I am a very strong believer in being present, now. It took me a while to figure out why it was so important to be…present. I always wanted to be in control. You may hear me constantly speaking about how narcissistic I was, like a broken record. But I like taking days to pound these lessons onto myself. Looking back, I now understand why many things failed or I developed such anxieties and depression.
I wanted to control everything, setting rules to help make my life manageable. Not only my life, but anyone who got close. This was the greatest of errors in my part. Life is not meant to be controlled; Nor are people. I would venture into a relationship thinking the storms will be of no concern, because I steered the ship. Til, of course, I was faced with abandoning the ship as the other was forced to escape my direction before they were led astray.
What can be truly said? To explain to some people that you see yourself with such disgust as a manipulative, inhuman man. Even now, things have changed. How I would occasionally lose myself in timelines or feeds but still hunger for moments, to take back seconds that I let loose. How I wish I could properly state that I made mistakes, yet my own rage faced with the reflection that looked upon me, every day. Time is a constant river of uncertainty. I do not know what tomorrow may hold. Nor do I know or dream of finding “the one”.
I don’t want to be caught in imaginary scenes or thoughts. I remember what Forest Gump would say, “Life is like a box of chocolates…”. Time is truly precious, dont lose sight of it. Caught in the past or even the wondering about the future.
I have enjoyed the challenges and voyage and I know tomorrow will bring more. The people I will meet, see, or encounter, I will embrace that moment…today…now…forever… Knowing now, that life is a blessing and I will not waste it. I need to live, instead of wanting a fantasy.
Love will grow over time from a friendship. One day, I will look back and know it to be worth it.
Such is the marvel bestowed, time, we feel it is like a prison, only because we surround ourselves with schedules. But it isn’t about losing yourself if you don’t abide to it, it is in making sure that in this moment, this very one, you are in fact making history. You matter, even now, and that is a beautiful thing. Be present my friends, for it is truly a gift.