, share your gifts, in love and not just a vain pursuit? Remember you only live once so will you live to exist or begin to live to truly have a life? But also don’t be upset if you don’t “make it”, life is meant to be lived and your greatest blessing might not be your career or even materialistic gain, but family and friends. Take it from someone who loves to write and doesn’t mind if he isn’t getting paid at the moment for it. As long as I can share what I learn and help others grow, that’s the biggest reward, to know my words aren’t just being ignored and may hopefully touch one’s soul.

Eternal Addiction

I was tired of trying to escape reality. I look back at my life now and it seems like a blur at times. How many days did I try to erase with the help of a substance? A person? From the days I was in middle school to the realization of what I understood in life. To be able to experience life to the fullest without diminishing who I am as a person.

It is true to some extent, many of the classics, hits, and etc were created under an influence. They say true art is born through the blood, sweat, and tears that exert our raw nature. Yet as well, I’ve found it all to be a simple band aid. Growing up when I was first introduced to drugs, I thought it was foolish. But as I felt the gravity push me down, I felt the need to be lifted up. In turn I allowed myself to be taken by a substance. Reaching the point where I needed to feel nothing to feel everything. From bottles in hand, bottling my emotions to trees allowing me leave and fall through the skies by the breeze exhaled. I became consumed.

Time would shift. I as well saw in myself the beauty in life. One would think that being changed by events would thwart any sense of ego yet it remained. Ithought of myself “in control”, though it was obvious I was not. One addiction switched to another and I thought freedom was found in blissful ecstasy when one was beside someone else. It became a game and sex was the drive instilled to keep me alive, or so I thought. And then it occured, love in its purest form. Within such notions or my knowledge, all said was true and lost within this person I was not. But then again, the broken pieces of who I am could not hold the substance and the beautiful mess I was seemed to cut the other til the string was cut. All was lost or so I thought. Looking at the clouds before I took on my usual self. Allowing my mind to be silent, my emotions as cold as winter and the storm drowning me in the seas of guilt and imperfections. Yet there he was, drenched in blood, a symbol of his death on the cross. But this was a dream, so I thought, for who should love me enough to die for my faults. Chains breaking and my hands feeling no constraints. My mind finding a peace I longed for. A feeling to feel whole abounding my the springs running through me, overflowing and making me be complete. This is love. He is enough.

A sense to no longer “escape”, hinder or hide who I am in any way shape or form. But to grow, learn and experience reality in its entirety. To feel with a passion that comes from his own. God. Love. Truth. My eternal addiction.