Tag Archives: time

Open Heart

​To love and be loved is truly the greatest reward.

I remember these words I write years ago. They now resonate within me and help me with my current transformation. I could feel it, another shift in my mental as I draw closer to God. 

My honesty and humbleness has now manifested beyond comprehension. I could feel the sense of truly wishing to help people but not just wishing but actually doing. I’ve also come to the realization of who I was. Before I knew who I was I would ignore the fact of the damage I had done. I would self loathe only to fall into depression. Yet, now, I wish to reveal who I truly am to others and noticing a vital problem. No one really knows me as I am now. 

I’ve hurt so many people in the past or had self interest that trust was lost. Even with this being said I also noticed how much time, distance truly separates people. I’ve been trying to connect with those I cared about and yet it seems to be difficult. It’s weird but I truly feel alone, though I have my family and few close friends. It’s like I’m reintroducing myself to most people. 

Remember the stories or the reputation I held? That was just a facade. It’s something I was told to do, create an identity to never truly be known. So you heard about the guy who was so quick to sleep around or out partying. Yet because of my past I learned to never embody myself to that which would distract my studies. Though I occasionally found myself under bottles or smoking to escape reality. Til I found that self control and being sober, facing my problems, brought me better benefits. 

I was a kid for the most part, thinking as a child and never understanding the world and how to embrace people. It was all about me. Yet God has been speaking to me. To follow him I must die daily. To love in such a way that nothing else will pour out from my heart. To be filled with his love that I seek no validation or pleasure from something else because he is enough. 

I can’t take back the words spoken or the actions but I can only be who he is making me to be. I don’t have to prove I’m changed. He tells me, Just love and be a light, an example. I will not be the same as before and to understand I am not of this world. Many who walk that path now that I used to be with can say I’ve grown “soft” but in reality I’ve grown strong. I invested too much on vain pursuits. 

I remember the nights wondering what was wrong with the world. We’ve become so cold as people. I would shut myself off and ignore everyone. Yet God stepped in. It was always my Father, showering me in his grace, always. For that I am beyond grateful. He continues to lead me away from that which is damaging to my being. Rest in me are the words written, cast all your anxieties on me… My identity is not found by what others say but in who I am in Christ. 

I’ve grown tired of these games I play with myself. One moment I’m happy and then I get triggered and fall to my own mental prison. I’m exhausted actually. Falling into the affairs of love in what the world declares it to be only to get hurt or hurt others. I’m more than that, I don’t believe in soulmates just in two people truly coming together and working through all odds, not in perfection but towards unity as a family and couple, loving beyond conditions, as intended. So I appear now as an old soul and I am not in a rush towards marriage as before. 

In essence, my heart is now open. Like if God was here with me performing open heart surgery and others can see my what lies in my heart. From the darkness of my past to who I am now. I am not my past. 

It’s funny actually, how I can discuss these things so openly now while years ago I would build walls and only those I let in would see beyond them. Or truly how a shift commenced by one person breaking through. 

My life is not my own. It is God’s, for him I live and breathe. I wish to share this love with others and the truth of who He is. I can’t explain it, I try to and yet it is beyond words. I know people will think it odd of me or even wonder what happened to Gee? I won’t keep explaining it, just grow with me. I’m sorry to all I’ve hurt and those who may not trust me now because of who I was, see me for who I am, now. 

I love you all, those that read my work, those that have seen my journey and walk with me. Life is truly amazing. And what I am trying to convey to all is that love truly is what life is about. Love with your all. Love at all times. Love and never give up on love, ever. Don’t be afraid to love and show your real emotions. Be blessed. This is Gee_ology aka Lucius, signing out.

Dawn of Ages

“Just act or be your age”. Wait, so you’re telling me I have to restrict myself or be at a certain standard because of a number? Maturity is not based on age. I know young kids who are mere teens pulling in weight to help their parents. I’ve seen grown adults acting like fools with not even an ounce of wisdom. You forget that there are grown adults producing the shows our kids watch, movies we become fascinated with. You thought it came from fairy godparents and that when you turn a certain number you’re “grown”. That I have to have 2 kids, own a house, and car while wasting my life in a 9 to 5, because I’m 26?

Times have changed, economy is a joke and what we considered tough times is now worse than before. You want to know what my age looks like? Working 8-20 hour shifts, taking school online, writing or finding means to improve so that I may become a well published author, balancing my time, and still having to survive in this world. You think we may have things easier or don’t know the stress we are in. You don’t know my age, nor my maturity, you want to measure it? Than know it is a different time. Yes I’ve been doing good for myself, but that is because I push on, I’ve been there, when you have nothing. I will not excuse my sarcastic self or my character. I am a nerd as well. You’ll catch me playing nerf at the park when I’m 80. Going to star wars movies at 50.

Maybe you need to help change or offer solid advice instead of stating something that you may not know about. We don’t have it easy and never confuse age with maturity. Maturity is how you properly can handle things in a well balanced way and yet none of us are perfect. There is a time and place for everything. It is true I needed to grow before but now knowing who I am, what I want, I am not defined by a number. Forever young in such a short existence, I live for eternity. Real talk.

No Excuses

Busy, always busy. The excuses pile up, creating a wall that I learn to lean on whenever someone is trying to gain entrance. I remember I would repeatedly hate the idea of being “busy”. The reality is I’ve adjusted to such a notion with no real basis or reliable schedule.

I’m one to say I like having control, believe me, I do. Even with my OCD and with the amount of things I have “piled” up, I could hear the quote spoken to me once again that I read on Tumblr: “No one is truly busy, we make time for what we truly prioritize or love.”. We make time, I look strictly at my supposed schedule with new eyes. 8 a.m. get up and get ready for work. From then on I work til 5:30 p.m. Drive is typically an hour to and back. I get home and literally just write, though as of late it is more so poems or encouraging words on social media. I’ve taken a break again from schoolwork to find myself. Then I sleep at 2-3 a.m. and repeat with schedules shifting depending if I close. Podcast, school, writing and work.

I used to create series of articles in my head but more so, as of late, I just write whatever comes to mind. I will admit I feel “off” as of late. I’ve noticed that I’ve been making up too many excuses yet expect different results and that’s not good. I remember writing about how tired I felt, it seems to continue to the state I am now. That man who spoke with such a drive, now look at him.

Yet, it is in knowing something is wrong now that I know I need to change. It is just like those moments I speak about constantly. One day you notice something is wrong and you change. The reality or lesson I’m learning now is that life wasn’t truly meant to be routine. We live our lives now based on schedules instead of what allows us to truly live. I love to write and really would love for others to read the books I’m working on, finally complete them and get them read. I would love to finish school to finally say, Father, thank you for allowing me to finish.

God has been opening a lot of doors and guiding me to do his will, now I need to stop giving excuses and do it. Everything comes at its own time, this is true, but the thing is, you will never truly be ready. The moment you are waiting for will always be now. With a discerning heart and a wise mind, you could step into life and in turn run the race. Progress comes from hard work and application. Such it is that I will throw away my own notions of time in the sense that I believe I have any sort of control. Instead I will use my time wisely and ensure I use it for the things that our beneficial for me, do the will of my Father, and be around those I love. It is okay to take breaks at times but also don’t let it consume or distract you.

There are no more excuses. I shall live and love, letting who my Father is shaping me, to shine in this world. For as there’s time for everything so there is as well motivation to let time itself not master you, all shall fade in the end. My reach shall not be in what is temporary but to what is eternal and in this venture I know that God is allowing me to be present and truly cherish each moment.

Gift of Time

I am a very strong believer in being present, now. It took me a while to figure out why it was so important to be…present. I always wanted to be in control. You may hear me constantly speaking about how narcissistic I was, like a broken record. But I like taking days to pound these lessons onto myself. Looking back, I now understand why many things failed or I developed such anxieties and depression.

I wanted to control everything, setting rules to help make my life manageable. Not only my life, but anyone who got close. This was the greatest of errors in my part. Life is not meant to be controlled; Nor are people. I would venture into a relationship thinking the storms will be of no concern, because I steered the ship. Til, of course, I was faced with abandoning the ship as the other was forced to escape my direction before they were led astray.

What can be truly said? To explain to some people that you see yourself with such disgust as a manipulative, inhuman man. Even now, things have changed. How I would occasionally lose myself in timelines or feeds but still hunger for moments, to take back seconds that I let loose. How I wish I could properly state that I made mistakes, yet my own rage faced with the reflection that looked upon me, every day. Time is a constant river of uncertainty. I do not know what tomorrow may hold. Nor do I know or dream of finding “the one”.

I don’t want to be caught in imaginary scenes or thoughts. I remember what Forest Gump would say, “Life is like a box of chocolates…”. Time is truly precious, dont lose sight of it. Caught in the past or even the wondering about the future.

I have enjoyed the challenges and voyage and I know tomorrow will bring more. The people I will meet, see, or encounter, I will embrace that moment…today…now…forever… Knowing now, that life is a blessing and I will not waste it. I need to live, instead of wanting a fantasy.

Love will grow over time from a friendship. One day, I will look back and know it to be worth it.

Such is the marvel bestowed, time, we feel it is like a prison, only because we surround ourselves with schedules. But it isn’t about losing yourself if you don’t abide to it, it is in making sure that in this moment, this very one, you are in fact making history. You matter, even now, and that is a beautiful thing. Be present my friends, for it is truly a gift.

Revealing Yourself Through Love

We long to be understood or interpreted the right way. Most of the time it is hard. We are stereotyped and categorized by experiences or even the culture. Take me for example, because of my past, people would assume I am the same, yet I’ve grown since those days. They assume they know me, based on what they hear, yet my life is a complex array of masks worn or tales told to keep people distant. Yet what I can honestly state now is if you would like to know me for who I truly am, ask now. There is a lot I kept hidden but I humbly ask for forgiveness to all my friends and family.

We hear about people being a type of way, a race being a type of way, and that keeps us from revealing who we are. So we look for memes, status’s, quotes, or anything that will allow us to share what is on our mind, in our hearts. My advice? Let it out, no matter what you think others will say about it, about you, let it out. I’m not saying let it go. We think we can just replace feelings or thoughts with nothingness, as if it never was. I keep saying it, it is okay to feel, it is okay to express yourself.

You are not what most people see you as. I’ve longed to understand this, to know myself and it took having everything I thought I knew, come crashing down. From believing I thought I knew love, to find true love. From seeing myself in my darkest of hours to see that there is truly light. And now, I try to share this with others, every chance I get. Please, understand this. Give people chances, not everyone is like your ex, that pervy person, the “lunatic”, the abusive parents, and believe it or not, people can change. But also be aware not to be taken for granted. You can change as well but so learn that you have value and a purpose as well.

We long to be understood, yet have grown so cold trying to understand others and instead we label them. Yes, I’m Christian, I know myself not to be perfect, my life is centered in and with God, but as well, I know myself to be a wretched mess born again by the grace of God.

Listen carefully, you are beautiful in your own way, you were made to shine. What you surround yourself with, ultimately shapes you. What you reveal in your actions, determines your heart choices. Words are wonderful and when given true meaning, can mark and imprint themselves in one’s soul. I generally speak or write in such a way to grab an audience, but listen, I’m speaking to you. Yes, you reading this now, you are loved, in knowing this, be filled with love and in turn, let it overflow. Let not this culture shape you into someone who loses their humanity. Be a light, reflect who you are and be understood. You can say you feel alone or you are better off alone, but trust me, it isn’t worth it. I’ve experienced a life where I was, or I should say, felt alone. I always considered myself the villian, only because everyone would eventually leave. But that was my narcissistic affect. I wanted the world to be centered around me, my ego, but that is not love, life.

To be understood is to be naked, to find those you can trust, share your gifts, talents, love without condition or selfish intentions. To be understood is to learn to be who you are and first come to understand who you are, through the darkness you have faced and the blessings you consider the “good”. You do not find happiness nor love, it is a choice, it requires action, sacrifice, and it is something you do everyday. I’m writing this now, in the early mornings because it is something I strongly feel the world needs to take in and learn. You are not alone, I am here, the voice to the voiceless. Observing the world around me and studying it but also helping others see what I’ve come to interpret as truth, I’m Gee_ology but also, I am Lucius, just a man, human, just like you. Be blessed.

Love Beyond Time and Space

He looked at her. He could see the glimmer of hope in her eyes. Her eyes piercing through his gaze into his soul. The curls in her hair and skin as reflected like the golden sands.
He was the never ending rain in the night. While she was the howling wind that drifted the clouds in the day. Never truly noticing one another til the Heaven’s drew to a close switching sides and caught breath in time.
The light reflecting its rays on her lips, shimmering upon the gloss.
“You noticed me . . . “, She was about to continue until he looked on as distance drew them apart. “as I’ve noticed you.” Her voice trembled and it was if an eruption was eminent from her chest.
“Without hesitation, without regret. For as time and distance may keep us at bay, love is a choice and eternity my embrace.” Their fingers briefly touching the other as his departing words returned them to their state. “I await for you in the Heaven’s my dear, til the wavering stars bring us to orbit and join us as one in the eclipse of our hearts. So when others may ask who has my heart I shall speak your name, but they shall know you as….my sun.”

Take Time

What if you could hold time in its place and just simply look bewildered at everything around? If you could just take in the moment, all the little details we miss, maybe a smile, a scenery we don’t capture. Such it is in life. A life where we are always in the constant move. We forget that we only have this one life and in turn sometimes we keep thinking of the past, the future and forget the present.

I’ve written before about being present but in most cases I also have learned that what I write is a reflection if what is happening in my life or what I’ve learned/what I’m learning. To say we have control in time seems to be controversial yet it is possible to some extent. The truth is we do have control of our lives. We make choices that decide what out future will look like. We can invest out hours to a career we have pursued or are pursuing. We can spend a couple of hours with friends, family, or even our pets. Yet we sometimes one key thing, taking time for ourselves.

We live in a world that has now established the “self” and in turn it has made us selfish or narcissistic to an extent. But as well when we take time and reflect on what is around us we can find a balance we can never find by any rules we might apply by a self help book. When we take time to explore who we are as a person we begin to be present to who we can be. We begin to see our likes and not what the culture or media tries to push on us.

We’ve all heard the saying, our time is now, but before we take those steps, let us first say, let me take the time to see what I need, truly need before I chase after dreams. We can say we don’t want to be single but also we must consider we need time to hrow as an individual and love ourselves and know what is love to properly love. All I can say is take time now, not merely in the sense of being present but learn to truly observe, feel, as if time was still. We do only live once and would you rather just feel like you existed instead of reaching the end and saying you truly lived?